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should I get involved?

(58 Posts)
purpleangel17 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:36:36

My younger DD is an immature 8yo with some autistic traits. Her best friend at school is into horror and ghost stories and keeps telling her ghost stories and urban legends. It is literally two or three a day and my DD always comes home anxious about them and needs me to reassure her they aren't real. Every night I am spending extra time settling her and she is genuinely scared that Bloody Mary or the Girl with the Slit Mouth or whatever is going to appear out of the shadows and attack her! We are Christian and I have always taught her there is no such thing as ghosts and if anything ever scares her praying will help. So I pray with her and she does calm down but it is every night! WIBU to raise it with the teacher or other child's mum and ask her to tone it down?

2014newme Fri 10-Nov-17 13:41:10

Yes speak to teacher.

Fruitcorner123 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:43:06

If you kniw the othwr mum well speak to her if not tell teacher. I would also encourage DD to tell her friend that she doesn't like the stories and wants to play/talk about something else.

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 10-Nov-17 13:43:12

We are Christian and I have always taught her there is no such thing as ghosts and if anything ever scares her praying will help.

Bit of a mixed message there, is there?

By autistic traits, is there an official diagnosis? Does she have a Sen support worker who can keep an eye on things? Otherwise I'd just have a word with her teacher.

purpleangel17 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:47:56

No official diagnosis as by and large she manages well but school are aware and teacher/class TA very good with her.

I don't think it's a mixed message at all, I am telling her praying can help her feel less anxious. My own actual thoughts and feelings about those kinds of stories are much more nuanced but she is too young for me to go in to that so I tell her the stories aren't real but praying can make the anxiety go away.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Fri 10-Nov-17 13:49:53

O/T if there are no such thing as ghosts, why do the mainstream churches have exorcism experts?

Ttbb Fri 10-Nov-17 13:51:34

I would talk to the other girl's mother. Just try to be non-confrontational and just make it clear that you don't blame her DD but you need it to stop.

purpleangel17 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:54:51

Because most churches believe that very rarely and very occasionally a spirit can possess a person or cause trouble.

A spirit and a ghost are not the same thing though.

Mittens1969 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:57:03

I would also say, speak to her friend’s mum, you presumably do get to speak to her when arranging play dates? It would be easiest all round if you could ask her not to tell these ghost stories to your DD. I’m sure she’ll understand as she does know your DD?

My older DD is also an immature 8 year old, in her case with Attachment Disorder as a result of being adopted. We’re also Christian and teach our DDs to pray about anything that worries them.

Runlovingmummy81 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:57:09$ja=tsid:59156|cid:189934165|agid:18091992925|tid:aud-180466976485:pla-370396582528|crid:77627767525|nw:g|rnd:2286024399051201060|dvc:m|adp:1o2|mt:|loc:9041125&gclid=Cj0KCQiAuZXQBRDKARIsAMwpUeRqfkkwCDKpsWfas3FzDPwsh9Im_ZCC7heXDzPiHEsjILwS1s2F8B0aAr_BEALw_wcB

My friend brought her daughter one of these. Would that help?

PhilODox Fri 10-Nov-17 13:57:46

Does your branch of Christianity not have the Holy Ghost/Spirit?

Definitely speak to class teacher, it's not ok for your DD to be constantly scared by her friend. Don't approach the other parent, not ok to do that. What happens in school needs to be dealt with by school.

purpleangel17 Fri 10-Nov-17 14:01:19

I call it the Holy Spirit but yes I believe in spirits but not ghosts in the sense of a dead person haunting somewhere.

The stories are clearly untrue so I tell my daughter so.

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 10-Nov-17 14:05:06

The stories are clearly untrue so I tell my daughter so.

Well same can be said about religion and their stories, this other little girl obviously has her own beliefs. However, what stories you wish your child to believe is up to you (though personally telling me as a child some beardy bloke up high was watching my every move wasn't a pleasant excuse), it's unfair for her to be frightened by fairytales. Speak to the teacher. Are you in the process of a diagnosis with your daughter?

Littlecaf Fri 10-Nov-17 14:06:21

Children get scared of ghost stories, but telling another child parent is a bit OTT, can’t your DD say to her friend she doesn’t like it and to stop. I also think telling the teacher is OTT to, teachers are there to teach not to stop ghost stories. If it continues after she has asked her to stop maybe then involve parents/teachers.

