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can't believe my own mother has just said this!

(115 Posts)
willothewisp17 Sat 11-Nov-17 13:42:19

I'll try not to go on too much here and only give a little back story. DD was born at 30+6 weeks and had an 8 week hospital stay before she got home. I coped well with her in the hospital for the most part (few dark moments) and when she finally came home I was so so happy. but I started to get obsessive over feeds, weight gain, every little sneeze and had a ton of anxiety symptoms that I would not see about because it felt so ridiculous to be unhappy after I had waited so long for her.

last couple of weeks it's came to a head and I made an appointment with my GP who prescribed me citalopram .

my mother has just informed me that I don't need to be on medication, a good slap and being told to calm down would work perfectly fine.

aibu to think that's an awful thing to say to me?

TrojansAreSmegheads Sat 11-Nov-17 13:43:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IcingSausage Sat 11-Nov-17 13:48:22

Yep, I’d agree someone needs a slap but it isn’t you.

TwinkleTee Sat 11-Nov-17 13:56:35

I'm really sorry that your mum isn't able to show you empathy and understanding when you are feeling so stressed out. It's not a particularly kind thing to say when what you need at the moment is kindness

DeepAutumn Sat 11-Nov-17 14:05:11


I see why you ended up with anxieties. I bet your childhood was not that great.

CheckpointCharlie2 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:06:01

Yes it is awful. She sounds like a cow.

DeepAutumn Sat 11-Nov-17 14:06:17

ps, my son was born at 36 weeks and i was very anxious as well.

CoolCarrie Sat 11-Nov-17 14:06:58

What a awful thing to say to anyone, but to her own daughter that really is bloody nasty. She is the one who needs a slap. Has she always been such a bitch to you willow?

TillyMint81 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:09:04

I second what autumn says.
My mum is the same. I built up the courage to speak to my sil about how bad I felt. She spoke to my mum who came round and said ‘and what’s all this bloody nonsense about driving into walls? Stop being so bloody stupid’

Step back from her a bit. She won’t help you at this point. Be kind to yourself. Anxiety around new baby is normal to a point but you have done the right thing asking for help. Might be worth speaking to someone too especially around the babies birth. You don’t have time to process it all straight away so it stands to reason that when you are home and things are settling that your brain has time to say ‘what if’ x

wheresthel1ght Sat 11-Nov-17 14:10:47

Your mum is hideous!

My dd is now 4 and I think it has only come to light recently that some of the things I have fekt/done could be a form of pnd. I have been on meds for about 12 weeks and starting to feel less like I need them to function.

You are doing the right thing! Hope you feel more stable soon! And congratulations on your baby!

willothewisp17 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:20:12

it's took me so long to actually bite the bullet and get help because I knew that I would be mocked. I've been on the receiving end of so much pressure to start weaning my daughter (she will be four months corrected on the 1st of December) and because I have refused to wean her I was told this

'DD will be that child sitting in McDonalds when she's five, all the other children will be having chicken nuggets and DD will be sitting drinking a bottle of aptamil'

how is mocking me like that helping at all? she mocks me because I keep a record of every feed, how much she takes, a record of every wet and dirty nappy. I can't help it! the obsession with feeding comes from when she was in the hospital, she couldn't come home until she had been taking suck feeds for at least 48 hours!

and because I'm feeling some side effects from the citalopram (nausea, little bit drowsy) I've been questioned as to whether I actually need them! apparently doctors just give out tablets willy nilly these days and my mother demanded to know what I actually said at my appointment! and then wondered why I wouldn't tell her.

Lovemusic33 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:20:45

My mother is the same, I recently went through a tough time (not after having a child but still I was rock bottom), gp put me on anti depressants as I was suicidal and really struggling. I told my mum and she told me to pull myself together and sort my life out, she told me I was being stupid taking pills. I no longer tell her about how I am feeling, if I'm feeling low I stay away from her as being told 'pull yourself together' is hardly going to help.

Jerseysilkvelour Sat 11-Nov-17 14:21:32

I also have a similarly awful mother if you would like to swap for a few days.

Well done you for getting yourself some help, and I hope you feel much better soon.

