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To think weddings are not ALL about the bride and groom??

(102 Posts)
procrastinationsupremo Sun 12-Nov-17 20:43:06

People are generally so generous to people who are getting married, they travel, buy presents, dress up etc etc. Not to mention close friends and family who may well have helped out with preparations and organisation and made financial contributions to the proceedings.... Yet otherwise reasonable people seem to lose all sense and think it's fine to expect people to wear things they're uncomfortable in, pay for things they can't afford and leave tiny babies behind at home.... Surely it's a lovely, warm, happy, family/friends celebration and you just want everyone to be comfortable and have a good time?? What's the point of a perfectly stage managed wedding where everyone's miserable and trying not to resent you!!?!?

ZoeWashburne Sun 12-Nov-17 20:49:06

I was always told the ceremony is about the couple, the reception is a thank you from the couple to the guests for witnessing their ceremony.

The ‘it’s your day do whatever you want’ mentality is just awful and self-centred. Can and should are different words- just because you can ask people to wear purple etc doesn’t mean you should.

I also think that when a couple puts a “wedding vision” over guests comfort is just obnoxious.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders Sun 12-Nov-17 20:49:51

Yes and no...
If you’re spending a whole load of money and hosting then you can have it however you like. If people don’t want to come, that’s their choice. However, why would you ant to host an event that will greatly inconvenience your loved ones and doesn’t take their needs into account?

Appraiser Sun 12-Nov-17 20:52:14

Our wedding was centred on everyone being happy. People go OTT and seem to lose sight of what they’re getting married for.

For us it was about saying our vows in front of our family and friends, which we did without drama.

Of course it is impossible to keep everyone happy but we did what we could - clear expectations of the day (a timed schedule issued in the Church), plenty of drink / food, kids invited, more food / drink, decent entertainment, time with each of our guests, kids entertainment and no presents expected (although people still did)

Weddings have become more and more commercial - from stag do’s to Las Vegas / Europe, to x3 hen dos to attend prior to the wedding —looking at you SIL—

Council Sun 12-Nov-17 20:52:16

I agree. If you throw a party it's about the guests. Yes the ceremony is about the couple but the party should be about the guests and (where B&G are young at least) the parents

ZoeWashburne Sun 12-Nov-17 20:52:26

Ps- I was once told about a CF couple that charged their guests for food and drink at their wedding, but managed to pay for a bouncy castle and dodge ‘ems.

There is nothing wrong with having a registry wedding then tea and cake afterwards.

All a couple NEEDS to have to get married is 2 consenting adults, an officiant and a witness. Everything else is w choice.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Sun 12-Nov-17 20:55:32

I think most people do want everyone to have a good time but it's difficult to plan an event that Great Aunt Diane (aged 74 with a dodgy hip), niece Rosie (aged 2 and having a biting phase), nephew Billy (aged 9 and only really likes computer games), funny cousin Richard (aged 27 who everyone is hoping has remembered to take his meds), single party girl Sophie (aged 25 and hoping not to be single tonight)... I could go on... will all enjoy.

So given they are all spending maybe a hundred or a few hundred attending and the bride and groom are spending 10s of thousands (and have probably sat through Great Aunt Diane's wedding anniversary, Rosie's christening, Billy's 9th birthday at the leisure centre, Sophie's 21st birthday at that awful club in that dodgy part of London that required a £50 taxi back to zone 6...) I reckon they can please themselves! grin

Tara336 Sun 12-Nov-17 20:57:30

Last wedding I went too was nothing but a stage managed production with a total bridezilla expecting everyone to play bit parts in "her day" it was a miserable experience 😡

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal Sun 12-Nov-17 20:58:03

...leave tiny babies behind at home

So you're pissed off because someone's having a childfree wedding then?

