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To not want to support DP in the future

(165 Posts)
Methemandus Tue 07-Nov-17 16:22:32

NC for this and will leave out details as it could be outing.
DP and I don’t live together, we both have two children but none together.
I’m a single parent and have spent the last 10 years struggling financially and doing jobs I hate because the hours were suitable for childcare reasons.
DP for the last few years has earned considerably more than me but all of his spare earnings have gone on spoiling his kids and I have paid 50/50 for everything whenever we’ve done things even though at times I couldn’t really afford to.
Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home with me picking up the increase in the bills as a result of this e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you. It may seem petty bringing these little things up but I have been seriously on my arse financially with just enough to cover my bills. Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

We had talked of moving in together due to the amount of time we do spend together but that’s on hold whilst I complete some qualifications which will then enable me to get a fantastic job which will mean I’ll earn considerably more than him.
Moreover my grandma is in ill health and I will shortly be inheriting a large sum from her estate which I want to buy a house with.
My issue is now I’m not sure I want to be buying a house for “us”. I am working extremely hard to get these qualifications and after having a long hard think about it I don’t see why I should be buying our family home. He has horrendous credit due to old debt and is a lot older than me so would be unlikely to get a long term mortgage now.
So it would be down to me. I would begrudge buying a big house to accommodate his children also when he hasn’t been very generous with me. He had taken quite a big pay cut from work and I’m worried now I’ll end to supporting him and his children (and in turn the exW) and I don’t want to.
I’m doing all of this to give my children a better life.
He is so lovely in so many ways and is very loving but he’s always seen his money for him and his kids, but I have a feeling it will soon become “our money” when I begin to earn a lot.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up with him but I am really worried about this. Am I being selfish? What would you do?

TeenTimesTwo Tue 07-Nov-17 16:27:37

Carry on living separately?

mrsharrison Tue 07-Nov-17 16:32:52

Yes carry on as you are.

Softkitty2 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:34:18

Buy the house in your name only. Protect the interest of your children.

He can live with you and pay his way

Sentimentallentil Tue 07-Nov-17 16:34:45

I would buy myself and children a lovely house and continue to have my partner live in his house. Sounds ideal to be honest.

OliviaStabler Tue 07-Nov-17 16:35:30

Treat him just as he has treated you

PumpkinPicking841 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:37:19

I couldn't be with someone who knew I was struggling financially, and wouldn't help me when they have the means to.

I would keep seperate money as other posters have said.

Oddmanout Tue 07-Nov-17 16:37:31

Its hard to live together and remain completely financially independent so you'll have to tell him why you don't want to share finances eventually, and tbh you'd probably split up then anyway from what you've said about how he is. Better to do it before you get financially entangled.

lunar1 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:37:51

Don’t live together under any circumstances.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 07-Nov-17 16:38:36

Buy a house for yo and your DC. He stays living where he is.

Though, having said that, it sounds like you've not had a proper talk about money. You need to!

How long have you been together?

And bloody well done on all your hard work. Remember why you did it!

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 07-Nov-17 16:40:07

If he had helped you out with little things like a few quid towards the extra bills, buying a weekly shop now and then or just bringing the odd toilet roll or tube if toothpaste you might be feeling differently but he didn't and if you live together I doubt he will change.

You need someone who can match what you are effectively bringing to the table not someone who will put a drain on your energy and finances.

SonicBoomBoom Tue 07-Nov-17 16:42:00

Something tells me he'll want to marry you once you buy this house and have a great job.

Say no.

Didiusfalco Tue 07-Nov-17 16:45:26

God no - don’t live together. Protect your money and your children’s. I suspect you are right that now your fortunes are on the rise money will conveniently be seen as joint. Don’t let that happen.

Cambionome Tue 07-Nov-17 16:45:51

What everyone else has said.

If you do decide to move in with him, though, be very aware that if you got married it wouldn't make any difference if the house was solely in your name, he would still be entitled to 50% of it in the event of a split.

MsJolly Tue 07-Nov-17 16:47:02

Don't buy a house with him.

