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To ask WWYD in this school situation

(351 Posts)
Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:23:00

I really need help (and maybe a reality check) so prepared to hear all opinions but please be kind because I'm upset about this as it is

DD has been having trouble with a girl at school since she started. I'm not going to bore you with a list of incidents but this girl has taken a dislike to my DD and won't allow her to join in play with any other girls that she see fit. I've spoken to the school about this and they have spoken to my DD about things she can do if she finds herself with no one to play with.

A couple of weeks ago, my DD came home very upset as this girl had spat at her. I went in to speak to the HT as normal teacher was away that day and it was very much brushed off as "that's not acceptable, we will keep an eye on it". My DD still comes home and says she's been playing on her own because this girl excludes her.

I've tried inviting friends round to tea to get my DD intergrating with another group but my DD is finding it really hard. She comes home and tells me that this girl is mean to her - tells her to "go away" "you can't play with us" "get off that you can't play on that" etc.

Today j had a voicemail from the HT saying that my DD has been involved in an incident where she has hit this girl, that she's missed her playtime and can I have a word with her because it's not acceptable to be doing that. I've tried ringing the HT back (10 mins later) to be told that she's unavailable to speak to me.

Now don't get me wrong - hitting is wrong and she will be punished at home accordingly but part of me wants to scream and shout that this is a reaction to all what's been going on with her since she started school with this girl. Days of her coming home upset. She's quite a shy girl and hitting is totally out of character for her.

Please give me advice - I'm in tears here, partly because I'm frustrated I've got to wait till 3.15pm to speak to a teacher and secondly because I'm so sad that this has happened sad

chickenowner Mon 06-Nov-17 13:25:00

Why have you got to wait until 3.15? Call back and ask again to speak to someone. Can you go to the school before hometime?

Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:26:52

Because the HT and my DD's teacher are teaching classes at the moment so I've been told there will be no one to speak to me till pick up. I'm going out of my mind!!! Why ring me and ten mins later be inavailable!

lunabear1 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:28:04

It sounds like your daughter has just got to her wits end and has snapped. Plus it doesn't sound like on the voicemail you've been told why she hit her this other girl could have been doing something worse.

Have you considered sitting down in a meeting with the headteacher and the other little girls parents and try to work it out?

Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:30:29

Luna I requested this when the girl spat at my DD but was brushed off. To give abit of background the mother of the girl is not a nice lady and has made comments to me previously about how I'm painting her DD out to be "a villain" so we don't speak or get on.

KimmySchmidt1 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:31:04

Well, if it was me I would toe the line and take the telling off but wait and see if the smack round the chops did the job and this other girl has backed off - if it did then it seems to me the bigger problem has been resolved and a brief telling off was worth it.

Ttbb Mon 06-Nov-17 13:31:35

You neeed to have a talk with your daughter. It's possible that the other girl hit her first or just made it up althogether. If she did hit her, tell your daughter that she did well to stand up for herself but hitting is not an appropriate way to do that. Tell her to use her words next time. I would also suggest that you just tell your daughter to ignore what this other girl says. Unless all the others are also telling her to go a at why should she do what just this one girl says?

Mamabear4180 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:32:12

Don't punish her at home op. talk about it but don't punish. This is a reaction as you say from being bullied and standing up for herself is a good thing even if the behaviour itself is undesirable.

This won't be popular but I'd change schools. The teachers aren't dealing with it and it's making your DD miserable.

My DD put up with this same thing all through junior school and nothing worked. Now she's in secondary school she's happy and doing really well. I wish I had moved her before, I have 2 other DD's now not yet in school and I'm not putting up with any crap like that again.

2014newme Mon 06-Nov-17 13:32:24

Your school is not managing this properly. It's bullying by exclusion to tell others they can't play with your dd. School should be all over this and they have not been. I don't blame your dd for slapping her tbh. My dn was bullied. One day she tired of it. She walked I to school, lunches the bully in the face and walked away. She wasn't bullied again.
Your dd has been let down by school failing to manage this and has got to tge end if her tether. 💐

deepestdarkestperu Mon 06-Nov-17 13:33:00

Headteachers can easily go from "available" to "busy" in a matter of minutes - it's part of the job unfortunately. I imagine she rang you right at the end of her lunch break as that's the only chance she got in between lessons/teaching/meetings.

You only have a couple of hours to wait, and I think these things are best dealt with in person, and probably once you've had a bit of time to think about what you want to say/achieve. Go in after school and request a meeting with the HT (bare in mind this might not be today) and have a think about what you want to say, and what you want the outcome to be.

I'm sorry for what your DD has been going through, that's awful sad flowers

Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:34:12

Ttbb I've spoken with my DD countless times over this. She's a shy girl and finds it hard to go and tell a teacher when something happens but as soon as she sees me she lets it all out in the car. I've spoken to the teacher about this and they said they will keep an eye on it.

