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AIBU to be slightly upset that I am not a bridesmaid?

(108 Posts)
Marissa2727 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:14:57


Am I being unreasonable to be slightly upset about not being asked to be a bridesmaid at my close friends wedding next summer? We have been close friends since school, our partners are friends and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding this year.

I haven’t said anything to her about this. She talks about her wedding a lot and I feel a bit awkward, especially when she refers to her bridesmaids. I would understand it more if she was only having a couple of bridesmaids but from what I understand she is having at least 5 or 6. She is very wealthy so it is definitely not a cost issue.

I haven’t spoken to her about this because I don’t want to look petty or cause any tension between us, I really value her friendship. I’m thinking that she should have brought it up with me really...

A separate issue is that she has planned a week long hen do abroad in a very expensive place. I can’t really afford to go anyway but probably would have stretched myself in order to go if I was a bridesmaid. Do you think it would be unreasonable of me to not go on this?

Thank you in advance! Xx

Vashna Mon 13-Nov-17 19:20:09

No you are not being U - especially if she was one of your bridesmaids this year! Very odd behaviour from her.

Leeds2 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:20:30

Who are the other bridesmaids? As in, maybe they are all family. Or she may have the view that bridesmaids should be single (which would fit, if you knew none of them were married!).
Certainly not unreasonable not to go to a week long hen do abroad. Tell her you can't afford it/can't get childcare/can't get time off work - whatever.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 13-Nov-17 19:20:56

I wouldn't go on the hen do but I am petty!!

Uokbing Mon 13-Nov-17 19:21:09

Yeah that's a bit shit. The exact thing happened to my friend, her only bridesmaid got married the following year and had 4 bridesmaids and my friend wasn't one of them and was really gutted.

I have a couple of friends that I would have loved to have been bridesmaid for, but I got married abroad with close family only so couldn't complain really that I didn't make the cut!

The hen do is a slightly separate issue - I am not against weekend hen dos and everything but a week? Are all her friends as wealthy as her?

BabloHoney Mon 13-Nov-17 19:21:43

Do you think she might feel she’s asking enough of you by asking you to come on the expensive hen do? When I was bridesmaid my friend bought the dress but I bought the shoes & paid for my own hair and make up.. it can add up. Maybe she feels it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to do that on top of hen do plus wedding gifts, travel etc?

wobblywonderwoman Mon 13-Nov-17 19:22:39

I wouldn't go on the week long hen. No way

Understandably you are hurt but I don't think you can really bring this up with her. It is her choice and hers alone. But it does show you where you stand with her. It is a pity but I'd just leave it.

greendale17 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:24:44

*I wouldn't go on the week long hen. No way*

Absolutely ridiculous and selfish to have a week long hen party.

TidyDancer Mon 13-Nov-17 19:25:16

I’m pretty sure I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid for one of my best friends because I was quite overweight and wouldn’t have looked good in the official photos. She has never confirmed this but I am pretty certain this was the reason.

Yanbu to be hurt OP. I was.

BobbinThreadbare123 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:29:09

My sister just did this to me. That hurts.

KarriPotter Mon 13-Nov-17 19:30:34

This happened to me in a similar sense. I have a really good friend who picked two of our other good friends as her BMs and not me. I was really gutted but I kept it to myself. But then she had no end of spats and trouble (from both her being a bit of a bridezilla and them being flaky and half arsed) and I could see that she regretted picking at least one of them. I felt a little smug, to be honest! She’s not massively close to either of them now.

Marissa2727 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:31:19

Thank you for replies, feeling a bit better about it. Was thinking I might just be being too sensitive.

@Leeds2 It’s not all family she’s having her sister and sister in law to be but also 4 friends.

@BabloHoney I don’t think so... she’s paying for everything - dresses, shoes, makeup etc. The wedding is also close to home.

@TidyDancer That’s awful!!! hmm

BulletFox Mon 13-Nov-17 19:31:23

Yanbu to be hurt.

I was slightly hurt when one of my best friends decided she didn't want any bridesmaids but she spoke to me about her reasoning and I was the only non-family member to read at her wedding. Knees knocking in front of 200 people.

If you can't afford it let her know you can't go. Friendships can change so much over time.

Ttbb Mon 13-Nov-17 19:32:05

Who are the other bridesmaids? Some people only choose children for example. Others only choose family.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 13-Nov-17 19:33:18

I'm with, Just booked. Although its got nothing to do with being petty. I'd
There are times when you have to let your feelings known.
Its not like you're a Johnny come lately 5 minute mate

Sayyouwill Mon 13-Nov-17 19:35:46

@Marissa2727 are the other bridesmaids single or unmarried? Some people don’t ask married women to be bridesmaids

ChickenVindaloo2 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:38:32

Not to be funny OP but are you significantly better looking than her? She might not want anyone overshadowing her.

If not, she's a cunt. Ditch and move on.

Marissa2727 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:40:52

@Sayyouwill thank you. There is one married friend but the rest are unmarried... so not sure that’s it

Intercom Mon 13-Nov-17 19:42:30

YANBU. If she's a good friend she should at least be giving you a reason why you weren't chosen. Of course you won't ask, but it would be nice if she told you why it's nothing personal.

thirtyplusone Mon 13-Nov-17 19:42:38

YANBU. my ‘best friend’ who had been like family to me since we were 11 never asked me, I was really hurt. In my head she was always going to be my maid of honour now I don’t know if I’ll invite her, it’s too painful.

I assumed it was family but then on the day there were other friends I’d never even met involved in various roles and readings, work collegues and uni friends.

It still hurts me to know that she doesn’t view me the way I did her. Never spoken about it but I eased off, she never gets in touch anymore and we’ve never been the same since. Breaks my heart.

Marissa2727 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:43:29

@ChickenVindaloo2 haha she is a very pretty lady herself so I wouldn’t have thought so. Just thinking about it... the other bridesmaids are all very pretty so can’t be that either. Arrg 😞 she just mustn’t like me as much as I thought!

diddl Mon 13-Nov-17 19:44:01

I think it's petty to not go on the hen do because you're not a bridesmaid.

If you can't afford it or don't want to use a week of AL, that's good enough reason to not go.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Mon 13-Nov-17 19:44:04

If not, she's a cunt. Ditch and move on

Do people actually behave like this with their friends when they don't get everything they want? If so, it's not them that's the cunts hmm

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 13-Nov-17 19:46:00

A week of them all talking wedding talk when you have been sidelined won't be fun ..spend the cash on a fun week end away with dh!! grin

LivLemler Mon 13-Nov-17 19:47:41

Are the four non related BMs from the same friendship group? Maybe once she'd asked family and her school friends (or work friends she's seen every day for years, or whatever) she just couldn't face going to SEVEN bridesmaids.

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