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AIBU?

Christmas, newborn, MIL...

58 replies

gilson · 10/11/2017 21:57

A very boring Christmas + newborn one! I'm getting upset, in my current hormonal state. I'll try to keep it short.

I am due to have DC4 mid-December. DCs1 to 3 are all under 6 ( I know...). For the last few Christmases we have alternated except last year we spent what should have been my parents' turn with my PILs as last year we moved 'away' (= from around the corner from them to 45 minutes away) and, at my suggestion, I felt MIL would like us there and would like the gesture of an extra year with her at Christmas. I don't know if she ever realised this but felt we should offer and we did it. Have always done what she would like and put her first.

Christmas is a big deal for my MIL in that she has never worked but always cooked and hosted and comes from a Mediterranean culture that places great importance on family get-togethers and on top of which is very anxious about family harmony (not for any factual reason, she just dreads things not being harmonious and her biggest fear, self-confessed, is that her children or family won't see each other once she is dead... she is only 69).

So in my opinion for all of these reasons any kind of home hosting situation takes on a hugely disproportionate importance to her.
That sounds mean but don't know how else to put it.

She has even referred to Christmas Day and Boxing Day as "my day": when some rare tension emerged a couple of years ago over something tiny she said "don't ruin my day"...

So this year it is definitely my parents' 'turn'. They live near us. My MIL gets that it is their turn. But wants us to visit her at her house "within the few days" after Christmas so that her brother and his family (3 sons in their 20s, all still living at home) can meet the baby.
And so that she can cook big meal etc. I've suggested they come to us, 45 minutes away. I've been told "but you know they don't like to leave XXXXXX (sleepy suburb of Hertfordshire/north London)". I know this is true. They are all lively professionals but in many ways quite insular. They too come from a particular background with regard to family and so forth. I have to say I don't even think the sons would care, it is all projection from my MIL because she is so desperately worried about causing offence, always and at every turn.

So... they won't leave but I am expected to? Dragging three young children, newborn and that's even if I am not sore/having other postnatal issues etc etc.

The problem too that she won't let my FIL drive - he has been diagnosed with mild memory loss and is still allowed to drive but she won't let him - yet does not like driving herself (hates motorways). So all of this makes it difficult for them to come to see us. They could afford a taxi ten times over but won't take one.

The only thing that is making me ask this question and hesitate about whether IABU is that she is on ongoing treatment that gives her pain and fatigue and I do understand that it makes her more tired than usual, I really do.

The funny thing is that several of my friends think I should be much more My Way or the Highway and not even let people visit us much but I am not even considering that! I do want to keep her happy but need to put myself and my baby/family first this time.

(My parents on the other hand while definitely not perfect are completely cool about Christmas and wouldn't even mind if we said we were off to cocktail in the Caribbean (if only!) and weren't seeing them until January.)

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Ttbb · 10/11/2017 22:02

I think that given how young the baby it is won't hurt them to make the very short trip for once.