I will speak to her at pick up and also request to speak to teacher or HT with DD present to find out exactly what's going on to make my DD hit

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 06-Nov-17 13:34:44

Its not acceptable, but yet its somehow acceptable for your dd to bullied and spat at. No fucking way would I be laying down and taking that. I think its a case of your dd being pushed too far.
I'd be going up and demanding that this bullying be nipped in the bud. Immediately no excuses. Its not like you've not been ridiculously patient.
Also speak to the safe guarding officer.

CorbynsBumFlannel Mon 06-Nov-17 13:36:27

I'd advise your dd to keep out of this girls way altogether. If the girl is saying she can't play then she's obviously still trying to. Is it a very small school? If not there will be other kids she can play with completely seperately from this girl. The rest of the group are either actively excluding your dd as well or going along with it so I would just avoid them all.
Try and find out from your dd who plays with who and maybe invite one or 2 girls from a different group who are kind to her over to play.

Goldmandra Mon 06-Nov-17 13:38:22

I had a call once to say that DD1 had bitten another pupil. It was incredibly out of character. I told the head I would make sure DD1 knew that was unacceptable but that there had been a persistent issue with the other pupil bullying DD1 at their previous school and had she asked what had led up to it as DD1 had literally never been in trouble in school before.

The head investigated (DD1 had admitted the biting so it hadn't been investigated further at that point) and called me back to say this girl had been pinning DD1 down at the time while other pupils took her school bag. She said this was a cry for help and there would be no punishment in school for the biting. She was utterly lovely to DD1 from then on. She deal swiftly with the bully who tried hitting DD1 on one further occasion. This was also dealt with very effectively and DD1 never had a problem from this girl again.

I think you need to ask for a face to face meeting with the head to look at the history between them. It isn't OK to ignore it.

Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:38:34

deepest I know this sounds stupid but with the way I feel at the moment I feel like I might cry infront of HT blush It's built up for me over the weeks too, seeing her coming home upset and my frustrations at going in and feeling like it hasn't resolved.

What really hurt me the other day was I was busy washing up and my DD came over and said could I play with her dolls and I said I'm busy at the moment, she kept on and on so I said just go and play on your own for a min and she started to cry saying "don't say that because it upsets me when I have to play on my own at school" 😢

Peachyking000 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:39:48

I’ll go against the grain - I wouldn’t punish her for hitting under these circumstances. My DC went through something similar a few years back, and after he hit the child in question, it stopped immediately

PuppyMonkey Mon 06-Nov-17 13:40:54

Have you got a note of all the incidents involving this girl and your DD? If so, after you've had your chat about today's incident, perhaps accepting the chastising and apologising etc, you may have a golden opportunity to now discuss what action they will be taking about YOUR complaints against the other child? Try and do it calmly but assertively?

Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:41:48

corbyn it is a small school. The trouble is that my DD's friendship group all moved up to this school from preschool so all know each other. It's only since school that this girl has taken a dislike to my DD. My DD can't understand why she can't play with them and has admitted to following them around trying to play with them

Mamabear4180 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:44:19

she started to cry saying "don't say that because it upsets me when I have to play on my own at school" Poor baby sad

It doesn't matter if you cry in front of the HT op, just insist on a resolution to the bullying. You want to know exactly what they plan to do about it. Stand up for your DD too. Hitting is not like her, tell them she's obviously at the end of her rope and it's not good enough.

Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:45:37

puppy I haven't made a physical note of all the things that have happened. Yes your right this is my perfect opportunity to find out what's going on - for some reason they seem to think that this other girl is a golden girl and can do no wrong 😞

BarbarianMum Mon 06-Nov-17 13:45:40

Is it always unacceptable to hit? Depends what was going on. Ds1 once bit a boy on the hand - boy had him up against the wall and was trying to push a ball into his mouth at the time. Wouldn't stop when asked. Certainly didn't punish ds.

Op I suggest you start keeping a record of each and every negative incident and go and meet with the Head/class teacher with a copy of the school's bullying policy in hand (available from school website usually, if not ask). Excluding a child is bullying, so they need to be implementing their policy.

CorbynsBumFlannel Mon 06-Nov-17 13:45:48

So what are her friends doing when this girl is saying she can't play?

DaisyRaine90 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:46:55

Not acceptable at all. From the HT especially. Move her school ASAP.

Junglejupiter Mon 06-Nov-17 13:47:03

I've just had enough of it 😭 I'm so fucking sad for my DD

Angrybird345 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:47:40

I will go against some of what has been said. My child was bring bullied at infant school and we toed the line, spoke to school etc. Nothing happened, bullying continued. One day my child smacked this child having been pushed by the bullying child and it stopped. I was called in to see the head but explained very firmly what had happened and my child would not be punished by anyone. Of course st home we explained hitting was bad etc. But the bullying stopped.

It would have taken guts for your child to hit That person, or reaching the end of her tether. Best that it mind.

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