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To feel like cutting ties with friend

(50 Posts)
eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 19:00:00

Long long friendship since mums and tots . We have been through a lot together and i love her and her 3 children dearly. Her eldest dd has just gone to uni leaving her with 2 DSs. 15 and 16 . She had always been a bit erratic but a great mum. Last few years she has been a bit restless - tried setting up a business, got hooked up with a bloke she met abroad and keeps going off to visit, falling out with ex etc . Business didn’t take off but I was able to employ her in a well paid admin role. She started in Jan . Doing well . The job pays 20k and I am very flexible with her . Her relationship with her sons is a bit volatile- I help out where I can (my DH Has taken the eldest on as an apprentice) . Youngest is thrown out of school so doing a college Btec type thing (not attending much). I come back from holiday today and find out she had handed in her notice to go travelling and find herself . Wants to teach DSs a lesson!! Says they will have to go to there fathers ( he says no! He lives about 20 miles away with a new family) . I talked to her about getting family therapy or something but she won’t . Says the boys are disrespectful and abusive so she’s off . Flights booked goes in a month . Don’t know how to respond to her but I just feel that she will never fix her relationship with her boys if she goes away . We had a shouting match today. Do I just step away or support her?????

WunWun Sat 11-Nov-17 19:03:03

Where is she expecting them to live?

Jamboree05 Sat 11-Nov-17 19:07:19

I would say support her. Sounds like she's having a tough time and, whilst her behaviour is somewhat erratic and not the most responsible tbh, she may need someone to help her through this time. Has anything happened recently that would trigger this need to get away or has it been a gradual build up?

How long is she planning on going travelling for? Where is she going and how can you best help her prepare for this? (It sounds like she's made her mind up on going so I'm not sure how much trying to persuade her not to would work.)

Is her ex supportive? (Your post suggests he's not given he won't take the boys and has a "new family".) Can he be doing more to take some of the stress off her? Why has he said no to having the boys and Where are they going to go given he has said "no"?

eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 19:09:29

She says the dad will just HAVE to take them! He had always paid maintenance plus she got tax credits etc . Now one is at uni and one an apprentice he has dropped money and she no longer gets any govt support for them ( Just 15 yr old qualifies now) . She is putting her house on the market hoping to sell while she is away confused

eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 19:12:12

I really have tried to support her Jambo . I know she is finding it tough . I just feel she is being selfish and walking away from the boys ( they are a handful but I always thought they are crying out for love)

Catalufa Sat 11-Nov-17 19:12:51

You can’t support her in going away from her sons sad at least I wouldn’t be able to.

BewareOfDragons Sat 11-Nov-17 19:18:12

I honestly don't think there's much you can do; sounds like her mind is made up and she's taken serious steps to up and go. Their dad will have to step up, even if he doesn't want to....

CorbynsBumFlannel Sat 11-Nov-17 19:19:16

By abusive does she mean physically violent? Before judging be aware you may not know the full extent of what is going on. They may just be boys but I imagine they are the size of adult men. If they are abusive it may Ben that you're friend can't cope with them and they would be better off with their fathers.

BewareOfDragons Sat 11-Nov-17 19:19:51

Funny that ex went off and started a new family, and doesn't want them to live with him, ... but she's not allowed to try to have a relationship of her own after having primary custody. presumably for quite some time. It does sound like it might be his turn to step up and primary parent.

Ermm Sat 11-Nov-17 19:21:13

15 and 16 is still very young. TBH I think the people who will be needing the most support are her sons. Are there ways you can support them??

expatinscotland Sat 11-Nov-17 19:23:32

You've gone over and beyond what a lot of people can offer for 'support'. Enough is enough. She's flakey. She's also an adult. I couldn't 'support' this and don't blame you. Step away. Find another admin assistant and move on.

Laaadyofthehousespeaking Sat 11-Nov-17 19:28:18

She sounds awful! You can’t just abandon your kids! And why would you want to leave them with someone who clearly doesn’t want them? I know you say the youngest is 15 but have social services been informed- this is neglect! Those poor children.

NellMangel Sat 11-Nov-17 19:32:13

I think there's a middle option where you don't step away or support her. You can tell her you think it's a mistake but it's her life. She'll go off and do her thing, learn for herself whether it's been a worthwhile lesson. God knows what effect it will have on her sons, could be the making of them and help them realise their mum is a person in her own right.

You sound like a fab friend. I hope she doesn't lose you

eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 19:34:02

Finding a replacement at work will not be a problem- it’s frustrating but not a major issue.
She has always been a ‘smacker’ and I think the boys behaviour is more of a problem because they are her size now! They want to smack back but don’t ( have punched a few doors though)

Aeroflotgirl Sat 11-Nov-17 19:34:47

I would step away, you have supported her enough, and it looks like her mind is made up and you can't change it.

eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 19:36:52

We have been friends for 18 years and I see her everyday . I was a single parent for a while so understand that it can be hard but I can’t get my head around this .

expatinscotland Sat 11-Nov-17 19:44:01

'Finding a replacement at work will not be a problem- it’s frustrating but not a major issue.'

Please don't let go of the new person if she comes crawling back in 6 months and needs a job.

Sashkin Sat 11-Nov-17 19:48:38

Can she legally just up and leave them? I would have thought that was child abandonment/neglect as she is the resident parent.

I’m not sure how she’s going to sell the house while she’s away if they’re living in it either. Or how she will make them live at their dad’s if they don’t want to and have keys to hers. She can’t physically remove them from the house at that age can she?

I wouldn’t be supportive, but there’s no need to formally cut ties. Just don’t get involved any more than you can avoid. Sounds like buggering off and leaving them is going to torpedo her relationship with her sons once and for all and the whole thing is likely to implode into a huge shitstorm, but that’s her look out.

eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 19:50:58

No way Expat if she goes that’s it as far as work goes . If I wasn’t so upset about the boys and the consequences of her choices then I would be furious about the impact professionally-it fades into insignificance now though.
She has only booked a one way ticket .....

eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 19:56:04

Sashkin I don’t know about the legal implications re the children. She says they are no longer children ( one argument I have had) . Thinks that the house will just sell if she leaves the keys with an estate agent (2nd argument*)*. She basically will not discuss with me - hence her handing in her notice whilst I was away . So whenever she comes back there will be no family home anyway!!! I think it might be a breakdown that I never saw coming sad

Piratesandpants Sat 11-Nov-17 19:56:26

Good for her. Their father can step up, nothing wrong with that.

paddlenorapaddle Sat 11-Nov-17 20:05:31

You sound like a great friend perhaps bit over invested her ex is not the only one who needs to grow up sounds like they both do. What you mustn’t do is facilitate the ex let them sort it out offer no solutions this isn’t your fight or your place to

Goldenbear Sat 11-Nov-17 20:11:04

Wow, I couldn't support that, so she's hit them all their life and wonders why they are a handful. She sounds like she's done alot of damage already. I would imagine they'd never forgive her.

Ermm Sat 11-Nov-17 22:13:31

oh good lord. so where are the poor boys going to go if they're dad won't take them? that is horrific.

eveteen Sat 11-Nov-17 22:30:13

I think she assumes that if Dad will not have them then ex mil will step in hmm. Well that’s what she says . Ex mil is already giving her an earful . She is a pensioner 😓

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