to ask MN to help me to get my DFather to back off?(85 Posts)
Backstory: Growing up my DFather was emotionally and physically abusive - would blackmail me into never getting even a trim for my hair, would hit me for slightest thing like forgetting to text my DM on her way home from work because we'd run out of milk. I was also sexually abuse by my DFathers brother when I was 4, at the time I didn't know what had happened
being only 4 so didn't tell anyone until I was a teenager. My Parents split when I was 14 because my DFather didn't believe me and backed his brother, my DM believed me though. Contact was ordered through courts for my siblings, but not me as the court felt I needed to rebuild my relationship with my DFather, they asked him with help to send me regular emails, which was then supposed to build up to short visits with the view that by the time I was 16 I'd be on a regular contact agreement like my brothers.
Unfortunately after 2 emails my DFather thought the process was going too slowly and told me that I either joined my brothers for regular contact or he wouldn't see any of us. I remember clearly telling my DM that I wanted to stick to the way things where, so my DM challenged my DFather about it and he cut contact with all 3 of us.
So that was 10 years ago, I'm now 25, I am married and have my own child, who's 2. Neither of my brothers have children yet.
DBro2 (now 21) contacted my DFather about a year ago. DBro2 tells me that DFathers brother is now in prison for sexually assaulting his Stepdaughter so my DFather now chooses to believe me. At the time I still didn't want contact with DFather but told DBro2 that I was happy for him to be invited to his 21st birthday party in May.
Well obviously my DH and DD are at the party. DFather realises that DD is his granddaughter and wants contact with both me and DD
oddly enough he wasn't bothered about meeting DH.
I agree to add him on Facebook and change my settings so he can only see certain posts. And we start messaging. Within a day of messaging it turns to "When can we meet up?" "When can I properly meet my granddaughter?" and offering to buy presents for us both.
I agree to one meeting just before DDs 2nd birthday in June which is nearly a month after we start messaging. I tell him if he wants to get her a present he can but don't expect her to run up and hug him gratefully as she doesn't know him. And as we live in a small flat keep it to something small that she's not going to bothered if I relocate it to my DMs or MILs. He was very good and chose a cushion for DDs bed/chair with her favourite TV character on, she uses it as her "naptime" pillow and uses it on the sofa at nighttime when she's at home.
I've seen my dad once more since then on my own without DD. It wasn't always through choice DD is disabled and has at least a couple of appointments a month, attends a private Nursery 2-3 days a week depending on appointments and also my work. Yes I do also work, but often from home so I can be around if DD needs me. I just got busy and haven't had a chance to see my DM or MIL let alone a man I'm wary of and want to take things slow with.
So he's messaged me this yesterday "No, have you forgotten me? Or have I upset you in some way? I just never get to see you or (DDs name), I miss you both"
how can you miss someone you've met once?
So I messaged back saying that I'd been busy as DDs appointments come in waves every couple of months and she has 12 different referrals in to different departments so I'm fairly busy and that my husband also has an on going medical condition that although not serious requires a little bit of skill to organise his appointments around DDs (he organises his own but likes me with him and as I can't be in two places at once it does need my help to sort out). I also work as does DH and I like DD to attend Nursery on the days I've paid for as much as possible.
So he messaged back this morning "Sorry I'm not important enough to make time for". I want to tell him that I haven't seen much of DM or DBros recently because of DDs conditions and leading busy lives. I also want contact to slow down and be at my pace, I'm happy for him to see DD if/when she's available when I am but he needs to fit in with my busy life and things need to calm down a bit. He never messages me unless it's too meet up, he puts the odd comment on my photos but sometimes it seems he'll only comment if DM or MIL do
he'll hav guessed who MIL is based on my surname being the same as DHs/MILs and also because DH has her listed as his "mother" on his Facebook in a way of trying to show he's the better grandparent.
AIBU to want things to slow down? and to work for me? Or should I just give DFather what he wants? I do want to have some sort of contact with DFather but do not want it to be on just his terms.
He sounds awful op!
Do you actually want to meet him or are you doing it out of obligation?
This man who is supposed to cherish and protect you let you down. You actually could cut him of and that would be ok.
for you and for 4 year old you. Heartbreaking.
He really wants everything his way, doesn't he.
Don't do anything that you're not comfortable doing. I'd go NC again, tbh. What exactly will you get from a relationship with him anyway?
why do you want to have contact with a man who controlled and hit you and didnt believe that his brother was abusing you and who has treated you with contempt your whole life?
he doesnt love you. he feels he has the right to you.
you really need to be smarter than this. you couldnt do anything when you were a child but you have a child that you can protect.
everything you describe screams a man who does not view you as a person but rather as property of his that he is in control of.
there is no happy ending having him back in your life.
just him controlling you and extending that control to your daughter. he will treat her the way he treated you. same manipulation. same control. maybe a slap if he gets the chance. because she is his too. you are props in his one man show.
i know the type of man you outline.
there is no loving father in there and no doting grandfather either.
