Would this piss you off if you’re DH did this?

[DingleBerries]

I’m having a shit time with my mental health but I’m being proactive about it.
I’m also very aware that I can be a snappy arsehole because of it, or because I’m stressed of taking on 96396 things.

Over a year ago my husband inherited a house. Which is bloody amazing. Seriously amazing actually.

The deeds aren’t ours yet. A few things have gone through, probate and stuff but it’s still not finalised.

But recently (the last few months) changes have happened and he hasn’t been telling me.

For example, the solicitor gave him the keys to the property. This is a big deal, it means progress!
He didn’t tell me, he told my dad at a family gathering and I was surprised and it was clear I had no idea. I felt really stupid because of that. Apparently he had been given them ‘the week before’.

He only tells me of ‘progress’ if I ask about it

Recently a relative of the persons estate has decided they don’t like the outcome of the late persons estate and wants to contest it. That’s fine.
Tonight in passing I ask DH about it and he says ‘yeah the relative has got their solicitor involved.’ And ‘it could take another year.’

I was pissed off because he neve bloody tells me any of this (unless prompted) and whenever I ask him why he didn’t tell me he says he ‘only found out last week’

He says why would he tell me, it changes nothing.

He cannot see and makes no attempt to see things from my point of view that not only am I being kept out of the loop, that yes it does change things.
It changes mine and our children’s future.
We were told we would have the house by last Christmas (which is laughable now I think about it!) to Now the relative is contesting it could add on a year or however much time it doesn’t really matter.

Would you be pissed off if your DH kept you out the loop and continued to do so?

I feel like I’m not part of it and have no idea how mine and my children’s future looks and he doesn’t and will try to understand this.

As I said, I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment so if I’m in the wrong then I will take this on board.

[Jasminedes]

Is your relationship sound, or could he be being cagey for a reason? Is he forgetting to tell you about other normal things, shutting you out a bit, or is it just about the house? It does sound like stuff he should tell you.

[BackforGood]

No, you are not wrong. YANBU. In a partnership, people talk. This affects you all, as a family. Of course you should discuss significant steps.
Do you have a time each day when you talk to each other ? Meal time for example ?

[Themummy76]

It’s hard to tell without knowing the context of your relationship and why you are under stress atm. How are things otherwise with him? Could he be trying to lighten your load by not burdening you with problems when he knows you are already stressed?

[DingleBerries]

Not it’s ok, and definitely isn’t cagey for a reason. I guess he might just be forgetting to tell me, yes.

But that in itself is annoying. It’s such an important thing, it’s our future and he’s not getting it at all.

Rather than say ‘Ok I will kept you informed in future’ he just denies he’s done anything wrong, tries turning it round on me, or minimalises it.

Which is why I need perspective. If it’s me just like he says it’s is.
It could be possible.

[Changerofname987654321]

It all depends on his motive for not telling you. Have you asked why?

You have said you are already stressed. He could be trying to shield you from more stress.

[TheQueenOfWands]

I imagine he doesn't want to stress you out with the mind-numbing tediousness of it all.

You've said you're stressed and your mental health is poor. I expect he's shielding you from it all.

[DingleBerries]

The last week has been beyond horrendous.
I’ve got a ton of stuff on. I’ve taken it out on him, and I’m juggling way way too much stuff.
But that’s after this week. And for whatever reasons this week was going to be hard for me.

He tried to pull the ‘but you’ve been so stressed’ stuff. But he got told last week about it when he had no ideas about my stressors this week.

And also his first 938 excuses were ‘but it doesn’t change anything’

[Fishface77]

Was your marriage ok before he inherited the house?
I wonder if he wants out and is trying to be clever with the house.
Find paperwork, look into Things properly, check the land registry. He could have it in his name and be trying to sell it and keep the money.

[Ttbb]

He may not be telling because he is really tired and forgets. He may may not be telling you because it is stressing him out. He may not be telling you because he is worried about stressing you out. Have you told him how you feel (baring in mind that some men need to be told a simple piece of information 15 times before they actually hear it)?

[DingleBerries]

fishface we got married 4 weeks after we inherited the house. I’d consider our marriage very good, like I said though this week has been very unpleasant. My stress, my doing. Or rather I’m doing everything.
It’s just bad luck that it falls on to me. Another thread for this perhaps

Ttb do you know what? Knowing DH, I think it could be one of the reasons your put. That sounds much more like him.

