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To find it annoying my friend is always late?

(31 Posts)
peachytacos Wed 08-Nov-17 21:03:27

My friend is late every time we meet or often changes the meeting time shortly before, either bringing it forward by 30 minutes or delaying it by 30/45 minutes or so and is still late!! It’s starting to drive me mad, especially when my 11 month old doesn’t sleep well at the moment and I’m having to try and stick to a good routine in the run up to our planned meet time.
I don’t think I am BU but maybe I am, I think along the lines of...
5/10 mins- nothing to even get annoyed about
15 mins- fine, traffic is unpredictable sometimes, happens to us all on bad days
30 mins- taking the fucking piss now!

She says sorry but doesn’t ever appear to rush, just brazenly walks over with “oh hi, guess who is refusing lunch again”.
I’m really bad with any confrontation so it’s very much a gritted teeth “it’s fine” when she says she’s sorry. But last time really got to me because it’s as if she thinks her DD is the only one with a routine. My DD is 11 months and hers 10. Last time I cut the walk short because I knew she was due a snack back at the car and she seemed a bit shock that I went so soon when she’d paid for a couple hours parking. I was very sleep deprived that particular day and beyond fucked off i’d stood in the cold for 35 minutes blush
I enjoy her company and don’t want to end the friendship but it’s starting to really piss me off that I never know where I stand.
Do I gently mention it? Or lessen the meet ups to stop me getting so annoyed! Thanks in advance

NapQueen Wed 08-Nov-17 21:06:58

She is being very rude being so habitually late. Id leave after ten mins.

But on a side note couldnt your dd just have had a snack during the walk?

onemachine Wed 08-Nov-17 21:07:48

I would find her being late most of the time irritating too. It’s as if her time is more important than yours. I have come to realise though that some people don’t see lateness as a problem- they are usually the ones always making everyone else wait! It’s not worth losing a friend over though. Just see less of her if she’s doing your head in.

HolyShet Wed 08-Nov-17 21:08:14

YANBU it's rude and annoying but she sounds oblivious rather than simply horrid

FWIW DH is pathologically late, I have told him we are setting off/meeting/whatever for the last 18 years.

peachytacos Wed 08-Nov-17 21:09:12

@NapQueen DH said the same, that he would have left after 10 minutes.

I usually do have her snacks on me and feed her on the walk but didn’t realise that I’d left her snack bag in the car... it was a very bad day! blush

Mammylamb Wed 08-Nov-17 21:09:34

I find most of my "Mum"friends tend to be late to meet ups, so I always arrange to meet them somewhere warm and dry, and try not to plan too much in the same day due to folk running late. I suspect it goes with the territory of having wee ones. Oh, and I always try to meet up in groups so that if someone drops out then I'm not hanging out on my own

Bambamber Wed 08-Nov-17 21:10:12

I would mention it, it could well be that she's so wrapped up in her own child she genuinely doesn't realise the impact that it's having on you. Just explain that you're both working around young children and her keep changing the time or being late is making it difficult to meet with her. If you don't say anything she may just assume it isn't causing a problem

MikeUniformMike Wed 08-Nov-17 21:10:19

Turn up late when you next meet her.

Frankie2015 Wed 08-Nov-17 21:10:26

You could either next time you arrange to meet tell her 30 minutes earlier so you can hopefully get there for the same time (I do this with my husband as he can never leave/meet anywhere on time and seems to be oblivious to how annoying it is)

Or

Next time you arrange and agree a time maybe say are you actually going to turn up at that time though? And Through in a passive aggressive lol at the end! smile

frustratedashell Wed 08-Nov-17 21:11:13

Be half an hour late yourself!

thefourgp Wed 08-Nov-17 21:17:08

I have a friend who’s always late and it’s because she hates being seen anywhere by herself or waiting on other people so she’s always late to ensure there’s always someone waiting on her. I’ve taken to telling her to be there 30 minutes earlier than I intend on getting there so we both normally get there around the same time. It’s a pain in the ass but I don’t see her that often so it’s not worth falling out over.

peachytacos Wed 08-Nov-17 21:17:33

I think @onemachine you’ve hit the nail on the head, she goes to the gym for 90 minutes every morning and has made comments previously in general conversation about “try fitting in the gym as well”.

