To think actually, you're up shit creek and you shouldn't be judging me?(43 Posts)
Perhaps I'm being a cunt. I'm fully prepared to be told I am.
Dh makes a good income that we can live off fairly well, but I also top it up WFH in a flexible part time position and freelancing on top of that. I make anywhere from $1050 to $3400 per week, but we could cope on just the $820 I'm paid for the secure part time position (which is only 8.5hrs a week). We're doing ok.
BIL has got the idea we're struggling, I don't know why. But he seems to think I'm unemployed too? I've tried to address it with him. It seems to boil down to, you're not in an office 9-5 so you must be making $4 a day. I'm not about to spreadsheet my earnings for him, but I have told him roughly what I make. He won't listen, that's fine. However he insists upon telling the wider family (mil who dh is almost nc with - huge backstory, and other family members) that I'm unemployed/do nothing/earn very little/we're struggling. Our little family (me ds and dh) is doing just fine. Really, we are. But what makes it all the more galling is that they're about to be up shit creek.
Backstory; BIL has a pregnant girlfriend. They live together in her grandmas house. She's due next month, will be taking the legal maximum mat leave of 3 months (not in the uk) then cashing in her annual leave and not going back. They're not eligible to claim state welfare, because he's not a citizen of this country and neither is she though they're both entitled to the right to remain.
So their only income is about to disappear, he's refusing jobs left right and centre because he doesn't want to work a shit job, a stressful job, doesn't want to do nights, doesn't want to deliver for takeaways. Etc. you get the picture. Nothing is good enough. Fine, their prerogative and he'll soon become less fussy when he needs to put food on the table for his child. But for now I leave him to it.
I'm just not happy with his assumptions about our family finances (which are doing fine) the way he speaks to us about our finances. For example we recently got given a notice to vacate which expires in 2 months (works perfectly fine we're moving anyway but landlord wants his daughter to move in) and BIL has got himself in a huge tizzy about us being blacklisted from renting (can happen here) for having a dog (we have permission to have the dog - can't be blacklisted ) and other such shit. Basically, he's always got to be saving the day so invents problems and spreads them around the family. So as it stands, here are some untrue statements.
I don't work and DH is struggling to keep us afloat (not true)
We're being evicted for having a dog (not true)
We're going to be blacklisted for having a dog/damaging the property (we broke a plant pot that came with the house, $20 replacement and the letting agents/landlord wasn't bothered as we replaced quickly!)
We're living on instant noodles (okay I do have a thing for instant noodles with cheese on and he's seen me eating them, but I promise I can cook a nutritious meal too and have other foods!) funny coming from somebody who does live on free takeaway food though...
Fully prepared to be told I'm a judgemental twat, I do think I'm being unfair in some respects perhaps but Aibu to think that, if you're in the situation he's in, you should be getting into a panic induced frenzy about your own fucked up situation before applying it to your brothers family who are doing just fine?
Getting sick of hearing 2nd hand info about how poor/stupid/naive/how much trouble we're in. Dh's elderly nana has been in contact offering him money (she's in the UK on a very small pension living in a freezing mobile home) to the tune of £1700, all of her savings, because she thinks we're struggling! We aren't, but as he's been telling everybody we are, dh's family think he's just being proud or something. Gah.
So give it to me straight please, Aibu?
BIL is trying to paint your family and DH as the black sheep, always in trouble to detract form his own fuck ups in life.
What can you do about it? Probably nothing, bar telling him to wind his neck in. The wider family will think, as you put it, that your DH is just too proud to admit to the troubles they have been told you are in.
Some people just need to be invested in other people’s lives because if they looked at their own, they’d realise that they were screwed. As irritating as it is that he is telling the extended family, I’d ignore it. It’s not worth thinking about. The people in the family who need to know the truth, will de because they talk to you. Those who don’t, the complicated mother, who gives toss. Don’t let it get to you, don’t justify, you don’t nees to do either.
Just ignore him. If anyone else asks tell them he is talking shite.
Email round the whole family with some kind of evidence of income - your reason for this being that you have heard x y z is being said and it has got to the extent of scaring (elderly relative) and you’re really uncomfortable with that. So in order to clarify, you would like to confirm that you earn x amount on average per month and are not in any kind of difficulty.
Do you live in some bizarre parallel universe where being unemployed or on unpaid mat leave somehow leaves you better off than working and earning thousands of dollars a month because that would be the only way what your BIL thinks makes any sense. He needs to pour his energies into sorting his life out instead of making crap up about yours.
The nice thing is that the nan cares. You just need to brush it off with ‘you know what bil is like, he likes to make up stories’. And deep down they know this is true
YANBU to be annoyed but YABU to give his idiocy so much head space. If anyone mentions anything untrue he has told them just laugh, roll your eyes and say 'I don't know why he says these things, he must know they're not true' and move on. If he says anything in front of you roll your eyes again, shrug and say 'Yeah, right' and move on. Don't let his issues become your problem.