You do realise that he is doing it again right? This is emotional manipulation. In your place I would cut all ties-imagine what it's going to be like when your DD gets used to him. If you really don't want to then you should just say three things. 1. We are very busy. 2. As a result all family members don't see much of us (yes, making sure that she gets medical treatment is more important than you lot unfortunately). 3. You need to accept that this is the way things are and shut up. This is really not ok.
He sounds absolutely awful
Personally I'd block him and go back to NC. It's not like he's adding anything positive to your life. He sounds like he is still abusing you emotionally.
He doesn't deserve you.
Tbh, I'd ignore his messages and would let him know when I had time and was willing to meet. If he says anything, I'd remind him that he cut contact and he chose not to believe you. He has no rights and should be grateful you're even willing to rebuild some form of relationship.
I'd be inclined to tell him that, no, he's not as important to you as dd, dh and the people who have supported you for the last 10 years. He can stick around and become important or he can disappear. Up to him.
You've been through a lot and you owe him nothing.
I wouldn't have any contact at all. Don't feel obliged to. Your obligations to him ended when he abused you. He is not a true father.
Anyone can buy a kid a cute present. He is not adding anything to her life, and you are introducing her to someone who has the ability to abuse children. Why even take the risk?
"Sorry I'm not important enough to make time for"
You chose to treat me like shit as a child. You chose to cut contact with my brothers to punish me. Throughout my life you have been a pathetic excuse for a father so if you are not one of my highest priorities that is all your own doing. If you want to try and build a relationship with me and your granddaughter then I suggest you grow up and stop trying to emotionally blackmail me or punish me every time you don't get things exactly your own way. I do not need you in my life. Your behaviour will determine if I want you in my life. If you cannot find it within yourself to behave like a loving, reasonable human being then we have no future. It's all down to you.
Why would you sign your daughter up for the shite treatment you’ve got. Tell him you’ll see him when you see him and if he keeps pestering that will be never. And say yes you did do something wrong mate you didn’t believe me and you punished my brothers because you cba to send emails. Tell him he isn’t important and not a priority
Ok @herothethalf put it so much better than me
Cut contact. He is never going to change. You need to protect yourself and your daughter. You have built a life for yourself without his input. I don't think he is going to bring anything positive into that. Its all about him. Just because someone is related to us biologically, it does not give them any rights in our life's, once they have absolved themselves of any parental roles.
He's trying to emotionally manipulate you, in the same way that he did when you were a child. Why on earth would you want your DD exposed to this? In your shoes's I'd be blocking him and cutting him off, but if you are convinced that you want to give him another chance - and God knows why - then send Her's message - word for word.
Tbh I’d be telling him where to go. My dad is useless and I’m not forgiving him for a lot less than this.
Get on with your life OP and be happy
Please read what Trojans has written.
What do you truly think you’ll gain from this? Because I think the child in you is desperate for a loving father and I’m so sorry but he isn’t ever going to be that.
You owe it to you DD to make sure she cannot he harmed in the same way. Better to miss out on a grandparent than have one so very likely to hurt her.
Get yourself some counseling OP and figure out that you don’t value yourself half as highly as you should.
OP, every time you refer to him as DF it makes me shudder. Do you know what the D stands for? It stands for everything helpful and loving that you didn’t get from him. What a horrible number he’s done on you, that you still want him to be “dear”. I’m so sorry - he never will be.
he doesnt love you. he feels he has the right to you. OR - what herotherhalf said!
FFS why do you feel you need to explain? You owe him nothing! You certainly don't owe him your daughter.
He was a crap, abusive father. He will be a crap abusive gf. Do you want that for your child?
He sees you and her on your terms, not his.
He's just reverting to type, he can't physically abuse you (yet) so he's emotionally doing it instead. TBH I wouldn't give him the time of day after what you describe, and I certainly wouldn't want him around my daughter.
OP, I agree with Trojans, but if you feel you need to try, then send Herotherhalf's message and tell him you will go NC unless he backs off and has a relationship with you on your terms.
So sorry for what you went through.
Of course I don't want that for my child, at all. My life was better for the 10 years he wasn't in it, but I do feel some obligation as the oldest child.
He would never be allowed contact unsupervised with my DD, and thankfully my DD is pretty well behaved when in public so I didn't need to step in and prevent him telling her off
neither DH or I agree with physical punishments.
Personally I'd message him saying. No you're not a priority in my life or DD's. In fact I was making more time available for you than I was comfortable doing and the fact that it's not enough suggests that it would be better if we went low contact. That means I won't be contacting or responding to you until I'm ready. DD is the important one and you made it very clear during my childhood that my needs and wants were not of any interest to you, so I do not feel any emotional need to consider yours.
I may be able to contact you before next year, but any further contact or attempts to interfere with our lives will only ensure that I will not include you in our lives.
Respecting our wishes is the only way you'll be able to slowly develop a relationship with our daughter.
The best thing you can ever do for your daughter is keep this monster far away from her and yourself.
shame he never felt an abligation to be a half decent father to the children he chose to have.
i am unsure why you feel an obligation to be in the life of someone who proved countless times that you are worthless to him.
you have no obligation to him.
he is a grown ass man who brought children into the world and then utterly failed them. and still fails them.
you owe him exactly and precisely fuck all.
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