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to find family life so bloody difficult?

(12 Posts)
StressedNameChange123 Sat 11-Nov-17 13:02:29

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I’m just so unhappy at home at the minute. DH works long hours, we have 3 DC under 5 (#3 was a shock). The noise and mess is constant. The constant relentless need and being touched and questions and poo and tantrums and trying to get the baby to nap and the toddler to eat is driving me mad. I make sure were out at playgroups/ soft play/ the park/ aquarium etc every day while the oldest is in school. DH is very supportive and puts them to bed when he gets in but that’s the only hour he’s here from day to day.

I love them of course and feel guilty because I know I’m doing a crap job, I’m either stressed out of my mind or bored to tears all the time and haven’t slept properly since 2013. My toddler tells me he doesn’t like me every day and wants Nana.

I used to have a real job which I loved but the hours were like DH, we would be spending all my wage on childcare and never seeing them if I went back confused.

AIBU to feel like this? How do other SAHM manage!! I am so lucky in so many ways and I realise a lot of people on here have real problems, but I just don’t know who to talk to.

Sofabitch Sat 11-Nov-17 13:05:28

No clue, I tried and I couldn't do it and took the financial hit whilst they were young on childcare.

I think people often don't account the long term loss of wages at loosing promotions etc when they say they cant afford it. If you don't like being at home dont do it.

On the plus side it gets easier as they get older.

formerbabe Sat 11-Nov-17 13:11:19

I used to have a real job which I loved but the hours were like DH, we would be spending all my wage on childcare

Yes but if you'd be happier it would be worth it, surely?

Badweekjustgotworse Sat 11-Nov-17 13:12:18

stressed I hear you! The constant grinding down of all enthusiasm and the sheer levels of energy it takes not to be ratty in the face of constant irritation is fucking exhausting. I've just gone back part time and honestly it's worse! Next year I'm going back full time when mine are all in school and I only have to worry about after nursery childcare. It's bloody tough and I regularly want to punch people who look all enthused with life and joyful blush.

Could you look into getting a childminder for one day a week so you have some time to yourself without interruptions or distraction? And use that time for yourself NOT tenewing car insurance, paying bills or doing laundry.... I mean lying in the sofa watching Netflix and painting your nails!

JustDanceAddict Sat 11-Nov-17 13:19:01

I was SAHM for 6 years until my youngest went to school. Some of it was boring/frustrating as hell but I made sure we were out of the howay se as much as possible seeing friends, they went to nursery v part time from aged 2-ish so I could have a couple of mornings off a week. It was the only way I could stay sane as I couldn’t fill every day with activities and I was never one for staying in with them bar the odd rainy afternoon.
Is there any way you could work p/t or freelance even if you’re not gaining much financially?

LadyLoveYourWhat Sat 11-Nov-17 13:27:25

Why would the whole of the childcare cost come out of your wage? Surely half of it would be covered by your husband's salary? Just comparing costs at a snapshot of time is very short term thinking too, if you both stay in work then you both progress over time or at least stay at the same level, but if one of you gives up completely than that person doesn't earn anything while the kids are tiny and then very often goes back to work at a much lower salary than when they left. We both went down to four days when I came back after my maternity leave and then bumped it up a bit when the kids were older. It is doable!

But I do feel for you, it is hard, both my husband and I felt ground down by the "unrelenting drudgery" - it will get easier.

BernardBlacksHangover Sat 11-Nov-17 13:40:12

I’m a sahm to one lovely toddler. I’m expecting dc2 now and already thinking about how I can get back to work after I have the new baby blush. It’s lovely being able to stay at home with dcs but also relentless.

My old job also involved full time hours plus a long commute, so just wasn’t practical. Even with childcare, if one of us had to leave work to collect sick dc for example, it would take both of us over an hour to get home. Plus, my salary was pants, so would only have just covered nursery fees.

I don’t imagine it will be much better if I actually do get back to work; nursery pick ups, commute etc. I think it’s just hard. And three under five looks very, very hard! It’s only temporary though and I’m sure we’ll miss these days one day (is what I tell myself).

BeALert Sat 11-Nov-17 13:44:45

You're at the most difficult bit right now. It will get better.

The baby will start nursery in a couple of years, you might get a bit more sleep, the physical pressure on you will get easier. They will all get more independent.

It's normal to feel the way you do right now. I did. It was hard!

BeALert Sat 11-Nov-17 13:45:39

Could you look into getting a childminder for one day a week so you have some time to yourself without interruptions or distraction? And use that time for yourself NOT tenewing car insurance, paying bills or doing laundry.... I mean lying in the sofa watching Netflix and painting your nails!

I wish I'd done this, looking back.

BrutusMcDogface Sat 11-Nov-17 13:47:25

Oh I feel your pain. I work part time now and two of my three are at school and although it's still busy/relentless/chaotic, it's a LOT easier. I'm currently in the kitchen having a cuppa while they play together in the living room- luckily they're not killing each other right now so I'm making the most of it!

That old chestnut: "why would the childcare come out of your wages? Half should come out of your husband's?" I DO NOT GET THIS AT ALL. Surely it's all family money? So it makes no difference whose salary it comes out of? confused

oblada Sat 11-Nov-17 13:51:33

Have u considered where you'd be financially now with the new 30hrs funded childcare + the tax free childcare scheme? May be worth checking the numbers again smile

wineusuallyhelps Sat 11-Nov-17 14:16:02

Been there myself with 3 DCs - eldest wasn’t quite 4 before the youngest was born.

During these years of them being little, I worked part-time for a year and then stopped completely.

Being home all the time was definitely harder. Unless people have done it, they can’t fully understand. Going to work is partly a break - at least you get to go to the toilet on your own and have a lunch break. I’m not sure my DH ever truly understood and he is a great dad who does as much as he can. It’s just the relentlessness that can never be described in words.

I can’t offer any advice other than to say you’re not alone; it will get easier (fact!) and to keep going out and seeing people whenever you can. Staying in will turn you potty.

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