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not to confide in my mum?

(8 Posts)
WhyOhWine Mon 06-Nov-17 16:38:49

I get on well with my DM (and DF too). We live about 5 hours apart so only see each other 2 to 4 times a year and speak on the phone once or twice a week.

DM is very kind but is a real worrier and prone to jump to the worst case scenario. She has had some bad things happen in her life so it is at least partly understandable. However, I sometimes find it difficult to deal with and have therefore chosen not to confide in her at times.

For example, we had fertility issues but did not tell her as I felt her anxiety about it (and immediately jumping to the worst case scenario) could affect me when I was trying to stay positive and did not want to deal with her worries as well as my own. Both DC were IVF and she still does not know this (DC are now teens!) and I feel guilty about that. I did not intend to never tell her but the time was never right and then it was somehow too late. She would be very upset if she knew because her intent would be to be supportive.

One of my DC is currently having some issues, and again I find myself backing away from talking to my mum about it. I think it is because I dont really want DC to worry about grandma being upset (which I think my mum would not be able to hide from DC) and I see it as being up to DC to decide who she wants to confide in (and if that is her grandma then of course that is fine). But it is also because I know DM will fret about it and call me with lots of "advice" from her friends who have children or grandchildren who have been through similar etc etc.

So it feels like the right thing from our persective not to talk to her about it, but i aslo feel bad as she is supportive in her own way and very caring, and I know i would be mortified if I thought my DC felt unable to talk to me about similar things. Maybe I should give her the headlines but tell her DC does not want it to be discussed unless she initiates. Or is that even worse, i.e. telling her the problem but not giving her an outlet?

FiddleWiddiRiddim Mon 06-Nov-17 16:45:41

So it feels like the right thing from our persective not to talk to her about it

There's your answer.

but i aslo feel bad as she is supportive in her own way and very caring

Okay but it's not in a way which is useful or helpful for you

I know i would be mortified if I thought my DC felt unable to talk to me about similar things

But you also know how not to act if they do confide in you (i.e. as your mother does) so they should feel comfortable to. At the same time, you need to recognise that they might not want to tell their mum everything for no other reason than it's private for them and/or their DH

Maybe I should give her the headlines but tell her DC does not want it to be discussed unless she initiates

Don't do this. It's disrespectful to your DC (it's their problem after all) and actually would result in what you don't want to happen- they'll never confide in you again. Plus, your mum will be trying to worm details out of you. You'll crack or else you'll end up being (what she'll perceive to be) secretive and your mum will go straight to your DC or will fret even more.

TheCatsMother99 Mon 06-Nov-17 16:50:47

I no longer tell my mum stuff for pretty much the same reason.

My mum is a very negative person and will always see the worst in a situation of expect the worst to happen. I've also had her turn a bad situation I'm going through to how it affects her or inconveniences her or how I've stressed her out because I'm so ill etc.

If I were you, I wouldn't tell her.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 06-Nov-17 16:51:17

Maybe I should give her the headlines but tell her DC does not want it to be discussed unless she initiates
And
I know i would be mortified if I thought my DC felt unable to talk to me about similar things

are incompatible. You can have one or the other. You can tell your DM your children's business, you know she will do inappropriate stuff and your DC will lose trust in you and say things to each other like "Don't tell mum, you know how she and grandma get about this stuff."

Or you can keep it to yourself and maybe go to a counsellor or something about why you feel so bad about not sharing information even though you know that sharing it would make both you and your mother feel worse. On the plus side your children would still feel safe confiding in you.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN Mon 06-Nov-17 16:54:54

I can totally relate to your POV OP.

My DM is similarly a worrier and likes a lot of detail. I find it suffocating and not particularly helpful.

I too employ the tactic of not really telling her too much detail. I'm currently 12 weeks pg and she doesn't know as I've not had my scan yet. I wouldn't want her to know if I miscarried as I'd find managing her reaction too stressful. So I've not told her.

She'd be really upset if she knew why, but I've tried to have a conversation with her previously about all this stuff and to say it went badly would be an understatement.

Personally I'd just carry on as you are.

flowers

MatildaTheCat Mon 06-Nov-17 17:28:29

I’m economical with what I share with both DM and DMIL. Both have a negative outlook and MIL will keep on and on about things which are completely out of my control. DM will often brush things off in a way I find upsetting as, if I’ve confided a problem, I’d like it discussed or empathised with.

So YANBU, you are very sensible. Just being your DM does not mean you are entitled to every detail of your life.

WhyOhWine Tue 07-Nov-17 14:48:18

Thanks all. My mum really is lovely which is why i feel bad about not confiding in her as i dont think she would understand the reasons. And the times I have confided in her she has usually been great (although this has tended to be about things that i dont think would upset her, whereas I know she would have been very upset about fertility issues etc).

I am pleased to know I am not the only one who does this even with parents who have their hearts in the right place. It makes me feel less bad about it.

Takeoutyourhen Tue 07-Nov-17 20:34:32

Same as TheCatsMother99 - plus I don't trust my M to keep anything to herself

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