I would just shrug, if anyone asks say you feel sorry for him as he is obviously projecting his own issues on to you.
do you think this is leading up to him claiming that he is helping you out financially and that is why he is in a mess - and try to scam cash from others?
This is interesting, my husbands brother and his wife did this to us, broadly similar - fascinating psychology behind it - I assume?!
Your brother is a drama queen who is undoubtedly motivated by jealousy. I would simply ask him why he needs to see you in that light to make himself feel better about his situation. I would let the extended family know that he is projecting his situation and that if you needed help, you would not be too proud to ask, but you are genuinely doing very well and reports of you being on the breadline are grossly exaggerated.
Don't send evidence of your income around to your family. That is asking for vultures.
Yanbu I have an uncle like this iv got bells palsy (facial paralysis) so he has gone and told the whole family that I am perminently disabled and on disability benefits neither is true and bells palsy is temporary (most of the time) and ist even a disability .
Put people right and if that makes your BIL look like an idiot then so be it.
- grandma it's very sweet of you to offer us money but we don't need it thank you. we're doing really well and are excited about moving soon - it'll be so much better for us as a family, even the dog will have more space.
- noodles & cheese. Yes it's my guilty secret but we had steak/lobster/ what ever your treat dinner is the next evening.
- oh BIL, does like to make himself look like superman trying to sort things out, it's a shame he doesn't listen because what we actually said was the landlord gave us a great reference and has given us a moving out present.
Or try doing the same to BIL
He sounds really irritating but the whole family sounds very gossipy. I have family me,bears who try to talk shite about other family members. I tell them I'm not interested and I wouldn't dream of passing on the gossip to the person being gossiped about.
I think you could do a family email based on the fact you DHs Nana contacted you offering money. I'd keep it upbeat and friendly. No need to feed the drama.
Thanks all. Wonder if it's a "thing" if other people do it too. Would be interesting to know the psychology behind it... it's just fucking irritating.
We do deflect as much as we can, but then we have people insisting we're in denial/too proud or ashamed to ask and trying to force help on us. We don't need it! We're actually in one of the best financial places we've ever been in... hmm. BIL does have a thing for being the hero. Ie, asked him to clarify something about our rental contract when we signed 11 ish months ago, he told us it was fine and all usual. Then proceeded to spend the next 6 weeks jeering about how naive we are and how he had to save the day. So maybe he's telling people he's giving us cash? Hadn't occurred to me before. But given both of them have large debts including a government fine for driving without a license (him, not her, tbf to her) and they live on her small part time wage in her grandmothers house I wouldn't take a dollar off him for a trolley at Coles nevermind anything substantial!
Why does this person have so much access to your life/Home/information to be able to talk about it to others?
Is it not normal for your family to know about your work situation? The rest of it is made up or exaggerated. For eg, the plant pot that was broken came up in conversation because dh said something like "dsname knocked the plant pot over then dropped his tricycle on it. Kids eh? So we've got to head to y to pick up a new one", then all of a sudden we've damaged the property and are being kicked out for it. He knows we've been given notice because we had some time on the tenancy. He asked dh if we'd be ok paying double rent while we move, dh said yes the landlord had given us no fault notice because he wants his daughter to have the property.... He's also been asking dh for bits of advice re; being a new dad (it's bils first).
He finds out bits and pieces the usual way, then exaggerates them/fills the blanks in with bullshit and twists them to suit the narrative of "they are poor stupid and naive"
Is it not normal for your family to know about your work situation?
But when they’re lying, shit stirring gossips, no. You limit their access to your home and information.
Why are you giving this headspace? Is he gossiping or something?
Just ignore him, if he tries to talk about it just say ‘well that’s not true at all’ and refuse to be drawn. If he’s talking to your PILs about it, give them the heads up that for some reason he’s got a bee in his bonnet about your money and is convinced you’re struggling when you’re not.
Honestly, as annoying as it is, just dismiss it as his silly ramblings.
Well we didn't realise he was a lying gobshite until after he'd been a lying gobshite, by which point 90% of the damage had already been done.
Im not rocking back and forth and fuming about it 24/7, but I do find it irritating.
Nobody else seems to realise he's talking shite and when you have somebody offering to give you every penny they have when they're in a bad situation because they think you need it, it can be upsetting. Especially as then it's questioned if we're in a bad situation anyway and dh is just letting his pride in the way. He's not, we're fine. But it's assumed we are. Can't really win then.
Oh well, you know he is now. If people offer you money, set them straight. Otherwise just get on with your life and stop letting him in your house and business.
Join the discussion
Please login first.