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Is this normal?

(31 Posts)
WinchesterWars Sat 11-Nov-17 00:05:34

My husband and I aren’t getting on so well lately. I have a problem with the way he speaks to me at times -he says all married couples are like this and if I asked other people they’d agree with him.
The latest thing happened tonight. We were watching TV and he said he was thirsty. I said the programme only had 10 minutes to go. He asked why I had a problem with him getting a drink. I said I didn’t, that I was pointing out how little time was left in case he hadn’t realised. He said if he wanted a drink he would get one and I couldn’t stop him.
I was honestly gobsmacked and I tried to explain again but he wasn’t having any of it. It was obvious I was upset. I said it was unbelievable how he was behaving and came upstairs and got three texts from him:
- No, you are unbelievable. That should not have been an issue. I can't believe you've abandoned me over that.
- "I just need to grab a drink." "OK."
- That would have been the normal way to do it. No drama, no argument and certainly no abandoning your spouse.
His latest apology flowers are still fresh on the mantelpiece. Last weekend was ruined when he apologised for spilling coffee on a book I’d left out. I said Ok as I was trying to mop it up and he said “I think the correct response is ‘don’t worry about it, it’s fine’.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Is it me? Or are all marriages like this?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sat 11-Nov-17 00:07:55

HE says you abandoned him because you went upstairs?? hmm

afrikat Sat 11-Nov-17 00:12:44

No, they aren't. My husband and I speak to each other with respect and on the very rare occasion one of us snaps at the other (usually due to sleepless nights with the kids) we are quick to apologise.
I'm sure lots of married couples do bicker but he is talking bollocks saying that everyone speaks to their partner the way he does, he's trying to justify being an arse

Dobopdidoo1 Sat 11-Nov-17 00:22:46

I don’t understand. When he said he needed a drink, was he going to get on or did he expect you to get it for him?

WinchesterWars Sat 11-Nov-17 00:40:09

Thanks. I’ll show him your messages. When he’s talking to me again which will probably be some time next week!

MyKingdomForBrie Sat 11-Nov-17 00:43:52

Sounds like his temper is right on the edge. Is he stressed about something? You did nothing wrong, he sounds like he’s very highly strung. It’s not normal and it’s not ok for you to have to walk on egg shells all the time.

Ilovelampandchair Sat 11-Nov-17 00:45:36

How on earth was the whole weekend ruined and required apology flowers? Did he verbally abuse you following what you've already said happened? If not, in that instance it sounds like you were all passive aggressive just saying 'ok' and he was frustrated that you were being mad and unforgiving so told you what would have been nicer to hear.

I'm thinking there is some issue with how you both communicate here. Do you have problems with taking things literally and social cues?

tumblrpigeon Sat 11-Nov-17 00:48:48

We can’t tell from your messages thus far.
It’s all about the nuances in voices when you know someone really well.

LinoleumBlownapart Sat 11-Nov-17 00:50:25

I agree he sounds stressed. But why tell you he's thirsty? Why did it matter that there were only 10 minutes left? Both responses seem odd to me. When we're thirsty our usual exchange is usually "I'm going to get a drink, do you want anything?" followed by yes please a......or a no thank you.
When little things cause fights, there's usually bigger underlying reasons.

whenthestarsturnblue Sat 11-Nov-17 00:54:24

I am kind of confused? Are you both in your early 20's? This not making sense at all

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Sat 11-Nov-17 00:55:30

Don't show him your thread - he won't appreciate being talked about on here and will dismiss any opinions that don't match his own on this <bitter experience!> Keep your MN threads as a place to vent without your H knowing.

His condescending corrections spelling out how you should be reacting show a nasty superior side to him. It may be small things, but they all add up don't they?

You're allowed to be annoyed when he spills something on your book. The 'correct' response is actually "oh grrr!...." and when he cleans up "You missed a bit." And his is "oops sorry babe, I'll get you another copy if this one is ruined".

It all comes from defensiveness and shame on his part, he knows he did something wrong, but he's not emotionally articulate enough to deal with it, so he wants you to cover it up for him rather than him acknowledging what he has done.

The drink thing is odd. I can imagine the same conversation playing out here and DP saying "yeah ok, lets make a cup of tea when it finishes" rather than miss the last ten minutes or make you sit with it paused while he faffs about making a drink. If it was a case of just grabbing a glass of water, then he should have just got up and got one, and come back to watch the end. Weird reaction.

WinchesterWars Sat 11-Nov-17 00:57:05

Regarding the book last weekend, I said ‘okay’ as in ‘okay, I understand and I’m helping you clear up the mess’. When I tried to point this out he insisted I hadn’t accepted his apology properly. I then went into the utility room to get more kitchen roll and heard him say something. I said ‘I’m in the utility room; I can’t hear you’. When I came out he said he didn’t believe I couldn’t hear him. I was annoyed at that. He then asked me if I was sure I’d said it, could I be 100% sure? Yes, I got angry. I told him he was trying to control what I was saying, something he often does. Which is when he said most marriages were like this. There’s no point me trying to talk to him when he’s like that. He usually comes round on his own, hence the flowers, but it’s all getting a little tiring.

arethereanyleftatall Sat 11-Nov-17 00:58:06

The conversation from both sides was really odd and not one me and dh would have.

