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What the actual hell???

(104 Posts)
YouDidNotJustSayThat Thu 09-Nov-17 20:26:39

DS has a bully. No, not DS. DS's entire class has a bully. No SN just encouraged by parents to be a thug (I can explain further if needed). Mum is a teacher and friends with the school staff (small village). Half the class are having to go in and speak to the head about him choking, hitting, punching and snatching things off their kids on a regular basis.

Today was my turn to go and make a formal complaint. I can't take my DS coming home marked or bleeding with no explanation from the school anymore.

So here's a part of the conversation:

Me: My son is giving me an almost daily report on how "Bob" has hurt him that day. It's really getting beyond a joke. Obviously I ask "Did the teacher see?" "Did you tell the teacher?" "What did she say" and the reply is always, "Mum she just told me to stay away from Bob" This needs sorting! Last week he had four bleeding finger nail marks in his hand because he wouldn't give up something he had.

Head Teacher: Hmm. Well I think we need to address this. I think our first course of action should be to discourage discussing this every day. It's clearly being made an issue you bringing it up....

Me: (confused) Sorry? DS needs to stop telling me about him getting hit?

HT: Essentially, yes. it's probably better to talk about other things and allow him to volunteer information if he feels he really has to. Having a daily discussion is making this into a bigger thing.

Me: Sorry you're misunderstanding. I don't ASK my son, he tells me straight away. And my son isn't making it up for a story!

HT: At this age play can get rather rough between boys.....

Me: Running across a classroom and pummelling a child in the head so he needs an ice pack is not playing. This isn't mutual rough play! It's happening all the time and I KNOW teachers know about it cos my older two often get involved and go tell teachers for my son and his friends. Nothing's being done!!!

HT: I'll speak to the boys. It's likely the teacher is unaware. Ask your DS to let me know if things happen and we'll look into it.

At this point I pretty much had to leave, dragging my jaw on the floor.

So the solution to my son being bullied is to change the subject and stopping him from telling me?

I'm going to give it a few days and if nothing changes, what's my next step? I have been running the entire conversation through my head since 9am wondering how I have misunderstood or misheard but that was pretty much word for word what she said.

Could that be interpreted a different way?

catboygeckoandowlett Thu 09-Nov-17 20:29:08

Contact the school governors

Msqueen33 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:30:42

Formal complaint! Go to the governors! School have a duty of care towards your child.

MissionItsPossible Thu 09-Nov-17 20:31:35

Sorry I have no advice but that sounds appalling. Is the teacher mother of the bully the teacher of the class including your son and the bully? The only thing I could suggest (I don't have children or know if this is legal) is that it's a conflict of interest? (My legal knowledge is from watching TV based on the subject so I don't know anything really). Could you ask he moves classes? That headteacher sounds useless. If you are friendly or even acquaintances with parents who are also having the same problem, could you go in collectively to show it is serious? I'd be furious and want that head teacher disciplined for minimalising such horrible bullying. How old are the children?

abbsisspartacus Thu 09-Nov-17 20:32:00

Arrange a group meeting with the head?

Hoplittlerabbit Thu 09-Nov-17 20:33:13

If nothing changes put it in writing, they have to log all letters and written complaints.
On most school websites they have a copy of their safe guarding and anti-bullying policies. I would paraphrase these and point out how they aren’t upholding them and protecting your child.
Also send a copy to the board of governors and I would also suggest this to the parent of any other child who is suffering at Bob’s hands. Be careful not to be public about it though as you want to be taken seriously and not be accused of creating a witch hunt.
How is the child? I’m assuming primary school age? If he’s over 10 I would contact the police and say your son has been assaulted.
And if all else fails I would go to the local press with a story about how violent pupils are allowed to run amock at the school and how their anti-bullying and safe guarding protocol is failing.

mustbemad17 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:33:24

Get a copy of the anti bullying picy. Sit down, highlight any & all areas your DS is being let down, then put in writing that you are disgusted. The school is going against the policy on x y & z, your DS is not being safeguarded against what is essential assault - sounds pathetic but i found words like safeguard, assault etc worked a charm. Tell them you want to know what they intend to do about it - your son 'ignoring' the issue or not telling you is not an option. Give them a time limit; then tell them if no acceptable response in that time you will be getting the governers & OfSTED involved.

If you can get other parents to do the same in writing it will help

Hoplittlerabbit Thu 09-Nov-17 20:34:19

And as a last resort I’d confront his mother, burn their house down and kill their family pet... but that’s just me grin no body hurts my children without repercussions

Arion Thu 09-Nov-17 20:34:26

Complain to governors, if no joy take it to Ofsted and/or local authority.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 09-Nov-17 20:34:44

Go to the governors. Use words like safeguarding, duty of care, secure environment for learning.

