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How to confront Granny?

(53 Posts)
Raven11 Mon 13-Nov-17 13:47:38

My Gran is in her mid 80s and I usually do her food shopping/anything she needs so I firstly I can't just cut contact with her (which I would like to!)

IVe realised my Gran is a narcissist, selfish and cannot help but lie/stir the pot. She's always been like this looking back but I've only just noticed it for myself.

My Gran has done a lot of things this year but this is the most recent/ something I don't just want to ignore and carry on as usual:

My sister lives in another country and I quite often spend Christmas with her and my nephews. This year some other family members are going over and it will be a full house (already discussed with my sis, and spoke of how everyone would fit etc). According to my grandmother my sister called her crying as she didn't know how to tell me that there wouldn't be room for me, and that my sis would prefer to me to go another time. Gran then ended the conversation with a huge smile on her face with 'don't worry you can come here'. I. Shouldn't . Of. Took. No. Notice. I. Knew. She. Was. Lying.

Apparently the conversation went like:
DG 'looks like you'll be having a full place at yours this Christmas so Raven will have to come here.'
Dsis 'no, she's here every year and we can always make space, you could even come!'

I now haven't booked my ticket. I'm very insecure and while I knew my gran was lying I thought at the time that maybe i should let my sis and other family members have quality time together. It's now going to cost me 3x the amount it would have a month ago and to be honest I just can't afford it. My sister is livid and doesn't want to speak to her again as this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

My Gran loves trying to get the family members to fall out. She loves stirring the pot. I used to be extremely close with her but I cannot stand her. She just lies and manipulates everyone around her- I've seen it so many times I know my sister is 100x telling the truth. I want to have it out with her. I've never had an argument in life before, if anyone raises their voice at me I can't help but cry- she still makes me cry! I need some words of advice how to approach that she flat out lied to me and twisted things for her benefit. Any ideas?

Hoppinggreen Mon 13-Nov-17 13:50:06

Absolutely no bloody point in confronting people like this, they will twist it around until you feel bad no it's all your fault
Either put up with her and learn how to " manage" her crap or go nc

EssentialHummus Mon 13-Nov-17 13:51:41

If you must keep her in your life, ignore this shite. Don’t confront, she’ll only find a way to play the victim in all this. Confirm things with your sister and arrange flights etc as normal.

Ttbb Mon 13-Nov-17 13:53:29

Why though? Just keep your contact to a bare minimum and get on with your life.

KimmySchmidt1 Mon 13-Nov-17 13:55:31

Silly old cow.

While you are at it though, the in the English language that sentence should have read I shouldn't HAVE taken ANY notice.

Trailedanderror Mon 13-Nov-17 13:56:01

Oh you poor thing. Have you booked your ticket now and if not, have you triple checked on flight scanner etc. to see if you can get a cheaper flight.

mummyretired Mon 13-Nov-17 13:56:18

I would confront factually - this is what you said, this is the problem it has caused. Ask her if she can help you with the cost of flights as her confusion has made things more expensive for you. Make it plain that you are very upset about it.

Be prepared for her to say no - but I then would make a point of not spending Christmas with her and reducing contact to the minimum.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 13-Nov-17 13:58:45

Omg what an absolute bitch.

The most important thing is, I think, that you should still go. I think you need to be able to move past this effectively- I don't think you'll want to cut her off, it needs dealing within other ways - so you need to not miss out on the trip otherwise you will be eaten up with hatred.

Would you be able to ask other family members to help you out with some of the costs in lieu of a present? Would your sister help?

Thry say the best revenge is living well and I think employing a version of this would be a great way to say FUCK YOU to your horrible granny. If you can get the money together, you could let her know that you and the family are all so upset by what she did that they've chipped in, you've scraped together and you're sure she'll be pleased to know that her misrepresenting the situation hasn't cost you your time together after all. She may not hear from any of them for a while of course until they can bear to speak to her again but she surely understands that.

And off you go.

Gromance02 Mon 13-Nov-17 14:00:58

I would go NC for that. She should've thought about how she'd cope without your help before behaving so horrifically.

mummmy2017 Mon 13-Nov-17 14:02:23

Tell your sister your going to say this first but thank you Gran for the HELP and your going to have a PJ xmas , where you see NO ONE.
That you will see her sometime over the holiday season, but that your xmas gift to yourself will be a very quiet one

I would say don’t confront her. If she enjoys creating strife, she will love knowing she’s caused you upset and extra expense. She’ll hate getting no reaction from you.