Ttbb Sat 11-Nov-17 00:58:39

Is he on his period? But on a serious note, he is so oversensitive he could give my MIL a run for her money.

LostForNow Sat 11-Nov-17 00:59:24

I don't understand why you got upset about him wanting to get a drink?

You sound very passive aggressive. And he sounds like a wound up knob.

WinchesterWars Sat 11-Nov-17 01:02:03

But I didn’t get upset. I just said how little time was left. I really thought his reaction was unreasonable. Maybe mine was too then.

GretchenFranklin Sat 11-Nov-17 01:03:07

Oh no don't show him your thread.

Your communication together is all skewed. No need to announce I'm going to get a drink, equally no need to explain to him that he is miss-timing his drink-getting. Odd.

Ceto Sat 11-Nov-17 01:11:12

Where does he get the idea that most married people regularly correct their partners on how they think they should be talking to them? I haven't come across any, and I've known an awful lot of married people over the years.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 11-Nov-17 01:16:06

OK, if he announces he is thirsty, is the expectation that you will immediately scurry off to get him a drink? Or is it the case that you will be cross or argumentative if he gets himself a drink?
Because it's fairly reasonable for you to say that you want to watch the programme until the end if he's asking you to go and fetch drinks, but not reasonable for you to tell him to wait if he wants to get a drink and is happy to miss the end of the programme while he gets that drink.
It's up to him to choose to skip a TV programme if he would rather go into another room and put the kettle on. But if he said he wanted a drink with the expectation that you would provide drinks 'Get it yourself' would be a perfectly reasonable response.

Basically it's not clear whether he is ordering you to serve him, or you are micromanaging what he drinks, or if he is generally framing every single conversation you have in a way that puts you in the wrong.

WinchesterWars Sat 11-Nov-17 01:23:47

We were watching something on catch-up. Wound through last adverts. About to press play when he says he’s going for a drink. I say ‘there’s only 10 minutes left’. I wasn’t trying to stop him going, I didn’t know if he realised there was so little time left to go. Of course I would have waited for him to come back before pressing play. Its a common situation where one waits for the other to come back. It’s the way he gets annoyed at me so quickly that I have a problem with. I honestly was never going to prevent him getting a drink. I thought he would know that. I tried to explain that but he didn’t agree with me.

Carouselfish Sat 11-Nov-17 01:25:09

He's being weird. He expects you to say a very particular thing and when you don't he assumes it's for negative reasons against him. Out of all proportion. You going upstairs is 'abandoning' him for example.
I think it sounds like he's terribly insecure for some reason. And seeking to make himself secure by controlling you by flipping out when you don't behave how he expects/wants you to behave.
I don't think one thing will solve this, but maybe you could try for starters, telling him if you had MEANT xyz then you would have SAID xyz and that you aren't playing any games with him, you're being straight and to stop second-guessing you.

Charolais Sat 11-Nov-17 01:34:51

I have a theory that we behave in our marriages as our respective parents did in theirs. It is what we expect. My parents were very polite to each other and respectful when I was growing up and I expected my marriage to be the same.

I’d be interested to hear about your opinion of your in-laws marriage.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 11-Nov-17 01:45:35

OK, it sounds like he is being a dick - and that he is probably abusive. If he is behaving as though everything you say or do is some kind of personal attack on him, even when it was a perfectly harmless remark, then his intention might be to train you like a dog, so that you know your place and obey instantly, or it might be a matter of making sure you are always anxious and bewildered, because that makes him feel good.

Either way, people who are married are supposed to like each other and be nice to each other. Has he always been like this, or has something changed?

steff13 Sat 11-Nov-17 01:57:11

If the show was paused, and he said he was going to get a drink, it seems like he wanted you to not start the show until he got back. You saying there is only ten minutes left sounds like you were implying he should wait. It sounds like miscommunication to me. Why not just say ok when he said he was getting a drink?

Postagestamppat Sat 11-Nov-17 02:05:43

I have gone through this type of thing with dh - bickering and disrespect. We have had lot of big conversations (arguments and tears!) as a result and divorce has been mentioned. Although we usually work through it and fingers crossed we will survive as we genuinely love each other and our family unit is strong many other respects. But it is tough feeling that your partner holds you in contempt. I agree with a pp who says that you mimic your parents marriage. And in DH's case, his family was not a happy place as his dad resented his mother for getting pregnant (1970s).

There are probably lots of things going on in the OP's situation. The OP seems to want to overly explain and justify everything as reasonable and not their fault. Which could come across as defensive, superior and patronising. The DH comes across as being defensive and oversensitive. But he gives flowers to say sorry for being in the wrong over bickering, which is not usual! That to me points to an controlling spouse expecting big actions as an apology or a nice guy.

Overanalysing every interaction is an never-ending downward spiral. The problem is very likely to be on both sides or incompatibility regarding expectations regarding communication. If I were the OP I would be looking hard at myself and sitting down with the DH and trying to have a construct conversation about expectations and respect in a marriage.

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