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To let down my friend quite badly?

(54 Posts)
Notmad Thu 09-Nov-17 05:14:33

I don't know what to do and have a relatively urgent decision to make about this (in the next day or so) and it is ripping me up as it may mean letting down a friend.

I have problems with a man I know - I posted about it yesterday in relationships which helped me clarify what I already knew deep down, that it was not a good situation. It got a little worse again today when I found out that he has started to see someone new (which contributed to his pullback from me, all the while making out like it was in my head) and him making an unkind quip about me being "scarred".

Here's the link:

Thing is - me, this man, this man's brother and another good friend had planned a two day hike this weekend. It was planned some time ago, and my friend - she's going through a really tough time at present and is really looking forward to it.

But the idea of spending two days with this man - Arg! He was quite kind in a couple of conversations today but then there are always a couple of barbs.

But if I pull out, my friend will also feel she has to and will be really let down.


And how the hell to manage this?

Going NC isn't an option either - too many mutual friends.


WrittenandGrown Thu 09-Nov-17 05:26:03

Pull out of that hike and hike in a different area just with your friend?

Notmad Thu 09-Nov-17 05:27:22

I am worried that will create too much drama though?

toomuchtooold Thu 09-Nov-17 05:34:04

Who cares if it creates drama? I read your other thread and this bloke is not nice. The only downside to him discovering that you're actively avoiding him is that it'll probably spark another phase of him trying to win you over again.

OuaisMaisBon Thu 09-Nov-17 05:41:37

WrittenandGrown's solution is simple and elegant - explain to your friend why and I'm sure she'll be happy to go along with you. Then tell the others in the group you've both decided you want some "sisterly" bonding time and are opting out of going with them this time.

Notmad Thu 09-Nov-17 05:43:53

I'm just so sad about it all. I was looking forward to the hike.

He pulled out of something last Sunday without explanation, when I found out about the new girl I asked - just tell me, were you with her on Sunday? He said no, then said

"This is what you're saying notmad: "were you with her, she means more to you than I do, I'm so scarred"

For some reason, having all of my feelings about being let down boiled down to "i'm so scarred" really upset me

NotAgainYoda Thu 09-Nov-17 06:20:50

Simply put: if she's your friend she'll understand

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 09-Nov-17 06:20:51

Protecting your emotional health by distancing yourself from an abuser (and yes, this is emotional abuse which counts) is not creating drama.
You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to enjoy your time off.

cees Thu 09-Nov-17 06:28:46

Are you sure it's not you who wants to go and using your friend as an excuse to be around ex. I would be pissed at my friend if she did the same. Tell her and don't go, if she is your friend then she will be support you on this.

Nquartz Thu 09-Nov-17 06:30:11

If you were my friend & explained why you had to pull out I would not be annoyed at all. As someone else said, if she's a true friend she will understand

Hippadippadation Thu 09-Nov-17 06:30:48

I'd explain the situation to my friend and then arrange something else for just the two of us to do together.

SonicBoomBoom Thu 09-Nov-17 06:33:21

I don't think this is a big deal at all (friend-wise). Your friend will not be annoyed at you for not wanting to go hiking with a guy who's just dumped you and moved on to someone else.

Talk to her, and decide to either not go, or go but not with the two men and just do your own separate thing.

sooperdooper Thu 09-Nov-17 06:34:47

Be honest with your friend and go on a different hike elsewhere with her - I'm sure she'd rather know the truth but still get to see you and do a similar thing to what you'd planned

Ignore this man and don't tell him where you're going, it's none of his business

MissDuke Thu 09-Nov-17 06:36:08

Definitely a non issue. I bet your friend will prefer it to be just the two of you. Go and have fun with just her!

CanIBuffalo Thu 09-Nov-17 06:36:46

I'd be horrified to know that a friend had spend even a moment extra in the company of a creep on my account.
Tell her. Arrange something else.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon Thu 09-Nov-17 06:40:44

Speak to your friend. Tell her for your own well being that you’re pulling out of the hike but say that if feels she can’t do they hike (which you’re not telling her she can’t do) then you would love to plan something with her to do instead.

Sometimes you need to protect yourself. I haven’t read your other thread but through the comments on here sounds like you just need to get well away from this bloke

Dancinggoat Thu 09-Nov-17 06:41:35

Tell your friend you are no longer together and arrange a trek somewhere else with her.
Why would there be drama. Sounds like you're holding onto boyfriend and haven't finished it.

Wishingandwaiting Thu 09-Nov-17 06:44:27

Be honest with your friend. Seriously just be honest. Tell her your concerns.

CamperVamp Thu 09-Nov-17 06:50:21

Please do not spend the weekend with this man.

Talk to your friend. Can she go with them without you?

Have you, between you, got your own transport? Go somewhere else! Quick, plan it now! Or go by train, ask MN for suggestions if you need to!

WhatwouldAryado Thu 09-Nov-17 06:51:57

As above tell her you're not doing the hike and that you'd be happy to do something g else with her at the same time or a different time depending on her preference.

SoupDragon Thu 09-Nov-17 06:58:51

I agree with others : Explain to your friend and arrange a different hike.

ShiftyMcGifty Thu 09-Nov-17 06:59:43

I don't understand the responses about "this" man based on your other thread. I don't even understand your relationship to this person. It's also way waaaay too biased to actually be able to give you an objective opinion as a stranger.

I can't even decipher whether you're having a casual sexual relationship with noncommits and he's started to date someone new.... or whether you were meant to be exclusive.... or whether you're just friends and you're infatuated with him and think he's interested in you romantically when he's really, really not.


ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 09-Nov-17 07:04:42

you don't want to spend the weekend with this man, ok. Your reasons are relatively unimportant - what matters is that it will make you very uncomfortable.

So call your friend and explain that you are unable to go on this hike because you are no longer involved/comfortable with this man.

Give her the option to go walking somewhere else, do something else together, or go if she still wants to - but for heaven's sake CALL her now so she has time to make a decision.

toomuchtooold Thu 09-Nov-17 07:12:01

For some reason, having all of my feelings about being let down boiled down to "i'm so scarred" really upset me

There's a missing agent in that sentence.

For some reason, having all of my feelings about being let down boiled down to "i'm so scarred" by a total arse who's already shown himself not to be any sort of a friend to me really upset me

There you are fixed, that for you grin
Rationally there's no reason to get upset by the bad behaviour of someone you know is an arse but as a PP said, you're hoping that the nice guy is the "real him" and that somehow if you can get him to see how hurt you are, he'll start being Mr nice guy again. Not going to happen.

You might like Richard Grannon on this stuff.

24steve Thu 09-Nov-17 07:12:10

agree with everyone - you need to move on but speak to your friend, she may still want to go, is their anyone that can take your place.

just make sure anyone that needs to know understands your reasons, its not worth doing if it will upset you.

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