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To be mad that daughters father has changed his surname?

(166 Posts)
JessHaynes Sat 11-Nov-17 22:23:54

Hi everyone,

I am beyond fuming! I have just been made aware that my ex (my daughters father) has gotten married and changed his last name to smething completely new! It’s not like he has even taken his new wife’s name!

The problem is my only daughter, who he cut contact with 2 years ago (when he got wth this new lady) is only 7 and has what was his last name. Now she doesn’t “match” her mother or father. Her name is completely meaningless! We were engaged but split up before she turned 1 but I had given her his family name under the assumption that we would marry and all have the same name.

How can he do this? He pays child supprt but hasn’t seen her at all for 2 years, he never asks about her. He has completely ghosted her, she has a wonderful stepfather and barely mentions her biological father anymore.... in all honesty, she most likely doesn’t even remember him. But she is going to ask questions one day and this has just made it more difficult to explain.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name? He is a 30 year old man! He has had that name for 30 years quite happily and now doesn’t want it? Even though it is the only tie my daughter actually has to him?

I am going to ask him to let me change my daughters surname to mine, he probably won’t object anyways but it just makes me livid that I have to ask permission to have my own daughter share my name even though he has ‘unshared’ his name with her.

Sorry.... just feel completely blindsided and shocked. I don’t know what to do.

slothface Sat 11-Nov-17 22:26:26

Surely it's no worse than if you married your new partner and changed your surname to his?

Poshindevon Sat 11-Nov-17 22:30:42

I have never understood why children who are born to unmarried women are given the fathers surname.
I have seen several problems similar to those of the OP and it is upsetting. By taking the mothers family name there is a sense of belonging and the child is not tied to a father they dont know

JessHaynes Sat 11-Nov-17 22:30:45

But then my daughter would still have her fathers name. At least a tie to one of her parents... now, because I gave her his last name, she neither has mine nor his.

I was really gutted when we split up, she is my only child and I really wanted us to all share a family name, I could live with her not having mine and having his, now she doesnt even have that and if he is spiteful, I might have to fight for her to have my surname.

Just seems so unfair.

Holland00 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:30:45

Sloth I think the point is, if OP did that, DD would still have her dad's surname.

Hellywelly10 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:31:23

Your plan sounds reasonable. Hopefully the name change goes ahead and you all can get on with your lives. What a shit.

JessHaynes Sat 11-Nov-17 22:36:36

Men can be such dirtbags, completely happy to lie there and make a baby but then will do whatever they can to distance themselves from the repercussions!

GrapesAreMyJam Sat 11-Nov-17 22:39:17

My Dad did this when my parents first separated. I was 14 at the time.
My mum was really angry with it but it didn’t bother my sister and I in the slightest

Lovemusic33 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:45:05

Change her name to your surname?

GherkinSnatch Sat 11-Nov-17 22:47:14

Change her name to your surname?

I don’t understand why unmarried mothers don’t give their children their name, it makes life so much easier for the main carer to have the same name as the child.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 11-Nov-17 22:48:30

I'm sorry that this has come as a shock for you, Jess. Your ex sounds a bit strange but at the very least he is paying maintenance for his child so he's not abdicating his responsibility entirely.

I think this bothers you far more than it would upset your daughter; she will be happy to have your name and she's still young so it may not even register.

As he doesn't see his daughter I'm sure changing her name to yours will not bother him; there's no reason why it should. I hope the name-change goes smoothly.

Gemini69 Sat 11-Nov-17 22:51:53

is this an attempt at a change in Identity OP... as a means of disappearing.. new wife ... new name ... new start hmm it's all a bit odd particularly as he's not even taking his new Wife's name ... has she taken his 'New' name ? flowers

PeiPeiPing Sat 11-Nov-17 22:53:22


I have never understood why children who are born to unmarried women are given the fathers surname.

I have seen several problems similar to those of the OP and it is upsetting. By taking the mothers family name there is a sense of belonging and the child is not tied to a father they don't know

This ^ I have never ever ever 'got it' at ALL.

Probably 9 out of 10 women I know who had kids out of wedlock, gave them the man's surname, even when there was no intention at that time to get married, and on some occasions, they were not even with the man by the time the baby was born. Was it some attempt to get him back, or some attempt to get him to marry her? Who knows?!

It really puzzles me though. As the vast majority of children end up staying with their mother when a relationship breaks down; surely it makes sense to have her surname. Things really need to change. It should be a given that children born out of wedlock have the mother's surname.

Branleuse Sat 11-Nov-17 22:54:05

I would get her surname changed to yours, or both make up a new name together and change it by deedpoll

PeiPeiPing Sat 11-Nov-17 22:54:14

All that said ^ I agree that you should change her name to YOUR surname.

And the sooner the better!!!

DistanceCall Sat 11-Nov-17 22:56:19

It's not only her father's surname, but her father's family's surname. In a sense, your daughter has the true, historical surname that links her to her family past, while your ex just has a made-up name.

I'd focus on that.

TonicandLime Sat 11-Nov-17 23:01:48

I know this is completely un PC and I'm not saying I agree with it and when I was younger and less well educated about the legalities, benefits, etc I would happily have had a child unmarried - Not now and as for giving the child his name WHY? He's not even committed enough to marry you.

picklemepopcorn Sat 11-Nov-17 23:06:02

Ask her what name she wants. Maybe yours, maybe her very own choice. Why not?

DangerousBeanz Sat 11-Nov-17 23:06:24

My DH and I had been together 10 years when dd was born but we went married so she had my surname. We did marry later. Dd and i kept our names.
Change her name to yours.

CamperVamp Sat 11-Nov-17 23:07:19

“Sloth I think the point is, if OP did that, DD would still have her dad's surname.”

Only if the child had been given the Dad’s name.

Women are always choosing to take the next husband’s name over the name they share with the child, even if it was the mother’s birth name.

OP, your ex is a bad dad, but because he doesn’t see her.
Not because he had chosen another surname.

I very much hope you can change her surname to yours,

Don’t then in tne future start all that ‘same family name ‘ by which you mean take the man’s name, stuff

LipstickHandbagCoffee Sat 11-Nov-17 23:08:45

Born out of wedlock? wheres my pomander?some of you are odd using such terminology

CamperVamp Sat 11-Nov-17 23:10:22

You could just change your name to your Dd’s Name! Now that you wouldn’t be sharing it with your ex!

doodle01 Sat 11-Nov-17 23:14:06

This is not an issue as if your correct he has nothing to do with her and so what. Get over it

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 11-Nov-17 23:14:38

Lipstick, it's a standard phrase for not being married and having a child. It's not old-fashioned to protect yourself and your children by being married when you have them. It's very foolish not to be, unless you are completely self-sufficient and can guarantee to be so in future.

Starlight2345 Sat 11-Nov-17 23:16:18

I am in a similar position to you. Though married when we had DS so we all had the same surname.

We are now divorced. I found out through the CMS he changed his surname..It is to his step dad's so not changed through marriage.

I get your annoyance . I found out through CSA letter. My son and I do have the same surname. However not only has my DS's dad not bothered to have a relationship with him but also has disconnected himself in name too. I haven't spoke to my DS about it as there is no real benefit telling him at this age.
Mine also pays £6 a week through CMS. He only pays that pittance because he is made to.

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