to ask how exactly you cut off family?

[user83939484943]

I’m 21 and really need help cutting my family off. There’s so many things to go into, but generally they were abusive

My mother is the worst. Always comments on my appearance/outfits whilst never making the effort to wash and brush her teeth herself. She’s nosy and gives me no privacy- think spying on me from keyholes, from the window, rooting through my stuff to find my payslips, goes through my trash, making fake accounts on social media to stalk. Used to beat me, call me a slag etc. I don’t want to make this post too long but she is verbally and physically abusive and an absolute stalker. She has no life of her own and never leaves the house so it’s all taken out on me.

She has a selective memory and just remember her as being a sweet innocent elderly woman that hasn’t told me to kill myself before, among other vile remarks.

My brother is disgusting. Used to regularly beat me, give me no privacy ie walking in on me in the bath/toilet (no door lock), walking into my bedroom whenever, whatever state of undress, punched holes in my door, spat at me, threatened to kill me only last month. Unemployed, uses brothels, a general embarrassment. My mother thinks he’s the golden child and can do no wrong, will always take his side and defend him. He thinks he’s God.

My question is how exactly do you cut them off? I have moved 200 miles away. I have deleted and blocked them all on social media and my phone contacts but it doesn’t stop them from stalking me on social media, adding their commentary on my life or my trash mother from emailing me with her ‘woe is me you’re so mean for not staying in touch’ emails. All they do is detract from my life and make it worse - I just want them out of my life forever. But how????

[uglyflowers]

New email address and social media address under false name. If they still bother you, see a solicitor. They sound awful. Get counselling too.

[justilou1]

Set up new social media accounts and be very, very selective about who you befriend online. Change mobile numbers. Make sure all your bills are sent to your current address only. Get a restraining order if necessary.

[justilou1]

Actually, you can change your name as well. The deed poll option is very expensive, but as an adult, you are entitled to get your birth certificate re-issued with a new name. You don't need their permission and you don't need them to know about it. This is what I did when I was 20 for very similar reasons.

[Battleax]

Move house, change contact details.

[Bunbunbunny]

You can create a deed poll for free

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/make-an-adult-deed-poll

[BulletFox]

That sounds hideous, sorry you're going through this.

You really do need to detach and be able to lead your own life and heal. They're so toxic.

[Givemeallthechocolate]

Get rid of any way they had of contacting you, I did just this 3 years ago, it was hard, but I've regained my mental health (mostly!) it's meant cutting off everyone who was in my childhood, it's meant that a very select few know where I live- literally 5 of my Facebook friends have my address, the others don't even know which town I live in.

I am completely hidden away, but myself and DD are away from their barrages of abuse, we are safe, happy and I am not constantly worrying.
Mbest thing ever! I hope that the new start makes you feel the same

[RemainOptimistic]

Lock down your privacy settings! Google for a tutorial if you don't know how.

[Leilaniii]

Change your name by Deed Poll. Remove yourself from social media for a while. You can do it and it sounds like you should.

[LoveProsecco]

This sounds awful. You sound so brave for moving away & making a new life. Do you have RL support?

Great advice here re name change & social media

[Ceesadoo]

I agree with LoveProsecco. You are very strong and very brave.

[SilverSpot]

New email address.

Block their numbers on your phone.

New Facebook profile. Make sure your privacy settings on Facebook to super private where you can't be tagged, can't be searched for and only friends can see your posts. Also block them. Block anyone you suspect of letting them see your profile (i.e. other family).

More extreme, but consider changing your name. This could be useful e.g. if you need to be on linked in for professional reasons.

[YorkieDorkie]

Can you get a restraining order or some sort of injunction? I don't know how they work but I'd imagine that this is what they're for... I also happen to agree with a name change on social media. Or deactivate your account for a month or so, change your name for when you return. Make sure every single photo is on lock down and your profile picture isn't recognisable.

[SloeSloeQuickQuickGin]

MagicTapeDispenser

Do you mind me being provocative? You've had no contact with your own DM and now taken out an order against your NIL. Some might suggest there isa common denominator in this scenario

[KimmySchmidt1]

Make your social media accounts private and cancel a few of them. Pick one that you really need to stay in touch with friends. Will the world collapse if you are not on lots of different platforms?

Ignore emails if you can't start a new email account.

I am sure they will get bored eventually.

[Sunrisesand]

@justilou1 you can't get a new birth certificate
You can change by deed poll but not birth certificate

[Aderyn17]

If you do change your name, don't use that name on social media - pick a nickname, so it cannot be connected to your new identity.

[CabbagesOnFire]

Yes move away and get them out of your life, but there is another thing you can do for when you do have contact with them. Google "grey rock technique." It's a way of reducing the emotional content of your interactions with them, so that they don't get the "kick" out of it that they don't present. It involves you being really boring to them, being calm and disinterested around them, and not allowing them to feed off your reactions. They want to upset you, they want you to be annoyed, for whatever sick reason, they want to provoke you. It gives them a twisted sick feeling of power, a dirty little high. By responding with shrugging indifference like you really don't care what they think it reduces the power they have over you

[CabbagesOnFire]

Sorry, typo. I meant "so that they don't get the "kick" out of it that they do at present."

[butterfly56]

Agree with other pps
Change name by deed poll
Remove yourself and pictures etc from Social Media
New Email address
Only return to social media using a non identifiable name and do not put any identifying stuff on FB
Set up a Secret group on Facebook then only invite your most trusted friends. It cannot be searched or appear on FB.
Personally I do not use FB, Twitter or any other SM except MN.
Good Luck OP with getting your life back!

[justilou1]

Sunrisesand - You can and I did. It is surprisingly easy.

[ZoeWashburne]

Set your social media to private. Only your friends can see/ comment.

Go through and 'cull' your friends list. Only people that you genuinely know are real accounts and have met in person (and that you trust).

Set your privacy settings so no one can see any details unless you are friends with them, and you have to approve them.

Otherwise, just delete their comments and continue to block. Do not engage.

[niknac1]

New SIM card, new emails, no Facebook, no twitter. Deactivate old sims, Facebook, Twitter. Ignore and don’t reply.

[GeekLove]

It might be an idea to inform your bank and employment about the fact you are changing your name/NC in terms of next of kin ans emergency contacts. These are not people you would want informed should an emergency arise and you will need to think of those who do.