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To think only I should tell her off?

(189 Posts)
RexMyDarling Sat 11-Nov-17 07:55:05

My LO is 34 months old. She's cheeky, tries it on and throws a magnificent tantrum when the need arises - I.e. She's a normal nearly 3 year old. She's also polite, kind and loving.

We see my sister all the time who lives with my mum who has severe dementia and a fiancé who currently doesn't live with her. So fiancé is not around all the time.

I'll be honest I'm not 100% sure he's the right man for her, but it's not my decision and I'll support my sister in whatever she chooses. I often feel shy and anxious around him - clearly my own issue. But part of the reason is he seems to think it's right for him to discipline my daughter and/or tell me how I should be doing it.

He has a daughter of his own who is 15 so he is more experienced than me and my childless sister (or my mum who is slipping away from us) but I want to parent in my own way and don't choose to use his methods.

He makes aside comments during my interactions with lo like 'wait for her to do it' 'don't do that for her' or 'isn't she doing to be punished for that?' Which make me feel judged.

He will also tell her off/threaten to put her in the naughty corner in front of me. Sort of overriding me in front of her - so I come to wish she'd be perfectly behaved so she's on my side!

Aibu to think he should butt out? Or should I take the advice of a more experienced parent?

confusedlittleone Sat 11-Nov-17 07:58:26

Yadbu for the use of "34 months" didn't read after that

AdalindSchade Sat 11-Nov-17 08:00:27

Yeah you're right he is overstepping.
But she's almost 3, not 34 months. Don't make me do maths when I'm reading mumsnet!

WhoWants2Know Sat 11-Nov-17 08:00:59

Yes, he’s being a controlling dickhead.

AnaWinter Sat 11-Nov-17 08:01:20

Just tell him to butt out. How you parent your child is none of his business. Don’t take it from him.

DancingHouse Sat 11-Nov-17 08:01:30

Ever hear the expression 'it takes a village' ?

BaxterStockboy Sat 11-Nov-17 08:01:47

34 months?? Just say she's nearly 3.

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine Sat 11-Nov-17 08:02:04

This would annoy me too.
I'd let him know that I was perfectly capable of raising my child myself in my own way and that his comments were unwanted and unnecessary.

Fattymcfaterson Sat 11-Nov-17 08:02:13

What is she doing that leads to her getting told oof all the time?

Daddystepdaddy Sat 11-Nov-17 08:02:14

He's overstepping but worth considering if you are being a but to permissive with her behaviour. At near 3 she isn't a baby any more (and doesn't need her age described in months).

MaisyPops Sat 11-Nov-17 08:02:21

So you have a child who is nearly 3 years old and have never heard of the phrase 'it takes a village'

If she's being cheeky and having tantrums then he is probably trying to help.

It sounds like you don't like this man so have an issue, but if it was your sister or someone else you'd be fine.

I don't like this idea of 'only certain people can tell my child off'. That's how people end up starting threads on here because they are furious some parent told their child not to push/wait their turn at soft play.

Jammydodger81 Sat 11-Nov-17 08:02:37

Helpful comment confused 🙄

OP, I would have snapped before now! Try to say something polite like ‘I’m fine, thanks’ or even just ‘no’. Next time he threatens to put her in the naughty corner tell him that won’t be happening. You need to stand up for yourself and DD.

maddiemookins16mum Sat 11-Nov-17 08:05:56

Normally when people say 34 months it's them saying 'she's still a baby' and I'm treating her like one'.
She's not though.
I would perhaps look closer at your childs behaviour you may be blind to it (I was with DD for a time) but I do agree it's annoying if someone else butts in with unwanted input when there may actually be no need (in your case) to and it's not really his problem.

shakingmyhead1 Sat 11-Nov-17 08:07:49

fgs you are her mother start telling him to go do one and stay out of your parenting, and say it every time and be firm! its not hard just say OI! ill deal with this you stay out of it, and im not interested in your opinion or advice! or back off and leave my kid alone, or no hunny he wont be putting you in the naughty corner cause mummy will kick his ass if he tries etc etc etc

WhatwouldAryado Sat 11-Nov-17 08:10:51

Yes other adults can tell a child their behaviour is out of line. No adults should have enough common sense to not question your discipline in front of the child. The man knows fuck all.