BrandNewHouse Mon 13-Nov-17 14:07:25

Can you do icy? Or say something as you are leaving that she has few days to stew.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 13-Nov-17 14:11:42

Or -

'Sorry gran I think I'm going to have to pass on the shopping to someone else. As I'm now booking late I'm going to have to take on extra work to cover the rise in flight prices. I'm going to be really busy from now on. I probably won't see you so much. But I guess that's your own fault!'

Sashkin Mon 13-Nov-17 14:13:43

She can absolutely do her own food shopping. She should have thought of that before she fucked up your Christmas.

At very most, I would tell her to text/write you a list, go round and take the list off her without going into the house, and drop the shopping off on her doorstep. Tell her exactly why you are doing it, and how long you are doing it for (until New Year?). She needs to feel some consequences for wrecking your Christmas and trying to damage your relationship with your sister.

A lot of people will pop up to say she is a poor little old lady and you should bend over backwards for her, but she sounds nasty. Have as much interaction with her as she would have with the Ocado man for a month or two.

whiskyowl Mon 13-Nov-17 14:17:59

Your gran is an abusive arsehole, who doesn't even realise how lucky she is to have such a caring grandchild. I think you should raise this, if only to set a boundary and to show her that you aren't stupid enough to fall for her mind games. Otherwise, if there is no boundary, she'll just keep trying to push you.

Take some steps to protect yourself. You can't abandon your gran instantly, but you don't have to put up with crap from her either.

NinonDeLenclos Mon 13-Nov-17 14:18:57

I can't imagine why you held off buying a ticket to your sister on the say so of a lonely old woman who's trying to see you for Christmas.

Please don't have it out with her in some chavvy way - it's completely pointless.

Old people go potty and it sounds like she's always been a pain. Just chalk it up to experience and don't pay any attention to anything she says.

MNOverinvestor Mon 13-Nov-17 14:21:46

She sounds vile and you mustn't let her win/feel that she's won. What would make you happiest? From what you say, I think it's seeing your sister? Could members of your family club together and help you with the ticket as a present? Skyscanner is a good idea, so is flying on Xmas Day itself (if the flight times work it means you can be there by the evening).

Bubblysqueak Mon 13-Nov-17 14:22:42

Did she do it so she wouldn't be on her own for Christmas?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Mon 13-Nov-17 14:23:36

You do your grandmother a favour by doing her shopping and yet you feel that YOU can’t cut ties. Gran knows this, she won’t change, you will have to. Change or put up with her crap, theme your options I’m afraid.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 13-Nov-17 14:23:49

Got to agree, confronting her will achieve precisely nothing. sad

My great gran was a manipulative old witch too - she lived in a house with her married daughter and her youngest married son and their spouses. It was her absolute joy and delight to stir up trouble between her daughter and my nanna and she did it as much as she ever could. Disgusting - and of course my poor nanna was the one who ended up doing all the care of the old baggage, as her own daughter wouldn't do anything for her angry

I agree with those saying make your own plans now that don't include your gran on Christmas Day. Hopefully you have some friends who would love to have you over! But do NOT give her the satisfaction of having you there on Christmas Day - that will just encourage her to do similar again.

And, I bet you know this now, always check when she passes on some bollocks like that again - she's clearly not to be trusted, but that sort of manipulation only works when you don't feel able to talk to the other party.

whiskyowl Mon 13-Nov-17 14:24:24

"I can't imagine why you held off buying a ticket to your sister on the say so of a lonely old woman who's trying to see you for Christmas.

Please don't have it out with her in some chavvy way - it's completely pointless.

Old people go potty and it sounds like she's always been a pain. Just chalk it up to experience and don't pay any attention to anything she says."

Full marks for ageism, classism, and total lack of empathy as to why someone who self-describes as totally caring and non-aggressive might think their family didn't really want them over Christmas, when they were told that by a relative.

PumpkinSquash Mon 13-Nov-17 14:32:56

You NEED to go, for your own sanity, otherwise she'll have got her own way, will totally try it on again as she knows she can get away with it, and all the rest of the family are upset too so you know they want you there.
Can you not get cheap flights, any way of getting there/family chipping in? It'd be a clear sign to her not to pull that type of shit again as it doesn''t work. It can't work if all you and your family are all on board and talking to each other. Crap like your gran pulls can only work on the assumption people won't actually talk to each other about it.
What a foul thing for your gran to do.
Under NO circumstances should you be at your gran's for Xmas after this!

piggleiggle83949 Mon 13-Nov-17 14:32:59

*
While you are at it though, the in the English language that sentence should have read I shouldn't HAVE taken ANY notice.*

hmm
Is there any need?

LeePalmer Mon 13-Nov-17 14:38:16

Absolutely agree

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Mon 13-Nov-17 14:39:24

She's in her mid 80's and you have literally just this week "realised" that she is a selfish narcissitic liar? That seems.....unlikely.

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