Littleraincloud Sun 12-Nov-17 20:58:21

I don't get it either - but I'm a grumpy cow who refuses to give cash gifts
If they ask for cash they get a smaller gift than I would have bought anyway

user1493413286 Sun 12-Nov-17 20:58:58

I know what you mean and in planning my wedding I hope I’m not being difficult with people but I also find it very hard to cater to every individual’s needs, everyone thinks they’re the only one asking for individual treatment but it ends up being a lot of people. For example a venue might give you one menu choice for children then ten people email saying they’re children doesn’t like what you’re giving and your caterer are not happy to cook different meals for every child and people get offended. That’s probably not what you’re thinking of but it’s one of the many things causing me stress.
When I’ve been a bridesmaid I’ve worn what I’m told to and done what I’m supposed to because I love the bride and I want to make her happy, if I don’t like the dress it’s only one day of my life and as a general guest I wouldn’t attend the wedding if I didn’t feel I could afford it etc.
I do think though that with the cost of attending weddings that people shouldn’t necessarily expect gifts. I’m fully aware that people will be paying to travel and stay for us therefore not expecting gifts.

hazeyjane Sun 12-Nov-17 20:59:16

Yes and no

If you're having a wedding wedding then you have to take into account your guests, as you are the hosts.

Or you could be selfish arses (like dh and I were) and just get married without guests and a party, because you want it to just be about the two of you.

hazeyjane Sun 12-Nov-17 20:59:50

...should add, both those options ate perfectly valid!

Bluntness100 Sun 12-Nov-17 21:01:33

What's the point of a perfectly stage managed wedding where everyone's miserable and trying not to resent you!!

I’ve never attended a wedding where everyone feels this way. And I e been to a lot of weddings. So I’d say this is more about how you feel about whomever is driving your post. As such, I suggest you decline the invite.

IncyWincyGrownUp Sun 12-Nov-17 21:03:29

A marriage ceremony is for the bride and groom, nobody else at all.

If they choose to involve you in a bigger even that just the basic contract signing then great.

You have no right to expect or dictate anything to do with the wedding though, because that makes you a twat.

Similarly, you’re under no obligation to accept an invitation. An invitation given with bells and whistles attached make the bride and groom look like twats.

The sooner the whole industry implodes and people realise it’s just contracts and security the better it will be. Party optional.

procrastinationsupremo Sun 12-Nov-17 21:04:05

spiteful nope, and I don't have a tiny baby, but it seems to happen quite a lot if MN is to be believed. I've never actually taken a child to a wedding, nor attended a child free wedding, so maybe it's not a thing in RL??

Rainbunny Sun 12-Nov-17 21:07:24

We didn't want to go through the fuss and expense of a big wedding and both our families are literally over 6,000 miles apart, so we eloped. It was perfect for us but we never heard the end of it from friends and family. You can't win when it comes to weddings - everyone has an opinion on how you should get married to please them best!

Vango Sun 12-Nov-17 21:09:50

Similarly, you’re under no obligation to accept an invitation

This is the one statement, trotted out on every single wedding thread, that I absolutely take issue with! If it's family, no matter how elaborate the production, or how costly for guests, you are obliged to attend. Or to suffer the fall-out for quite a long time.

MaisyPops Sun 12-Nov-17 21:11:46

To me, weddings are about the couple being married and spending time with loved ones.

When people choose venue for pretty pictures over logistics for their guests I feel it isn't on.
E.g. we went to a wedding which was a 1.5/2 hour drive each way for everyone. It was childfree too so long drive and babysitters.

I get that some people often have to travel. The last wedding I was at we had a weekend in London. But that was because lots of their family were SE based and lots of friends who work abroad could easily fly to london and trains to london are easier than some small town in the home counties.

But when people start expecting weekend hen dos, swish venues where the discount on rooms is still £150 a room or an exoensive 50min taxi home etc I think it's a bit photos over guests.

procrastinationsupremo Sun 12-Nov-17 21:13:01

The post genuinely isn't about me! Actually, tbh I've never really been to a wedding like the one I described. I just seem to read a lot about about them on here. I don't think I would ever decline a wedding invitation from a close friend or family member unless I genuinely couldn't attend (e.g. for financial reasons etc.) I just don't get the 'it's all about the bride and groom' stuff that seems to be spouted a lot.

