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Aibu to think seperate houses is a good idea?

(37 Posts)
Mrsknackered Sun 12-Nov-17 20:13:41

Right so I love DP, a lot. But I hate his messiness, and I hate who it's making me become.
I moan and moan, beg and recently even CRIED about it.
He felt bad, so cleaned the oven. Right before I was about to start cooking the Sunday dinner. For guests.
I lost my shit, and said to him if he cannot see how he can help, then I think the answer maybe separate houses. I can't live like this, and it's like he doesn't even see it half the time. I'm not even a hugely tidy person, either!

Just so I'm not dripfeeding: He worked shifts before - often starting 3pm and finishing at 3am, so majority of childcare and cleaning has always just been done by me, he is now doing 9-4.30, Monday to Friday, so I'm expecting a LOT more.

MismatchedCat Sun 12-Nov-17 20:22:57

YANBU

I hate the "learned helplessness" of so many men when it comes to domestic matters. Separate houses is actually very sensible (though I wonder how many could actually afford it).

My parents are friends with a couple, and the woman is a very ordinary normal type person, but the man is an eccentric artist type, and not at all domesticated. They have kids, are legally married, been together for more than 40 years, but have ALWAYS maintained separate houses. I'm sure if they attempted to live together the woman would have gotten fed up within a year and kicked him out, and they would never have stayed together so long.

essieestherson Sun 12-Nov-17 20:24:57

I am in a similar position to you. It drives me crazy when my dh literally cannot pick up anything after himself. I have no idea if separate houses is a good idea or not... do you have dc? I guess if its do-able for you and works you for then why not! Genuinely the idea sounds great to me rIght now!

Viviene Sun 12-Nov-17 20:26:45

Surely a cleaner is a cheaper solution to the problem?

sooperdooper Sun 12-Nov-17 20:26:53

I would happily live in separate houses, I'm sick to death of cleaning up his shit constantly & having a clean tidy house makes me feel calmer

Bubblebubblepop Sun 12-Nov-17 20:27:51

I think it would be great to haves both sides of a semi! Expensive though lol

pilates Sun 12-Nov-17 20:29:44

If you can afford it, yes

Mrsknackered Sun 12-Nov-17 20:33:19

Yes a cleaner would be cheaper, however, that is so far from the point. He SHOULD do it, it shouldn't be left for anyone else to do.
Here's an example of a few things this last week, that have really got on my tits:

• comes in from work and leaves shoes by the door and coats on back of the sofa. We have a coat hanger and shoe rack in the same room.
• before work one morning, spilt tea over the side, through a tea towel over it and left it.
• heated up pizza on a plate, and left the dirty plate in the microwave.
• did a wash with only his clothes, despite me constantly doing everybody's laundry. Then left his clothes in their, I took them out two days later and put them in a bag. They're probably still rotting in there.

This is on top of a billion other things he doesn't think to do. Or the bags of clutter that are 'for the basement' or 'charity shop bag' that never, ever move.

Our half arsed painted bathroom.

The constant car parts left on the kitchen table.

I don't know if we could afford to live separately, but it's worth me looking into!!!! angry

LurkingQuietly Sun 12-Nov-17 20:34:11

It’s really tough OP. I’m in a similar (ish) situation where I’m a SAHM and DH works long, long hours so naturally most of the house stuff falls to me. Ordinarily I’m really happy with this situation. However, I’m pregnant and struggling to do anything at the moment so DH has really stepped up. Except he’s fucking useless at it all really.

Examples: Laundry is being put away smelling like cats piss as he’s not letting it dry properly. The floors are disgraceful as he sweeps the kitchen, then wiped all the crumbs off the sides onto the floor...every time. He doesn’t clean the kitchen sides ever. The bathroom is vile. There is stuff everywhere. It’s like he’s a child. Actually, my 3 year old is better at tidying than him. So today I forced myself to do some cleaning...and guess what. Ended up at a walk in centre having thrown up so violently I burst blood vessels in both eyes and vomited blood. I don’t know what to do, or what to suggest to you. It’s driving me absolutely mad and trust me when I say I really do not have high standards!

Katyazamo Sun 12-Nov-17 20:34:43

If I could afford separate houses I would be all over it.
We have a rota 🙈. Childish I know but the only way for me. I was sick of having to ask every little thing. My boyfriend is the type of person who uses the microwave, leaves the door open. Gets a plate, leaves the cupboard open etc.
He works full time, I work part time and we have three kids under 4. I leave him certain things to do such as taking the bins/ recycling out in the evening or sweeping out doors etc. I do the majority still but it means a few less tasks for me and less of the constant nagging.

Singleandproud Sun 12-Nov-17 20:41:43

My parents lived separately for about 5 years when I was a teen. We had our small 3 bed and then a 2 bed flat my parents brought cheap and did up. I think it probably saved their marriage. DF has some MH issues and was difficult to live with which he has since received support and is much better. Younger DB was also dealing with CAMHS etc for his own MH so home was very stressful at the the time and I was your normally moody teen. Family life was completely normal l saw DDad at meal times, taxii'd us around to school and activities, family day outs etc just at 9pm or so he'd go to his flat. DB and I had a bunk bed in our room at the flat so could stay at either home if we wanted which was also useful when me and mum needed space.

