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To think it would be nice if someone offered to help

(30 Posts)
Ambonsai Sat 11-Nov-17 00:14:09

I have some single parent friends who I offer help when I can, pick ups, lifts, etc.
My husband died and I've just realised that no-one has ever offered me anything.
Not a lift for ds from a party, football game, friends house.
I've also realised that they all seem to sharing various pick ups. Ive never asked, but it would be nice for someone to offer.
Maybe it's my fault.

And while I'm here, don't you think it would be nice if one or two of the 200 people who were at my husbands funeral would make the effort to ask how we're doing? A text would do.

MissConductUS Sat 11-Nov-17 01:38:40

I understand how you feel. You don't mention how long ago your husband died, but death makes people uneasy. And people get wrapped up in their own lives and concerns. I'm not making excuses for them, but if you need something you often have to ask for it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Snafu1988 Sat 11-Nov-17 02:18:24

Maybe they do not know if it is right to reach out because death makes them uneasy.
Don‘t be shy to ask for help if you need it.
I think info not always realize if one of my friends needs help but I would love to help if they ask me for it.

Cavender Sat 11-Nov-17 02:21:29

I’m so sorry for your loss it must be terrible, I can’t begin to imagine.

flowers

Welshmaenad Sat 11-Nov-17 02:22:48

Bonsai I'm so sorry for your awful loss.

How ARE you doing?

It sounds like you're projecting an image if someone who is strong and coping but inside you're falling apart. I've been there, I've been the one too proud to ask for help. It's hard to break out of that and ask. It's crap of them but maybe they don't realise? Who is your most sympathetic friend? Start by asking them for some small help.

Snafu1988 Sat 11-Nov-17 02:25:34

Sorry for your loss. He

RuggerHug Sat 11-Nov-17 02:31:23

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I imagine you're putting on a very brave face and minding your DS through this all.

As someone who has been fortunate enough to not know what it's like first hand, I can only say from a friend/family members point of view, wanting to help can sometimes be stopped by not wanting to interfere or seem like saying you can't cope. A practical suggestion of something that would work would be done in an instant.

Please ask or suggest to someone who can but might not want to 'interfere'/offer.flowers

RuggerHug Sat 11-Nov-17 02:31:26

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I imagine you're putting on a very brave face and minding your DS through this all.

As someone who has been fortunate enough to not know what it's like first hand, I can only say from a friend/family members point of view, wanting to help can sometimes be stopped by not wanting to interfere or seem like saying you can't cope. A practical suggestion of something that would work would be done in an instant.

Please ask or suggest to someone who can but might not want to 'interfere'/offer.flowers

RuggerHug Sat 11-Nov-17 02:32:29

That was meant to be flowers not ginconfused

RuggerHug Sat 11-Nov-17 02:32:52

Flowers not gin, bloody app!

echt Sat 11-Nov-17 03:58:43

It's shit, isn't it Ambonsai?

My DH died suddenly nearly 17 months ago. It's one of those things where, in the midst of your grief you have to nod and smile when people say unthinking things, e.g.
Me: DH has died.
Numbnuts: You're kidding!!

The next bit is when you need help you have to ask. Sorry but you do, because they're all getting on with their lives. It's a fucked up bit of life where those most in need have to make the most effort.

I can count on the fingers of one finger the friends of DH who have kept in touch.

Sorry you have to go through this. thanks

Charolais Sat 11-Nov-17 05:02:25

So very sorry Ambonsai. I just read your post.

Ambonsai Sat 11-Nov-17 10:35:58

It's nearly 3 years since my husband died, so been through the awkward phase.
But even just as a single parent, who might be really delighted with not having to do every single pick up (some parties are miles away)
We had a party last week and one of the mum's asked another mum to drop off her son afterwards,it would have taken her minimum half an hour extra, I thought that was cheeky. Maybe that's what I have to do.
I think I do look like I'm coping fine. I just have to get on with it.

I've seen my 'best' friend probably 5 times in the 3 years, she only lives an hour away.

One of dh's best friends got married and I wasn't invited. He now has 2 kids. sad

It's like I'm invisible

TeachesOfPeaches Sat 11-Nov-17 10:38:49

Hi OP, I'm a single parent and if you want help you have to put yourself out there and ask. I never do but if I asked I know people would say yes. If you're seen as one of life's copers they won't expect you to need help.

Graceadlerdesigns Sat 11-Nov-17 10:48:56

I have no experience of this but i just wanted to say i am sorry they are treating you this way. Maybe it reminds them of their own mortality or maybe they are just twats.

Me and dh do all the running/arranging and organising with our friends. If i didnt make it ridiculously easy for them then i doubt i would ever hear from any of them again. Drives me crackers.

You deserve so much better flowers

hungryhippo90 Sat 11-Nov-17 10:56:08

ambonsai,
i am so sorry, you are in an incredibly shit situation, youd like to hope that the people around you would be thinking of you, but it doesnt seem like thats happened.
im really sorry. I have a new friend whos husband died a few years ago, and she has barely survived since then, no one has taken it upon themselves to ensure that shes getting the right financial help, no one helps out with the kids, very few people ever check up on her, its just shameful that people in the position either of you are in arent taken much care of at all.

i hope people buck up their ideas around you.

Phryne Sat 11-Nov-17 11:03:04

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is utterly shit how many people simply ghost after a bereavement. I am not saying it is the same, but I lost friends after my father died as I decided I couldn't be bothered with anyone who wasn't there to support me when the chips were down. And no, a solitary 'xx' on FB does not count! I watched my mother deal with this too, the not-being-invited-now-you're-single and the oh-not-her-it's-a-happy-occasion and then the why-are-you-still-sad-it's-been-years.

Ambonsai Sat 11-Nov-17 12:00:14

I need to restart my life and I don't really know how

Ambonsai Sat 11-Nov-17 12:06:17

Echt- I can't believe someone said "you're kidding"!
I'm sorry you're going through it too
Ruggerhug- gin is fine!

endofthelinefinally Sat 11-Nov-17 12:10:02

Ambonsai
I am so sorry for your loss.
You really do find out who your friends are don't you.
flowers

endofthelinefinally Sat 11-Nov-17 12:16:08

I have been hurt by the people who just didnt bother since my son died.
His close friends have been lovely and come to see us/keep in touch.
I dont make any effort with the friends who have disappeared tbh. I dont have the strength to do the running.
But, I have made a couple of new friends. They are fellow bereaved parents.
Have you joined any support groups at all?

Ambonsai Sat 11-Nov-17 13:20:07

No support groups
I tried therapy early on
But nothing now
I don't want to go over everything again and that's what talking does
I just want to move on

endofthelinefinally Sat 11-Nov-17 15:38:55

Have you considered something like WAY (widowed and young)?
Just to meet people I mean.

Icallbullshit3 Sat 11-Nov-17 15:43:18

if you live anywhere near me then I'd give you a hand chick. You shouldn't have to put on a brace face all the time sad

endofthelinefinally Sat 11-Nov-17 15:52:47

Unfortunately people do just get on with their lives.
Whereas, for us, our lives have changed forever.
For me, I feel my life has shrunk. I have lost touch with a lot of people, but I am grateful for the handful of people who have stuck around.
Even a couple that I didn't know very well previously, but they have stepped up because they are in the same boat.
So many people are fickle, fair weather friends. sad

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