InvisibleKittenAttack Wed 08-Nov-17 21:31:45

She doesn't see your time as important, and while it's hard for her to be on time, she doesn't even think about your feelings enough to think it might also be tricky for you with a baby.

I would stop arranging to meet her on her own. Group things you can do without her (and actually get on with it), or arrange to go to her house/invite her to yours. Say it's because arranging to meet out at a set time doesn't happen so best at someone's house so you can just get on.

Having dc made me less tolerant of this sort of behaviour, it's ok for you to park this friendship for a few months.

Themummy76 Wed 08-Nov-17 21:34:38

Yanbu i have a friend like this too - always 30 mins late - it’s so rude and says to me she thinks her time is more important than mine. I don’t know how to raise it either! I tend to just say meet 30 mins before I want to now!

BrutusMcDogface Wed 08-Nov-17 21:34:43

Bloody hell. "Try fitting in the gym as well"??!! That would absolutely enrage me, if I were you! angry

BrutusMcDogface Wed 08-Nov-17 21:35:55

I'm often late but never more than about 10-15 minutes, and I always bluster in apologising profusely. I'm late because I'm a disaster zone, and definitely not because I think my time is more important.

junebirthdaygirl Wed 08-Nov-17 21:36:53

That would drive me nuts. Agree that you need to stop meeting her on her own so at least you have company and she can just join in. I meet a group of friends regularly for coffee. One is always late. We just continue our chat and she has to join in. We dont put ourselves out one bit. But if l was only merting her l would be long gone.

NamasteNiki Wed 08-Nov-17 21:41:37

In this situation actions will speak far louder than words.

Next time she texts about meeting tell her on text you will be there at the arranged time and you cant wait longer. If she is not there leave after 10 minutes of waiting.

It is like dealing with a child. Give them a warning and follow it through. She will eventually learn. This way there will be no confrontation or difficult conversation. When she texts asking where you were say I told you I couldnt wait for you and you were late, oh well next time.

Eventually she will get it.

cathyclown Wed 08-Nov-17 21:46:24

I am obviously a total so and so. But if someone doesn't turn up within 15/20 minutes consistently ( we all have crises lol), I would be very annoyed.

It really means that your time is less precious than their's.

Nope.

MrsFantastic Wed 08-Nov-17 21:48:44

I was once at a relative's house when he was getting ready for a date with his long term "lady friend". He was still watching the cricket when it was time to meet her at a train station. He then had a shower and got dressed. Then he had a cup of tea and a chat before leaving. What really struck me was that he thought this lateness was really amusing.

This man had a high ranking job. I bet he didn't turn up late to meetings or at work. Basically, he didn't really care much about his "lady friend" if he was treating her like that.

I know things can be difficult with babies, but like others said it would be best to meet somewhere comfortable rather than in the cold (if you must meet up with her).

Maelstrop Wed 08-Nov-17 21:49:58

She knows you waited in the cold for 35 minutes so now thinks it's fine, you'll be there. Write a Whatsapp ready to send, give it ten minutes, send the message 'Waited til ...., you weren't here, I've gone home'. Go. Don't let her take the piss.

Breadwithgarlicon Wed 08-Nov-17 22:03:54

How rude and annoying! I would arrange to meet somewhere warm and dry that I wanted to go anyway. I would also only wait as long as it suited me and be clear about why you're leaving. Eg. "Well, I've been here since XXX and have to go to XXX now." I think if you're very clear each time, it might help train her out of being late. But, I agree with pps saying she's not valuing your time and I'm not sure if there's a cure for that. Certainly though, she's not going to if you keep supporting her lateness.

Breadwithgarlicon Wed 08-Nov-17 22:07:12

Her gym comment is appalling! Very rude.

BenLui Wed 08-Nov-17 22:07:18

I agree with everyone else. Wait ten minutes and then leave.

If she asks to change the time at the last minute just politely decline. “That doesn’t suit us see you another day”

Butterymuffin Wed 08-Nov-17 22:08:46

Either do as has already been suggested and leave after 10 minutes of waiting. Or show up one hour after the arranged time. From what you've said, she may still arrive at pretty much the same time as you if you do that, but if not and she has to wait around for a change, she'll see how annoying it is.
You do have to do something though, or she won't change. As it is, things suit her fine.

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