Maybe it's the 10s of thousands of £££ someone mentioned above. I guess if I was forking out my annual salary on a single day I'd be pretty uptight about it going the way I'd envisioned, but I would NEVER spend that kind of money on a single day.

Council Sun 12-Nov-17 21:13:29

I agree there's no obligation to accept an invitation but an awful lot of couples work very hard to make you feel like there is.

HurtyAtThirty Sun 12-Nov-17 21:14:07

We've got a family wedding next year that's child free, it's a family one and all family that live close by/people I could comfortably leave my 2yr old with are attending this wedding. I've got to figure out a way to either find all day childcare (could possibly ask one of the girls from nursery) but that's going to cost a hell of a lot, or ask friends to come up and stay with us especially to look after my DD (which is a bit cheeky "oh do you want to visit on X day? We won't be there but could you look after little hurty").
I get that being child free is the bride and groom's prerogative but sometimes I do think "wait till you have kids!". One friend had a cf wedding, another of our friends was still ebf her DD9mths and she had to leave before the speeches to go home and bf, then was expected to be back for the evening reception. The bride then had her DS and moaned that her DH was the best man at a destination wedding and it was cf and how inconsiderate it was, despite her DPs offering to come away with them and babysit whilst they attend Ines the wedding. There was talk that the DH wouldn't be best man at his childhood friends wedding....I just thought it was karma tbh

LadyDeLaFuente Sun 12-Nov-17 21:14:49

YABU. I've always had a great time at weddings despite having to travel, spend money, etc, and I think the day is absolutely about the couple who are getting married! If it was ever too expensive or far away, I'd feel grateful to be invited but turn down the invitation and wish them all the best.

One thing is being a bridezilla and making totally unreasonable demands, another thing is telling people the time, date and dress code of the ceremony/reception and hoping they can come. I personally don't think the couple have to choose these things based on a friend just having had a baby or not feeling comfortable in a suit. If someone can't afford to go, that's a real shame, but why should the couple change all their plans?

Btw, I say this as someone who is so incredibly grateful when people make an effort to come to anything I organise - I don't consider myself at all demanding or ungrateful.

ReanimatedSGB Sun 12-Nov-17 21:17:07

All sorts of variations on this, really. Some couples find their weddings get taken over by one or more pushy parents (of the couple) who want far more fuss than the couple would like and/or to dictate the guest list. Some couples do see themselves as local celebrities just because they are getting married, and therefore everyone else has to jump through hoops and do all sorts of inconvenient/uncomfortable/expensive things because the wedding couple are so special.
And some guests think that they are the most important people - that their weird dietary requirements should be indulged despite them giving the hosts no notice, that it's OK for them to not only bring their three appallingly-behaved under-fives despite the no-kids invitation but to allow those under-fives to scream and fart and puke and rampage throughout the ceremony and the reception because 'children are such wonderful free spirits'. Or that they can turn up with a random person who they have just started dating, despite having not been offered a plus-one invite.

Basically, some people are dicks. If you are getting married, plan the day you can afford and will probably enjoy, but be aware you aren't going to be able to please everyone. If you are invited to a wedding that doesn't welcome your kids, or is in the arse end of nowhere on a weekday, or where you are expected to wear some expensive, uncomfortable, peculiar outfit, just politely decline.

Originalfoogirl Sun 12-Nov-17 21:18:21

We took the view that we would piss people off no matter what we chose to do, so we did what we would enjoy at a wedding, and what suited us as a couple. Many of the traditions just weren’t us, so we cut them out.

That said, part of what suited us was to make sure our guests enjoyed themselves. It all seemed to go ok and people still talk about the fun they had so we must have done something right. No doubt there were folks who complained about stuff but that’s unavoidable.

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