Buy as big a house as you need for you and your kids, otherwise you will end up with a lazy selfish cocklodger

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Tue 07-Nov-17 16:47:34

I'd dump him, but I would have done so long ago anyway. A mean man is never a good man.

Methemandus Tue 07-Nov-17 16:47:36

I don’t want to live on my own forever, I’m still young and I want a proper live-in partner or husband.
I don’t think it was done out of any financial meanness towards me and my children, I think he just sees himself as obligated to support his own children and therefore every last spare bit of cash goes on them.
I haven’t been in a position where I’ve had any spare cash at all so I suppose this has only occurred to me with the realisation that I am going to end up being quite well off.
I love him very much and I don’t doubt he loves me, but I don’t want to support him or his children.
The house will definitely be only in my name that’s a certainty and if he wishes to buy a property for himself then that’s up to him.
How does it work when you own the house though? I mean legally? Do I charge him a rental amount for bills so I can legally prove he’s not contributing directly to the mortgage?
A male friend of mine was just in a situation where he had to pay his exgf a lump sum when they split out of their house even though she wasn’t on the mortgage and they have no kids because she was able to say that she was still contributing to towards the full household costs even though their deal was that he paid the mortgage and 1/3 of the bills and she covered the other 2/3s as she earned less.
Do I legally have to get an agreement in place?
My other concern would be if died and was on the mortgage without us being married, would 50% go to his kids and ExW? confused

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries Tue 07-Nov-17 16:49:01

I honestly think you should have a total fresh start and find someone else!

Peachyking000 Tue 07-Nov-17 16:49:01

Sounds like you have your head screwed on, and I agree with others that it would likely be best to continue living separately. I would be upfront about the reasons too though. I’m sure if he needs extra bedroom(s) for his DC, this would add £££ to any potential house purchase. Seems he has cut off his nose to spite his face

GeekyWombat Tue 07-Nov-17 16:55:47

Treat him just as he treated you. It’s not a reason to break up yet, but if he does imply what’s yours suddenly must now be his then I’d be rethinking the relationship, definitely.

Also if you do end up buying somewhere and having him move in I’d get legal advice to make sure you’ve protected yourself fully.

sweetheart Tue 07-Nov-17 17:00:47

From what I remember years ago when dh and I brought our 1st house together there was a legal document you could draw up as part of the purchase of a house if it was not owned 50/50. So say for example you used your money to buy 75% of a place and he covered 25% somehow (sale of his place or mortgage) you can have it drawn up into a legal agreement. Not sure how it would work if you married. You would have to make sure you had a cast iron clad will to say that your (theoretical) 75% went to your children only and was not inherited by him. My dh's grandparents did this - he died and the house was left to his daughter but she had the right to live in it until she died.

InvisibleKittenAttack Tue 07-Nov-17 17:01:05

He's not been interested in being a 'team' when you would be the one who needed to take, only showing an interest when he could be the one to take.

I wouldn't build a future with this man. He might be lovely, but few selfish people are horrible all the time.

I would plan on buying a house that suits you and your DCs and continue to live separately.

It does sound like you've outgrown him, but don't have a good enough reason to end it.

May50 Tue 07-Nov-17 17:01:13

Well done for struggling and getting where you are. Buy a house for you and your DC and stay living separately. I moved ExP in with me and had his kids to stay every weekend, and he was a complete cocklodger. He was a 'lovely fun' guy though but just no responsibility. We are no longer together as I realised what a mug I'd been. Luckily the house was mine, he had no claim on it as he didn't pay any rent anyway! Occasionally bought some food, that was about it.
I will never live with a partner again.
You say your DP is a lot older than you. You don't want to end up him cutting right back, earning nothing while you run yourself ragged and end up looking after him,

diddl Tue 07-Nov-17 17:01:42

" I want a proper live-in partner or husband."

Don't choose him then!

Gemini69 Tue 07-Nov-17 17:03:07

No OP.. I wouldn't be moving him in ...

I'd buy a house for you and your Children... only flowers

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