AIBU to ask MIL to have a word with her son?

[brapbrapbrap]

I've got to the end of my tether. For months I've been having polite discussions, I've begged, I've shouted, I've cried, I've explained calmly, but nothing I say will stop my husband from playing on his phone constantly. He seems to be incapable of putting it down. He works hard for a living, always working later than his finish time to help out colleagues and often working on his days off (this is another separate issue). From the moment he gets in, he is lost in 'phone world'. He ignores our son, who has also got to the point that he no longer has any interest in his father. I've tried setting boundaries e.g. Phone goes off when he gets in and can be switched back on once LO is in bed. I've tried physically taking it away from him and putting it on a shelf, but as soon as my back is turned, it's in his hand again. I've hidden it a couple of times, but he's sulked and then got lost in 'TV world'. But honestly, I shouldn't have to take his phone away from him to force him to spend some time with his child either playing or helping me out by feeding him whilst I'm rushing around trying to cook dinner and clean!

He's physically there, but he's just not present. I've told him it's making me depressed because I'm not getting any help from him, I've told him it's destroyed his relationship with our son, I've told him it's destroying our marriage. I don't mind him spending the entire rest of the evening on his phone once our LO is in bed, but I cannot put up with him being glued to his phone when his family needs him.

Would I be unreasonable to ask his mum to talk to him??

(Just to pre-empt any suspicions- no he's not having an affair. His phone is linked to mine. I can see where he is, who he's messaging etc. He spends his time watching YouTube videos about bike maintenance and car detailing).

[fabulous01]

Leave him to it
Mine is same. I have spoke to being a dull record. I don’t bother anymore. His choice, his relationships to sort in future

[WineAndTiramisu]

I'd be telling him that the relationship was over unless he stopped playing with his bloody phone! He's checking out of family life and even your son has realised he's less important to dad than the phone.

[Starlight2345]

Well the simple answer is you can't change anybody you can only change how you respond to somones behaviour.

Go out when he comes home, refuse to cook his meals wash his clothes ( I am guessing you are a SAHM )

You know the bottom line is it sounds like the two of you aren't in a relationship right now.

[WineAndTiramisu]

Also stop doing stuff for him, cooking etc.

Or try this

Or suggest this...

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.co.uk%2FKitchen-Safe-Locking-Container-Height%2Fdp%2FB00JGFQTD2&ved=0ahUKEwjBgOHfvrzXAhVR2qQKHd5ZBYsQFggyMAE&usg=AOvVaw0eoS4htP4q45bKQZETAhZU&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[WineGummyBear]

He's there in body, but he's not really there at all. So what's the point? He's just taking up space and annoying everybody.

[hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea]

How is his mother going to help any?

[kaytee87]

I’d be tempted to try an ultimatum and ask him to limit it to 1/2 hours once ds is in bed or you’ll leave him.

I assume he doesn’t do this at work (or he’d be sacked) so it’s just his wife and child that don’t deserve any effort or attention

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

I can’t see how asking his mum to have a word is going to make the slightest bit of difference!

Sounds awful OP, give him an ultimatum! It’s how I imagine my DCs might be for a while when they are teenagers! Timer on the WiFi? What is he actually doing on it??

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

Is he depressed??

[WhoWants2Know]

It’s a tough one. Some people really do seem to be addicted to their phones. I will put my hand up and say that if I have a spare minute to sit down, then mine is in my hand. But I’ve always been like it. Before phones, it was books, usually with a TV on as well.

For me, if I spend most of the day interacting with people, I just get to a point where I can’t deal with any more stimulus, and have to block everything out.

It’s not much help for you if you’re dying for human contact after a long day with kids.

[MsVestibule]

I have to admit, I use my phone far more often than I should, but even I would rein it in if it was upsetting my family this much. Sadly, kaytee has its in a nutshell 😕. I couldn't live with someone who behaved with so little respect.

I am wondering why you think his mother would have more influence over him than you, though?

[Hohomcfo]

Well. I wouldn't want to wait till dc are in bed as I need some "downtime" when I get in from work. But I would be willing to have it for half an hour and then put away after that. I would be very sad to think my dcs had given up on me though it's more they want to steal the phone for themselves

[Theresamayscough]

If you were my dil and I have 2 I would kick his arse but then my sons arnt like this so I struggle to see how his mum could help.

Get the phone off him and shove it in the bath.

Tell him now you have his attention it’s you and your dh first or he fucks off. You have to make sure he knows you mean it.

[BluePheasant]

If he can’t do it for his own son then I can’t see him changing for anyone else tbh.

[kaytee87]

@Hohomcfo but why does his need for downtime Trump ops needs or indeed his ds needs?

[Butterymuffin]

Drop it in the toilet.

[Hohomcfo]

Because I'm a nicer mum when I can decompress after my work! I'm not talking about ignoring everyone, I can be using it while making dinner or putting a wash on, but a cup of tea and a mn session after a loud day at work really helps. They're not babies though and dh and I both work so have similar needs.

[RagingFemininist]

Hoho what about the OP downtime?
What about sharing the parenting and the HW?
What about actually giving any attention at all to his own ds and his wife?

It’s all well and good saying that you need downtime when you get back home. But you know what, if you have young child at home (which I guess is the case if the OP) downtime doesn’t happen when you want it to happen, it happens when it can (so when child is in bed, you have finished the hw etc...)
Otherwise you are basically say8ng that only your needs are important and everyone else can f** off.

OP rathervthan the phone, I wouod have a chat with him about parenting and hw. About the shar8ng aspect of it.
I wouod hope that accepting that responsibility would allow him to finally outbthe phone down and start interacting.
Unless he is us8ngnthat phone to avoid all that of course....

[Mumof56]

begging, shouting, crying, putting the phone on a high shelf, giving a curfew of phone, physically removing it, linked to yours so you can check


Now going to tell his mammy

That's a pretty bizarre relationship

[BackInTheRoom]

It's an actual addiction. HE needs to break the addiction, no one else. As soon as he's had say half an hour on it, tell him you're going upstairs and can he look after DC. Do this EVERY time he picks that damn phone up! He'll soon bloody learn!

[Justbookedasummmerholiday]

Do you want his dm to ground him?

[Hohomcfo]

Well no I'm not, because the hw doesn't have to be done the second I walk in the door and the kids appreciate a bit of downtime too! So I don't see a problem with them watching Ben 10 for 20 mins while dinner cooks and I have a tea and a surf. I do the lions share anyway so I've no worries about my dh's relaxation needs. I'm guessing this wouldn't apply to the OP's dh! But I think a "no phone till dcs are in bed"rule is not the only way this could be improved.

[SpottedGingham]

My ex played online games all the time. Even during “date nights” he would be darting to the pc to see someone’s manoeuvre.

He is ex.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

No I would not ask my MIL to talk to him. I would ask her to get her spare room ready, because he's going to need somewhere else to sleep once I threw him out.

Seriously, it sounds like you've tried everything else. I'm so sorry.