Newmanwannabe Sat 11-Nov-17 08:10:56

We have a friend who happily tells off others children. I don't really mind because I think "it takes a village and all" but it pisses off my DH. So really it depends on how you feel about the telling off, unless of course she is doing something dangerous that requires immediate correction (but it doesn't sound like that). Maybe a chat to him saying you feel undermined when he does that might be needed?

With his questioning of your parenting when you're not feeling angry about him think objectively, is what he's suggesting she do for herself developmentally appropriate? It's good for their confidence and social skills to get them doing somethings for themselves (unless he's expecting her to tie her own shoelaces!!!). And with "are you going to tell her off for that" is he just being a grumpy man, or does he have a point? Try to think about it from an outside point of view. There might be something to take on board or he might just be a grumpy prat to be ignored?

MaisyPops Sat 11-Nov-17 08:13:45

no hunny he wont be putting you in the naughty corner cause mummy will kick his ass if he tries
Ah right. Now i see how we end up with parents saying 'i don't give you permission to give my child a detention'. And students sayinh 'well my mam said...'

Don't involve children in adult issues.

But I'll be honest, if a child was at my house and misbehaving and their parent was doing nothing because they wete very much 'awww isn't my--not a-- baby cute. They're just being a baby. Babies are cheeky' then I'd take take the child out the room/to one side and say 'at my house we do... we do not...'
I'm not havinh my house messed up or things broken because someone doesn't deal with a tantrum.
If someone had an issue with it then I would only meet up with them without their child.

KeepServingTheDrinks Sat 11-Nov-17 08:16:37

You feel how you feel, so no - you're not being U at all.

However, to me there is a difference between wait for her to do it or don't do that for her and isn't she doing to be punished for that? or the use of a naughty corner.

To me the first two are acceptable, because he's encouraging your parenting and the last two are unacceptable because he's choosing and carrying out discipline. So I would try and take on board the first two, and (at least) think about what he's saying there and look to myself to see if I am "babying" her, or not encouraging her independence; but I would not allow the second two examples.
But that's me, and you're you. Your kid and your choice.

Do remember though that quite soon your DD will be in a pre-school setting, and will be disciplined according to their rules and policies, so her getting used to other adults having different rules and values will do her no harm.

Jammydodger81 Sat 11-Nov-17 08:17:02

It’s not his house though Maisy. It’s the op’s mum’s house.

KeepServingTheDrinks Sat 11-Nov-17 08:18:18

sorry, slight x post with Newmanwannabe who said it better than me!

Quartz2208 Sat 11-Nov-17 08:20:20

I think there is a difference between having a set of adults who all follow the same script when it comes to discipline and parenting and can therefore interchange without confusing the child (the it takes a village) and the ops case.

Here a man neither her or her child knows is undermining her parenting because he knows best. So yes he should butt out. I would limit seeing them.

Also I suspect the environment (your mum/him) unsettles her which is why she acts out when she is there

Gran22 Sat 11-Nov-17 08:22:17

Rex, are there other adults in her life, such as her father/childminder/nursery staff? Just wondering how you feel about any of them picking up on misbehaviour.

Newmanwannabe Sat 11-Nov-17 08:24:25

Haha keep The time it took me write mine I cross posted with loads of people grin

EdmundCleverClogs Sat 11-Nov-17 08:28:14

It generally depends on behaviour. If your child is playing about in inappropriate situations, and you don't seem to be making any effort to discipline, then other adults may feel they have to step in. However, you do get people (with or without children) who think they know better than everyone.

Only you know how sufficiently you discipline your child, though I have to agree with others - if you still refer to her in months rather than age at 3, it does insinuate some babying.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sat 11-Nov-17 08:29:42

I have no issue with others telling my DD “off”. We don’t tend to do the “telling off” approach and I would say my DD is very well behaved. She is nearly 4. I would massively object to someone suggesting I punish my DD. I don’t punish her!

I object to people butting in on my parenting when I am responding to my DD’s behaviour but I can’t say that has happened more than once or twice. Are you dealing with her behaviour or just letting her do what she wants because “she’s cheeky and only little”?

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