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To feel that there is no way out?

(6 Posts)
sancerrelyconfused Thu 09-Nov-17 19:46:04

I'm a first time poster, please be gentle with me if you feel this warrants a response - I'm really low right now. I"m trying to work out if I have made a series of life mistakes that I cannot fix. I married my husband (a kind man) young, and he is now completely uninterested in me. We"ve had sex once since my two year old was born - hardly anything after the slightly older child was born too. He doesn"t like to socialise and I"ve done all the work trying to set up some kind of community and friendship for me and the kids - initially for him too, but he is just too stressed at work to care. This has been the case for several years now. I agreed to move to a foreign country with him, where we"ve now lived for several years. Before we moved, I had a decent job with career prospects in the UK. In the country we live in, everything is dependent on his visa, including mine and my two young childrens information, documentation and bank information and access. Life here has not been easy since the children were born and he does not share information about the budgeting and financial planning with me - I"ve tried many times to have this conversation but we are very limited with time and have two very young children who are very active and demanding of our time. I also now think he genuinely doesn"t know how to budget and plan - although here he takes on that role much more since I don"t have access to anything. There have recently been a series of financial mistakes that he didnt consult me on - setting up a crappy retirement fund with a dodgy company which we"ve recently exited and lost money over. Over the last few years of the children I"ve been depressed and struggling, but I have been working part time around nursery in an unpredictable role. I do it to try and maintain some sense of self, something on the CV for the future, and of course for the income, although the work is not regular. Times are tough, layoffs all over the place for him although he has managed to hang on to his job. We want to move home or elsewhere but it is all dependent on him finding a job. Before we moved here, I was the kind of person who would have said, I"ll find a job elsewhere, I can move us home. I did this at the beginning of our marriage and supported us until he found his feet. Realistically now, I don"t think Id be hired - could try to start work again in the UK in my old field or retrain somewhere new but Ive been freelance and part time with scanty work here for so long I dont think Im in the position to move us anywhere. I think if I felt the relationship was good I would be in a better place, but I am desperately lonely and shocked to find us in this position. Am I being unreasonable to think that I have made a series of poor choices that I can't fix alone?

sancerrelyconfused Thu 09-Nov-17 19:49:56

Whoops! Much too long.

kitkatsky Fri 10-Nov-17 17:59:22

I’m sorry to read this. It all sounds terribly tough. I think your self confidence and self esteem is low as a result of everything that’s been happening. Plenty of people have far less work experience than you and manage to find work- I think you’re worrying unnecessarily about that side of things. BUT life is incredibly hard with small kids if everything else is going well. Make time to talk to your partner first- maybe he’s not aware how bad things have been for you?

sancerrelyconfused Sat 11-Nov-17 22:27:32

Thanks for listening, kitkatsky. I hope you’re right about work - confidence comes from doing so maybe if I can go full time again at something decent my confidence will return. I try to find time for these conversations with partner but I don’t think he fully gets it - his experience here has been so different. I am walking around holding my breath - some days I feel I will combust, others that I hardly exist in amongst the nose wiping, night waking, cajoling, fake smiling, best foot forward, fake it till you make it merry-go-round that life seems to have become. I’m probably feeling unreasonably sorry for myself, but sometimes you just have to tell someone, you know?

kitkatsky Wed 15-Nov-17 20:11:26

Of course. Completely understand. Being a mum with young kids isolating enough in a country with life long friends, family and speaking the language. Be kind to yourself and know it’s not hopeless x

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Wed 15-Nov-17 20:17:32

I don’t blame you at all for feeling this way. It sounds an isolating situation to be in. It sounds like your dh’s Working life has also been stressful which may account for some of your relationship problems. I know I am not the best to be around when v stressed at work. It can cloud out other things.
Would agree you need to talk to him. Your joint life is not working for you and you are entitled to air that, and have him help you look for solutions.

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