Help me sound reasonable about Christmas?(17 Posts)
Ok so this is really bad but I do need help with this. I do apologise to anyone who finds my problem silly.
I've posted about this before.
Basically my DP(arents) and DH have had a fallout and are NC. Not going to work out anytime soon.
Up until now we've not had issues with Christmas as my family are from a different country where we have the main celebration on the 24th which is Christmas Eve. So we would spend 24th with my DPs and 25th with DHs family as that's when the respective parties celebrate.
This year my DM started a new job and will most likely be required to work on the 24th (it rotates every year and since she's a new starter she will most likely work it this year). She has stated that she will be doing the Christmas celebrations on the 25th. For obvious reasons this won't work for me. She's left it hanging in the air and I know she's waiting for me to address it (basically to say I won't make it as we are at PILs) and make me out to be unreasonable as "it's only this year" or "I'm working all other days surely you could make an exception" or "insert other quote about being pushed aside/made to feel worthless/guilt trip" .
I know I'm not being u in this (I hope so anyway), it would be unfair to expect my PILs and BiL with his wife and kids to change the day of THEIR ACTUAL CHRISTMAS because my DM is working on the day of hers. I know my PILs will generally be off over the Christmas period but it's Christmas Day! My family don't celebrate Christmas Day they celebrate Christmas Eve. Not to even mention I'm not taking my toddler DC and new baby away from their DDad on Christmas Day.
So long story short need ideas of the best way to phrase this to sound reasonable to an unreasonable person...?
I need to sound so reasonable she won't have a point to argue (even though she probably will as its my DM). I don't fancy any drama/issues or long discussions or debates but I feel no matter what I will be made out to be the bad one...
Please throw your best stock phrases at me???
I remember your last thread. I think a better way would be to phrase it as it is, and steel yourself to ignore the inevitable guilt trip. Use the old, "I'm sorry you feel that way" term.
If she wants to swap her Christmas Eve celebrations to a different day. Why pick Christmas Day??
Why not swap to another random day when she is off work?
If 25th has no significance why not get her to celebrate the week before or the week after?
Sorry you've had to change your plans DM. Unfortunately we'd already made ours thinking it would be business as usual and can't change them. How about x date (whatever works for you). Really looking forward to seeing you then.
I'm sorry but from what I remember from previous threads and what you say here I'm not sure there is any possible phrasing you can come up with that will satisfy DM so that she quietly accepts your decision.
I think you're just going to have to be upfront and then ride it out whilst refusing to engage in any drama. Could you offer Boxing Day instead?
This year we will be staying at home. Just us and the kids.
I know it feels impossible but you don't actually have to take on board her attitude and feel bad about it. She is not going to change, she is not going to be nice about it and she obviously picked the 25th ready to line up a simple me v the rest of the world paranoia victim trip.
The good news is that you are now completely prepared for her reaction and anything other than a meltdown will be a bonus.
That means you don't need to apologise. You don't need to make it right for her. You don't need to separate from your DH for the day and you definitely don't need to miss out on the Christmas you want.
Just be factual - I'm sorry you think you might have to work on Christmas Eve, that's a nightmare for you. As you know, we celebrate Christmas Day with the in laws but can come to you on Boxing Day/27t/whenever and are happy to keep Christmas Eve free on the off-chance your rota doesn't work out as badly as you think it might.
I remember your previous threads. It's very hard for us to judge because you never say why your DPs and your DH have fallen out - though I do wonder if you're also the poster whose DH and DPs were in business together and it failed?
Anyway, your parents sounds incredibly toxic from all the threads you've posted under this name. I think it's time to start becoming more resilient to the emotional blackmail and stand up to your parents once and for all.
"That's a pity about Christmas Eve - can we get together to celebrate on a different day (could even be a week before or after)? Obviously Christmas Day won't work as I'm spending that with DH and the DCs."
No need to specify that you're spending the 25th with the ILs as that's irrelevant. The point is that you're obviously going to spend it with your own nuclear family, and if DPs and DH are NC then you can't see DPs on the 25th, end of.
I remember your previous threads.
Go NC with your toxic parents.
Thank you for the replies.
I am constantly striving to be more resilient. I think the difficulty I usually face is the fact of how much sense they're capable of making and it makes you question yourself iykwim?
Also my DGPs tend to (albeit silently and without bringing it up with me or falling out with me) side with my parents as they're hundreds of miles away (different country) and I'm still their little DGD in their eyes so my DPs will be making more sense to them.
I guess I just have to bite the bullet.
Would it be so bad if I brought it up with my DF rather than DM? He can then minimise the conflict (or take the brunt of the blow up) I think and it would really help me as I'm heavily pregnant ATM and could really do without the stress.
How many threads do you need? Genuinely. Every time we point out your parents are toxic yet back you come again to hear us say the same thing as last time. Unless you go NC with them, you'll be here again and again and again.
If she's left it hanging you don't need to do anything.
Wait for her to bring it up, then say "What a shame! Shall we do 23 or 26 instead - which do you prefer?"
Then she says "I want Christmas Day" and you say "Sorry, were at ILs on CD but we could do 23 or 26".
@ShatnersWig I post here for support and advice. I don't go "oh poor me look how bad I've got it" I sometimes just genuinely want a bit of help to learn to handle these situations better and eventually be able to stand my ground 100%
As I've mentioned before I'm not going NC as it is too complicated, it would cause me lots of heartache and I believe I can learn to manage/distance myself from their behaviours enough to allow a steady relationship with me and my DCs.
I genuinely just wanted best/most reasonable things to say that's all.
You had the exact same thread a couple of weeks ago? So what advice did you get there that you feel wouldn't work? If you tell is what won't work we may be able to come up with something that will help you.
That said, I think you need counselling to learn how to deal with things.
I agree with another poster - just don’t bring it up. When they ask, just say that plans are already set for that day and ask what other days / times work for your parents. Your DM can’t be working 24 hours a day 7 days a week over the whole Xmas period!
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