MyDobbygotgivenasock Sat 11-Nov-17 14:22:17

My grandmother was the same, she had undiagnosed PND, 4 children, no money, her life was hard at first no doubt about it. She was told exactly that, chin up stop making a fuss, get on with it, be a good wife and mother. It was just sad that instead of being able to realise that making another woman miserable wouldn't make a pig's whisker of difference to the difficulties she'd already lived through she felt she'd spread her bitterness around a bit. She never was a very good mother so the fact she wanted to inflict misery on her daughters probably isn't totally out of the blue.
You don't have to accept it in any way op it was a horrible, dismissive, thoughtless, unkind and ignorant thing to say but if your mother is anything like my grandmother then it may be worth realising that actually it is all about her and not at all about you.
It's hard to do NICU no matter how well you cope at the time, it's hard to have a new baby, first baby...your anxiety is a perfectly understandable response to the many assaults on your resilience and no comment at all on the joy you feel at having her with you. I hope citalopram works well for you.

Jerseysilkvelour Sat 11-Nov-17 14:23:11

And another thing - stay away from the toxic. The last thing you need is someone constantly mocking you. The position of mother does not entitle her to belittle, bully and undermine you at every turn.

CryingMessFFS Sat 11-Nov-17 14:23:19

Your mother sounds like poison

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Sat 11-Nov-17 14:24:26

I'm sorry for all that you have been through. I think most parents would err on the side of caution regarding feeds, weight etc.

Your mum sounds like a real piece of work. I wouldn't give her the time of day regarding your condition and keep the relationship at arms length. She isn't acting like a mother to you at all. She is acting like a shit.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN Sat 11-Nov-17 14:26:03

Your mother is awful, so sorry she isn't supporting you.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Weaning at 4 months is ridiculous. I also kept a log of all nappies and feeds, although not quite for 4 months.

I hope you feel better soon OP. I'd second pulling back from her for a bit, she's clearly incapable of providing appropriate support

Yerroblemom1923 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:26:17

I don't tell my mother anything about my illnesses anymore... Urge incontinence following a bad tear was "all in my head" apparently.... Try telling my bowels that when I have a 20second window to find a loo!!

MyDobbygotgivenasock Sat 11-Nov-17 14:26:57

I cross posted with your update.
Can I revise my opinion? I'm sorry but it has come to light that your mother is an arsehole. No known cure at this time.
Why is she getting so much access to you to be so awful? What does she do that has saved her neck from no contact?

FairNotFair Sat 11-Nov-17 14:27:36

Your mother should be ashamed of herself

CycleHire Sat 11-Nov-17 14:28:42

Similar thoughts from my mother when I had PND, with a large element of anxiety, sounds a lot like what you’re experiencing. The good news is that you can feel better and I’m confident you will - take the tablets, the side effects should settle down.

I had the whole ‘everyone finds it tough’ bollocks from my mum. In my view either she had PND too and it’s a shame that in her day it wasn’t recognised but why should I suffer on the basis that she just had to get on with things. Or she didn’t have PND and can’t imagine that someone else might have a different experience. She basically told me that I was making her and my dad ill with the stress of worrying about me and the baby and I should know what I needed to do to feel better. I told her I was doing by following medical advice. She told me that getting on with the cleaning would help.

Anyway, don’t listen to your mother. Take the advice of medical professionals and modern treatment and o hope you’re feeling better soon.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sat 11-Nov-17 14:52:29

Jeez, she sounds lovely. Its rather miraculous that you turned out as strong and sensible as you sound.

I think everyone gets anxious when their baby is tiny about little things/ checking breathing etc. Considering what you've been through I imagine it is multiplied many times. flowers

Headofthehive55 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:54:40

What do you think will happen if you don't keep a log?

BeALert Sat 11-Nov-17 15:04:43

She's being a complete cow, and I'm not surprised you're struggling with anxiety if you've had a lifetime of this treatment.

You're going to have to be blunt with her. It might help to have a response ready for when she mocks you. Something like:

"I'm not really interested in hearing your thoughts unless you have something positive to say."

Broken record - say it every time.

Be ready for her to be miffed that you are being so 'rude' (you're not). Don't get drawn into further conversations.

You may eventually end up with a better relationship with her, or you may end up with not much relationship at all, but either will be better than how she is treating you at the moment.

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