Julie8008 Sun 12-Nov-17 20:43:53

I would go for it. 2 terraced houses with a conjoining door, or a large house partitioned into 2. Everyone wins. I dont know why more people dont do it.

Blankiefan Sun 12-Nov-17 20:55:07

I know someone who did this. She was ready to properly split up. She gave him an ultimatum so he bought her a new house and she moved out. (He's v. wealthy)

12 years later they're still together - just in different houses but still a couple and they parent their ds together. They're very happy.

Don't know how you'd manage it if not pretty well off tho.. well you could mange it but I reckon you'd resent the extra / "wasted" cash.

JetCityWoman Sun 12-Nov-17 20:58:38

This is my ideal relationship. Houses next door. I really need my space. Crave it. I'm currently struggling with a 10yo not understanding my need for space. A grown man doing it would send me over the edge.

Mrsknackered Sun 12-Nov-17 20:59:50

His friend is always looking for a housemate, he's less than a mile away. He could stay here, be here for dinners and everything but I cannot be doing this anymore. It's ridiculous.

Ttbb Sun 12-Nov-17 21:03:05

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just hire a cleaner?

MistressDeeCee Sun 12-Nov-17 21:06:43

I would never live with a man again. I don't want their mess and stress. Or even their daily presence. Tried it twice before. Nope. Actually OH is a lot tidier than me tho. Together 5 years, live separately will see each other 4/5 times weekly split between him staying over here or me going there. We like having a couple of days to ourself. Both self-employed which is intense at times. If I want extra day to myself and vice versa then it's cool. I had mental load with ExH...not only housework, other stuff. It's soul-destroying.

OP all I can think of is a Rota. & side rules...don't walk out of room leaving cup/plate on table..hang up coat when you enter the house...it will be like talking to a child tho. Would do my head in. Perhaps a Cleaner is the way forward to save all this angst. Bet he'd make mess within minutes of her leaving tho. Do these type of men not realise how un-sexy this renders them?!

MistressDeeCee Sun 12-Nov-17 21:06:47

I would never live with a man again. I don't want their mess and stress. Or even their daily presence. Tried it twice before. Nope. Actually OH is a lot tidier than me tho. Together 5 years, live separately will see each other 4/5 times weekly split between him staying over here or me going there. We like having a couple of days to ourself. Both self-employed which is intense at times. If I want extra day to myself and vice versa then it's cool. I had mental load with ExH...not only housework, other stuff. It's soul-destroying.

OP all I can think of is a Rota. & side rules...don't walk out of room leaving cup/plate on table..hang up coat when you enter the house...it will be like talking to a child tho. Would do my head in. Perhaps a Cleaner is the way forward to save all this angst. Bet he'd make mess within minutes of her leaving tho. Do these type of men not realise how un-sexy this renders them?!

RaindropsAndSparkles Sun 12-Nov-17 21:08:40

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton did it. They still separated.

Can you give him specific jobs op. Bins Monday, sweeping outside Tuesday, outdoor paintwork Wednesday, Hoover x and y room Thursday, unload and put shopping away Friday, bins and clean box Saturday, and if it's all don nicely sex on Sunday grin

user1493413286 Sun 12-Nov-17 21:10:42

Sometimes I genuinely think that houses or flats next door to each other are the answer to some of mine and OHs problems as we could be in each other’s places when the other one is home but I wouldn’t constantly come home to loads of mess and I wouldn’t feel so much resentment at doing so much. Sadly the costs of that wouldn’t be possible.

user1493413286 Sun 12-Nov-17 21:13:09

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9055288
This article says it all for me

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Sun 12-Nov-17 21:14:48

I lived with a man once...never again. He'd go for a run, come home drenched in sweat and then sit on the fabric sofa. I had to point out that his arse sweat would be permeating the sofa fabric! He'd have a shower and leave water over the bathroom floor and wet towel on the bed. He'd make a cup of tea, leave the milk out (on a warm day), and leave splatters on the worktop. Take something out of a drawer and leave it open a few inches. Take something out of a cupboard and leave the door open. He'd put dirty dishes "to soak" then not wash up, so there'd be a bowl of dirty cold water and dirty dishes in the sink for hours. He'd do the washing up badly so plates still had food stuck on them, then not like it when I asked him to redo them. It kills the love, it really does. I'd love a relationship but seperate houses, something like either side of a semi, is the way to go. Unfortunately I suspect most people couldn't afford to do it.

Council Sun 12-Nov-17 21:16:39

I really like the idea of a pair of log cabins (or caravans!) in an idyllic location

brasty Sun 12-Nov-17 21:23:49

But who does the childcare and associated work?

Council Sun 12-Nov-17 21:30:41

If we're being serious about it brasty I do think there are compelling reasons why families should live together whenever possible during the child rearing years, but that's coming to an end for me and I really want those log cabins.

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