Does that mean I don’t have the right to be annoyed?
If that’s so then that’s fine. I’m struggling to channel stuff right now.

[IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday]

I think he should be telling you as soon as he finds things out, especially getting the keys.

How can you “forget” to tell your wife that you have keys to another house?

[Gemini69]

is he trying to ... discreetly move in.. without you guys

[Themummy76]

Hmm well if you married after then technically you didn’t inherit it at all - your oh did and then brought it to the marriage as an asset

[DingleBerries]

Ok drip feed here about the keys - sorry.
He always had the keys because of his relationship to the person who he inherited from.
However he didn’t use them after the person passed because he wasn’t legally allowed.

So he was then legally allowed to but he didn’t tell me. I saw this as progress/change and he didn’t tell me.
I let that go of course, but it’s this next thing that he has hasn’t told me about.
Or indeed any information unless I’m the one to bring it up

[lunabear1]

My husband thinks he's told me stuff then is surprised when i go 'uhm were you going to tell me that at any point?'. We both work full time and often some things slip through the cracks when we're unloading our day onto each other! maybe ask whoever is dealing with the estate to send emails you're both included in?

[DingleBerries]

TheMummy As I said throughout, DH inherited the property.

I didn’t say that I did at any point.

I’d like to think that being a family means we live in it together or sell it together. Or make decisions about it together.

If this is wrong the please tell me. This isn’t a position I’ve ever been in before.

[DingleBerries]

Lunabear we both do this too. And I reallt understand your point. But this feels to big to forget. Do you think I should just put this under that umbrella? It seems minor to him (so, easy to forget?) but big to me (how could he forget!).

[supersop60]

Ask him. BUT don't say "Why didn't you tell me?" instead say "What is your reason for not telling me?"
That takes the emotion/accusation/drama out of the question, and hopefully get an answer you can deal with.

[MammaTJ]

I am a lot like your DH, in that I do not discuss things with DP, even if they are tremendously worrying, if he can add nothing to help. He tends to panic, rather than deal with things, which is not helpful. I would rather deal with things, then maybe tell him when it is done.

I had this happen recently, I can remember the gut wrenching worry, can remember being determined he should not find out, then I dealt with it. So much so, I cannot even remember what it was exactly.

Do you fret and worry, then worry him?

[Dozer]

You sound really anxious, which could be affecting your reactions.

It’s not OK to take your stress out on DH. Nor is it OK if you are “doing it all” and he’s not pulling his weight.

Does DH perhaps want to deal with it and make decisions about handling it by himself, but not want to tell you?

[LadyLapsang]

"Over a year ago my husband inherited a house. Which is bloody amazing. Seriously amazing actually." Actually it's unlikely your DH inherited the house without being bereaved, so he might not be too happy with your attitude on the matter.

[MiniTheMinx]

It depends wholly on whether it is a single issue or whether there are other issues he prefers not to tell you. If it's just this one thing then I would suggest he is purposely trying not to allow your involvement. If that is the case, then you need to ask why that is. My feeling is that the more he hides information from you on this, the more obsessed you will seem about it, the more focussed on this issue you become, the more reason he will feel justified in hiding information from you. His original feeling is greed, protection, fear, fear that he has to share with you. And the more you push, the more he could become convinced you are grabby. Because he thinks you are grabby. The more control you try to exert the more he will hide stuff.

My advice would be stop taking out your stress on him because otherwise you serve to make him feel justified in trying to keep you out of the loop.

[DingleBerries]

I’m not in the least bit anxious.

Pissed off yes. But not anxious.

And any progress that I’ve talked off has happened before the DingleBerries Pissed Off Week happened.

Nonetheless, I’ve posted on AIBU and not one of you has said I’m not BU.

Therefore I was probably giving DH more grief that he deserved.

I just hate the fact that our future changes and he doesn’t feel the need to tell me.

But I’m tired. I give up.

[MiniTheMinx]

Oh, and what LadyLapsang said too.

[DingleBerries]

@Ladylapsang

My DH was indeed bereaved. What are you insinuating exactly?