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Advise please

(78 Posts)
Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 13:39:31

I have been in a relationship with a full time single dad for over three months now (kids' mum passed away more than two years ago). He's a very nice man and I don't want to loose him but it is getting harder & harder everyday. We got together during the summer holidays when the kids had one week away at grandma's in France. He had hoped to get an au pair so we could spend more time together getting to know each other but that plan fell through as he failed to get one. He has tried to get a child minder but that hasn't worked either. The kids are 11 years old and making 12 this month (twins). Dad finishes work early and rushes home so they feel that there's no need for an au pair or child minder. We tried sneaking around & almost got caught so we put that on hold. Right now, we are struggling meeting up and this is really weighing him down, he's sad & frustrated that we can't see each other (he told me that). I have tried to tell him not to get too frustrated, that things will get better but that doesn't seem to help, says he doesn't see an end in sight. He has no help whatsoever so everything is on him. He tried to get kids on sleep overs during half term but that didn't work. This week, we tried lunch but the situation is so frustrating at the moment, we can't meet, he can't see his friends (generally no social life) and because of that, he has started withdrawing. I know he's very busy but we used to chat on a daily basis, now I message him and he doesn't message back or takes days to message back. I did say perhaps we give up and leave this dating alone but he has said he doesn't want to give up because he found a wonderful woman, but I feel like he is shutting me out, I feel communication is what has kept us going and strong, with that getting less and less, it's affecting me and feel like letting this relationship go.


BasicallyBiscuit Thu 09-Nov-17 13:56:13

Always trust a man's actions.

Words mean absolutely nothing.

He doesn't seem to be making an effort to make time for you, and quite rightly his children are his priority.

I would advise minimising the contact you initiate with him. If he contacts you, great, if not you have your answer.

it's really difficult when you meet someone great but it doesn't work. This situation sounds stressful and i don't think it will improve.

Look after yourself OP

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 14:51:34

BasicallyBiscuit, he has tried all sorts to make time for us to be together but having no family to help with the kids or childminder has practically made it impossible. Kids are his priority and I appreciate that but he get away Monday to Sunday. He works full time Monday to Friday and activities on Saturday and Sunday.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Thu 09-Nov-17 14:53:27

My 10+12 year old are asleep by 9. Can he not cook supper a few times a week?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 09-Nov-17 14:55:21

Hire a babysitter and go out every week - it’s only going to cost about £30

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 14:57:19


He can and does that but if he's to go out then that means the kids are all on their own until he comes home which could be late and he doesn't want that. We tried sneaking around but then the daughter uses dad's told in the night so that wasn't great cos we didn't want her finding out that way

MissConductUS Thu 09-Nov-17 14:57:32

Can he not find a childminder so that you can have an occasional date?

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 14:59:13

Just bookedasummerholiday

Meant "toilet" not "told"

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 15:02:56


He tried to get one but that hasn't worked out yet as she also is still undecided and kids say they don't need a childminder cos they aren't kids anymore. So suggested he talks to the kids abt him dating again then maybe they can understand why they need a childminder. The son isn't bothered abt him dating again but the daughter said NO and wasn't happy.

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 15:05:18


He tried getting a childminder but she is still undecided abt working for them and kids aren't keen on having a childminder.

CaeDyGeg Thu 09-Nov-17 15:05:28

I'm sorry but I don't understand the need to sneak around at all. I understand that situation is a delicate one but he needs to just be honest with his children and invite you around in the evenings.

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 15:09:06


We were sneaking around as that was the only option available to continue seeing each other. We had wanted to get to know each other first before meeting the kids.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 09-Nov-17 15:11:36

I didn’t suggest a childminder - that’s a babysitters site so you can date like a normal couple. It’s perfectly normal to have babysitters confused so he can go out with his mates or you to the pub

He doesn’t have to tell them he’s dating, he can just say he’s off to play darts

SilverSpot Thu 09-Nov-17 15:12:21

I don't understand why he can't hire a babysitter so you can meet out for dinner

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 15:26:24


He tried hiring a childminder but she hasn't decided whether to work for them or not. And kids apparently aren't keen on having a childminder. He will need to find another childminder but in the meantime, we can't meet up. He used to rely on au pairs but failed to get one this year. Perhaps needs to man up a little bit.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Thu 09-Nov-17 15:26:44

Sorry op but if he wanted to take things further he would find a way.

GrockleBocs Thu 09-Nov-17 15:31:27

Most childminders are geared up for primary age children during the day and early evening.
He needs a baby sitter as Laurie linked for occasional evenings out. A local student or registered sitter is going to cover evenings.

Blessed81 Thu 09-Nov-17 15:31:39


He has tried getting a babysitter but kids weren't so keen and babysitter too wasn't decided. He tried getting an au pair but failed. Will forward that site so he can try getting a different childminder. Thanks

Ttbb Thu 09-Nov-17 15:32:05

It depends. Is he going to send them to boarding school next year? If not then things won't be getting better.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup Thu 09-Nov-17 15:33:39

My 10+12 year old are asleep by 9.

Pray, what parallel universe is this in?

On a serious note - they never go to friends after school, or on sleep overs, or have any independent social life? They are at secondary school - actually school hours, cant he take a day off now and again?

I'm not believing him, sorry, especially if he is cooling off with the return texts etc already

Justbookedasummmerholiday Thu 09-Nov-17 15:35:48

Dd x 2 always in bed early and asleep early!!
Would like to boast though that ds 3 has been asking to go to bed at 7 since he could talk!!
We love sleep in our house!!

ForagingForFaerieGold Thu 09-Nov-17 15:41:23

The daughter said NO? Shades of things to come. It's certainly ok for her to have an opinion and express her feelings but ultimately it's really not up to her. Even if was, it sounds as if she's not going to accept you and her father knows this and has chosen her. Fair enough but he should be honest with you about it. It sounds as if he's either hoping she might change her mind or is trying to extricate himself from you without a confrontation. But it's pretty clear you will have no future without her approval. Otherwise, he would just tell his kids that this is how it is.

Mollie85 Thu 09-Nov-17 15:44:56

If anyone wants to spend time with someone they will find a way. Excuses aside.

Surely there is more than one babysitter in his area (whilst she’s “deciding” whether she wants the work hmm)

Agree with pp. it’s about actions not words. The time between texts is telling.

Sneaking around is not cool and I think it’s massively disrespectful to the children at their ages.
The daughter may have expressed that she is not pleased, but that’s understandable and as a child she doesn’t get final vote. For the sake of a period of uncomfortableness, he could introduce you to the kids and you could become a regular visitor.

His reluctance to do such would be my first clue...

Actually the babysitter excuse would have been my first clue.

Sorry OP, hope you can resolve everything

Pennypickle Thu 09-Nov-17 15:46:10

I have to agree with pps. If he really wanted to see you he would find a way.

In your shoes I would not initiate any contact with him, even via text messages. Give him time to think on it. If he does decide he needs you in his life you can then lay down some ground rules. Good Luck

WhatwouldAryado Thu 09-Nov-17 15:47:21

Pass a number / website for a sitter company. It's not impossible. He could then have a social life.

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