The school website will have information about the complaints procedure. Follow it carefully.

You can call the police too about the violence.

Candlelight234 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:34:46

Ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy and then go back to head & governors highlighting where they are not meeting their policy. It's completely unacceptable OP.

CoraPirbright Thu 09-Nov-17 20:34:58

Have the other mothers who have complained been similarly fobbed off? The HT sounds like an absolute disgrace. Band together with the other mothers and make a formal complaint to the governors.

lookatyourwatchnow Thu 09-Nov-17 20:37:00

That is awful. Batter his mum

Willow2017 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:38:13

Contact the other patents and all arrange a meeting with head. This happened at our local school and nothing was done until parents got together and they all threatened to take thier kids out of school.
The kids were being hurt on an almost daily basis until they all rebeled and demanded something wad done.
Its absolutely ridiculous to suggest your son isnt allowed to discuss being attacked with you.

YouDidNotJustSayThat Thu 09-Nov-17 20:39:19

To clarify the mum is an ex member of staff and a local. Good friends with many of the staff (nights out etc). I can't think of any other reason there doesn't seem to be a single thing being done about it. I could be wrong but if something is happening, it's not effing well working.

ChasedByBees Thu 09-Nov-17 20:42:35

That's ridiculous. Go to the governors as a first action.

YouDidNotJustSayThat Thu 09-Nov-17 20:43:24

@Hoplittlerabbit and @lookatyourwatchnow I love your way of thinking.
She could do with a good hiding.
I once saw her lift a child off a toy in playgroup and hand it to her son.

Yeah. That happened. And the parent was so shocked she didn't say a thing, just comforted her crying child.

BewareOfDragons Thu 09-Nov-17 20:44:30

Put it in writing. cc the governors. Be very specific and detailed. Include your (pointless) conversation with the Head and what the Head said. Demand an answer in writing as to how they're proposing to actual deal with the problem.

You need a paper trail at this point. Encourage the other parents whose children are being hurt to do the same.

user1471596238 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:46:39

Willow2017 is absolutely right. Ideally the parents need to group together and arrange a meeting with the head. Strength in numbers and all that. The situation sounds unacceptable.

SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 09-Nov-17 20:46:57

Go to the governors. Sadly, this sort of thing happens far more than it should. My friend has pulled her son out of school recently because (amongst other things) he was being bullied by the popular children (parents are staff / governors and very pally with the headteacher). As a PP suggested, you may have more power if you tackle the issue as a group - doesn't look good if several children leave the school at the same time citing failure to tackle bullying as a reason.

TwentyChews Thu 09-Nov-17 20:47:21

Email the head this evening eitha summary of the conversation and the things the head said they would do.

For one thing this starts a paper trail which the head is far, far less able to ignore/minimise/brush under the carpet.

Also they may see how totally bonkers their comments were when written in black and white.

Ask for confirmation that the summary is a true reflection of what was discussed. Push for a response (though Heads are busy so do leave it a couple of days) and push for a follow up in a week or two.

Hoplittlerabbit Thu 09-Nov-17 20:53:04

Has anyone seen the film The Hand That Rocks The Cradle? I love the scene where the psycho nanny confronts the little shit who’s bullying the boy and she waits until no one is around then twists his arm behind his back and threatens to break it if he goes near the kid again grin That would be my game plan. Just make sure there’s no adults/CCTV

Gizmo79 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:54:25

How appalling. Your poor son, and all the other children who are victims of this entitled child. I completely agree with previous posters, document and use the safeguarding word to the governors.

Viviennemary Thu 09-Nov-17 20:55:15

Put it in writing. Headteacher first . If nothing done letter to Governors. Still nothing done letter to local authority. Copy to teacher and Head. Or call parents meeting to discuss bullying. Good idea to ask for copy of anti bullying policy. And ask for what action is going to be taken to be put in writing. This cronyism between staff and parents is a total menace in schools these days.

YouDidNotJustSayThat Thu 09-Nov-17 20:56:12

Thanks all. I'm going to look into how to contact the governors. I don't know if the school has a website.
As I said, I will leave it for a few days. If things change, great. I'm happy with that. If not, I will be making a formal complaint every damned time it happens as well as keeping a written record. All this will be sent over the head's head.

I really, truly don't want to have a "witch hunt" against a child but I can't deny there is a group of at least 11 hacked off mums who are sick of this. It wouldn't be difficult to get a group complaint together but I think it should be done on a case by case basis. Let them complain about specific incidents.

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