Each to their own with religion but praying to something which doesn’t exist maybe makes the ghost stories seem more real? That to me would reinforce the idea that things you can’t see are real.

Armadillostoes Fri 10-Nov-17 14:10:31

This isn't on. The OP has asked for help and people have jumped up to be snide about her religious choices.

Exorcism actually is directed at demons rather than ghosts, and the Holy Spirit isn't a ghost in the sense of being an undead human. But regardless, basically a tracking the OP for her religion says more about the prejudice of the posters than it does the OP. Why not address the actual problem?

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Fri 10-Nov-17 14:11:40

I dont really think bashing the OPS religion is of any use on this thread and it's utterly irrelevant to the situation anyway. As is applying the ‘autistic traits’ label to a person who isn’t diagnosed, again it’s irrelevant.

Back to the thread

WIBU to raise it with the teacher or other child's mum and ask her to tone it down?

If it is occurring in school then it is a school problem, I’m harsh enough to raise it as bullying - the other child knows your daughter is distressed and continues. That is bullying behaviour.

Armadillostoes Fri 10-Nov-17 14:12:50

OP you can't police the conversations which your DD gets into, why not just keep reenforcing the idea that these things are not real and cannot hurt her.

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 10-Nov-17 14:14:40

Armadillostoes religious choices are relevant here, especially if the child has/will be diagnosed with ASD. Understanding of the 'supernatural' is confusing enough for poor kids, but it may be even more so for someone with autism being told 'no that thing is made up, pray to this other totally unseen/unproven entity will make it better'. It may well be making the situation worse, if the child is already getting anxious about these things.

Oddmanout Fri 10-Nov-17 14:21:04

I agree with Edmund - telling the OP's child that some ghosts/spirits are real and some aren't will be very confusing for her in the circumstances.

I personally would stick with its all imaginary so can't hurt her rather than clouding the issue. Of course mention it to the teacher or the girl's mother if you want but there are no guarantees it will stop the stories.

purpleangel17 Fri 10-Nov-17 14:23:29

Praying calms her down. I was not brought up in any religion and my parents told me ghosts etc weren't real. It didn't calm me down and didn't help when I was scared at night. Praying does help her and whether you believe as I do that it helps because God calms her or you believe it is purely psychological, it helps. I am quite sure I am not making it worse.

ginnybag Fri 10-Nov-17 14:24:40

I'm seriously not into organised religion, but I agree - the PO didn't ask for comments on her choice of faith.

My only remark on that would be - OP, does your DD find praying comforting? I ask because it might be the repetition of the ritual and your presence that's working rather than the actual faith aspect. If so, that could open up lots of others tools for her to use to combat anxiety later.

On the subject of the stories - do you know the other parent? I think it would be genuinely better for you to speak to the other parent rather than getting the school involved. The other child isn't doing anything wrong, and it isn't a subject being taught in school. I'm not sure I would trust it not to get all turned into something it isn't if the school get in the middle of it.

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 10-Nov-17 14:26:54

Praying does help her and whether you believe as I do that it helps because God calms her or you believe it is purely psychological

Well it's certainly a psychological conditioning rather than the former. My point more is, if and when she starts questioning that (all most do), if she's already anxious about stories, it's not unreasonable to imagine other stories of the unseen could have a similar effect later on as they work on the mind. It may only be a temporary placebo.

Are you getting a diagnosis for her?

purpleangel17 Fri 10-Nov-17 14:27:05

And I don't tell her any spirits are real. All she knows and needs to know about my religious beliefs for now is that God is a loving being who is all powerful and will help her if she asks. She can get into the detailed theology later if she so wishes or she can go her own way.

FizzyWaterAndElderflower Fri 10-Nov-17 14:27:48

My eldest is a bit sensitive - I've taught him that if someone's doing something like this, he needs to hold up his hand and say loudly and firmly to 'STOP' and that he's completely entitled to remove himself from a situation that's making him uncomfortable, and to tell the teacher if someone doesn't stop when asked.

Can you do that? DS1 is an over-thinker, so I've had to have lots of intense conversations about things like that.

EdmundCleverClogs Fri 10-Nov-17 14:30:42

God is a loving being who is all powerful and will help her if she asks.

Putting aside the ins and outs of religion - if your daughter is autistic and takes things more seriously/literally than her peers, do you honestly think that is best phrase to use?

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