Grandma won’t see grandchildren

[gogglepod]

My partner has never got on with his sister and had a big argument with her as they kept buying everything for my dd (anything she wanted) and also gave sweets and fizzy pop then lied saying they hadn’t. My daughter then had a mouth full of caries but still carried on regardless. Basically partner asked them to stop or they won’t be seeing grandchild. Long story short I stepped in and said I wouldn’t stop contact and they could see children without having to deal with partner. SIL has decided she doesn’t want to talk to me no more (I refuse to let her talk to me like shit basically) again gave mil the choice of seeing grandchildren but she doesn’t want to upset her daughter so doesn’t want to see grandchildren but if I’m ever stuck will have the eldest! Now I’m thinking I now don’t want someone like her having my children if she can’t be mature and stand up to her childish daughter. How can any grandparent not want to see their grandchildren? Although I’m now quite pleased with their choice as their behaviour was having a really bad effect on my dd

[DonkeyOaty]

Oh well. Keep up the teeth cleaning regime anyway.

[Nicknacky]

How often were your kids there that they had cavities in their teeth?!

[planetclom]

Well maturity does seems to be thin on the ground here....

[Splinterz]

You get cavities from poor dental hygiene, not just fizzy pop

[Appuskidu]

Surely a mouth full of caries in a young child is more to do either parental brushing and dental hygiene than occasional sweeties from the in laws?!

[gogglepod]

My daughter brushes twice a day and drinks water with me and has treats with meals. Very frustrating when you’ve tried doing everything right apart from Grandma and aunty giving child fizzy pop and the constant need to treat her. I let it go as she only saw her at the weekend till we needed first filling them I informed them not to let her drink pop unless with a meal then to give flat pop then replace it with water after meal. When giving sweets they would give her a x3 pack of kinder eggs for example not just one from the packet, while I was there I would let her take the toys and put chocolate away for later. Basically visits did lessen as I couldn’t control sugar intake while she visited until my partner lost it with them when there was a glass of coke on the table and a Christmas amount of toys they’d bought her that day after repeatedly telling them politely not to.

[AstridWhite]

Unless your DD spends most of her time at her grandma's house and her grandma is responsible for her morning and evening teeth cleaning routine then I think it's a bit of a stretch to put the blame on her for your daughter having several cavities.

They shouldn't feed her excessive amounts of sugary junk when you've asked her not to, but children who eat tons of acidic fresh fruit are equally at risk of needing fillings if they don't clean their teeth properly.

If I were your MIL or SIL I'd be pretty furious if you tried to pin this one on me. Take some responsibility for it yourself. If it really is their fault then perhaps your child is spending too much time there and you and your DH should be taking more responsibility for feeding her and looking after her yourself.

[gogglepod]

Well on the plus note she no longer sees them and no more cavities. Yes I blamed myself at first as I let them do it as I thought it’s 1 / 2 days a week but then when they carried on later and me been told ‘that’s what WE do’. Some of it me not wanting to cause an argument (no other family member speaks with them) they are both very opinionated.
My own mother was naughty too giving pop (I only put a tiny bit of juice in) and a packet of chocolate buttons after school but once I was informed of this she stopped when I asked her to, why can’t mil do same? Unfortunately I rely on my mum for child care so luckily that side was sorted but I took dd to mil as they loved seeing her and I liked the fact she was close to all family members as I felt family was important.

[Henrysmycat]

. Well done. Excellent parenting. sarcasm

[innagazing]

My daughter brushes twice a day and drinks water with me and has treats with meals.

What do you mean by 'treats' with her meals? Is your dd having pop (fizzy or gone flat) with her meals when she's with you too?

Are you suggesting that pop that is flat is healthier when it's gone flat? Surely it has the same amount of sugar in it when it's gone flat?

Forget about giving her pop altogether. Just let her have water with all meals, wherever she is. She'll get used to it eventually. Don't let her go to her grandmother's without you there to supervise, if she refuses to stop giving her unhealthy 'treats'.

[gogglepod]

As in diluted pop, not that she gets it every meal but if she was to have pop this is when she’s allowed to drink it. She does like a cup of tea (without sugar) I wouldn’t have pop in house but partner won’t drink water without it (his dental health is his own problem) and never have fizzy. it would seem I can’t win, if she goes to Grandma she’s gonna get sweets constantly and bought endless amounts of toys. But now she has no Grandma and aunty because they will only do what they want to do. I’m not going to stop my dd enjoying a treat but one after a meal so she not constantly snacking.

[gogglepod]

Treats as in she can have a biscuit or small dish of ice cream after her tea.

[Beowulf007]

Similar situation, one set of grandparents live close (40mins) and never bother, maybe visit once a year. Gave up visiting them as they just smoke the whole time and want to chat to me and ignore the kids. The other set live other side of UK and know we're skint but happy to holiday in Rome or South of France, have a second home and yet always too skint apparently to visit us. Visited once in 8 years. We've visited them 5 times.

Some grandparents just don't care about their grandkids or their own kids. I'll always care about my kids, can never see myself cutting myself off, very strange. You're not alone.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Sounds like a very screwed up family your dp has. It’s a shame you didn’t back him up on the no sugar no visits thing. You need to work as a team otherwise it’s divide and conquer. We aren’t blessed on either side with grandparents or aunt/uncle (my brother and sil).

[gogglepod]

My partner is happy to have nothing to do with them but I’ve always been close to my family and naively thought I could have the same with his family. Accepting good with bad. My dd loved seeing them (having constant presents) I’ve had to bite my tongue on many occasions as even when talking about my profession she knows more than me but never felt the argument was worth it.
She’s always slated my partner, yes he was a difficult child but he’s now successful and settled with family but still slates him. Life does seem a lot more relaxed without them. Apparently he was jealous of mil and sil relationship!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It sounds as if there may be a narcissistic dynamic going on in his family. Your dp being the scapegoat and your sil the golden child. I am a scapegoat child.

You really should be totally supporting your dp. It sounds as if he’s making far more healthy choices with his family than you are prepared to do.

Be thankful for the great family you have on your side and stop worrying about what you can’t control. You say life is more relaxed without them. Why would you put your child through all this shit and drama if you could avoid it?

[gogglepod]

Yes he’s defo not the golden child. He’s warned me from day one but has always felt his duty to pick up the pieces but he’s a lot more relaxed maybe now he feels no responsibility to the disfuntional pair. He did find it hard I think when my family helped him out when starting up a business and his mum was just like oh it’ll not last. He’s had to deal with her longer than me I suppose but his sister defo enjoys playing the victim in every senario (my partner ruined her childhood) he moved out pretty sharpish. Me and my brother fought like cat and dog to the point of blood shed lol but we laugh about it now but she’s still going on about it! She’s 39!

[Boulshired]

I do think if you threaten to stop contact you have to accept the decision. I would find it difficult if someone gave me an ultimatum not to walk away.

[gogglepod]

my partner said this in anger and i tried rectifying it but yes i accept they feel upset. i've gone out of the way with damage limitation. i wasnt present at the arguement. i feel they are being stubborn so they can do the 'they wont let us see them speech' but its actually their choice now. my partner wants nothing to do with them and i was prepared to do the running about so they didnt have to see each other.
i personally would hate to be in their position but i feel i've done everything possible to help save their relationship with my children/her only grandchildren.
i'm happy knowing i've given them choices but still stick by i don't want her constantly buying toys and giving sweets/pop.