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"Friend" doesn't reply to messages because he is SO busy, but calls whenever he wants

(17 Posts)
JeansandJumpers Mon 06-Nov-17 12:48:41

I try not to be overly sensitive, but I wonder if I have let this friend think his time is more valuable than mine, and how to get the balance back? I am very accommodating to his not replying to suggestions to go out which he replies to 24 hours later with 'sorry, so busy, just saw this now'. He is only a friend so I don't really care, and I certainly don't want him to think I do! However, he calls me, when he wants. I don't want to be an arse and not pick up/play him at his own game as I think that will destroy our friendship. The latest thing, which REALLY took the biscuit, was that I was passing his 'workspace' (he works for himself, and is constantly suggesting I meet him down there for coffee, for some reason, maybe to look popular...) so I phoned as my meeting was cancelled. He didn't pick up, as expected, so just texted to say I was in the neighbourhood, and his reply was "I'm not there, I told you before, I need 24 hours notice." I don't give a f&ck if he was there or not, I was just passing, so held back replying from same. Also held back from saying "I have no need to make appointments to see you" and, by the same token, "perhaps you could treat my messages and phone calls with the same courtesy I treat yours". But I don't think I can let this go. I haven't contacted him but I know he'll get in touch soon suggesting something, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Just bought his bloody xmas present too. I just feel he takes me for granted. Sorry for ramble, need someone with a good interest in psychoanalysis to work this one out for me. Not as simple as 'cut him off' or YABU, to me?!

ijustwannadance Mon 06-Nov-17 12:55:29

He thinks he is far more important than you.

Stop answering his calls straight away. Tell him you are too busy to meet without 24 hours notice. Set your phone so it goes straight to answer machine when it's him.

Or just tell him to his face he's taking the piss.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Mon 06-Nov-17 12:55:50

You sound way overinvested. Nobody has to reply to texts unless or until they want to, and can make calls as they choose. If you don't want to answer, don't.

But since you clearly loathe him, why is it an issue?

HeebieJeebies456 Mon 06-Nov-17 12:55:58

I don't want to be an arse and not pick up/play him at his own game as I think that will destroy our friendship

You don't have a friendship of any value.....and this is exactly what you need to do - or just block his number and never contact him again.

Pouncival Mon 06-Nov-17 12:57:32

He sounds rude and full of his own pissing importance - you’re friends with him why?

StatueInTheSky Mon 06-Nov-17 12:58:34

he sounds like a prick

I suggest you get on with your life, preferably doing lots of things you know he would love to join in with and then when he says he could have come with you, you can do a tinkly little laugh and say "oh well it is SUCH a shame you are always so busy, it was a last minute thing, and I would never want to give you anything less than a week's notice" ...lather rinse repeat.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 06-Nov-17 13:00:04

He's not a friend- there's your answer.

How you deal with that if up to you! Either drop him, or treat him as he treats you in which case the friendship will soon be gone anyway.

Whocansay Mon 06-Nov-17 13:01:17

He is a self important arse.
That reply would have angered me. I wouldn't be picking up the phone to him again until I'd got an apology. He thinks he's doing you a favour by being friends with you. You do know that he isn't really a friend? No friend behaves like that.

JeansandJumpers Mon 06-Nov-17 13:10:10

Thanks for your responses.
FYI- our friendship was great, and reciprocal, until he started this shit recently. If it comes across as loathing him, well, I didn't, but I am certainly angry and questioning it at the moment. I think on evaluating the options presented, I shall be otherwise engaged for at least a month anyway!! It was good to get that off my chest.

JeansandJumpers Mon 06-Nov-17 13:11:49

Oh - statueinthesky - that's the approach I prefer, thank you!

mmzz Mon 06-Nov-17 13:16:04

There is no good excuse for that reply. If it were me I'd either text him to say "You owe me an apology for your rudeness" or wait until he gets on touch and then say it. Either way, there is no going forward until he recognises that people who speak to their friends like that, don't deserve to have friends.
For the rest, I suspect he is just caught up with his new life. In a way it's good that he had so completely crossed the line as it gives you a chance to remind him where it is drawn

MyrtleMaracas Mon 06-Nov-17 13:30:46

I have a cousin like this, always too busy to reply to texts and emails yet expects everyone to drop things when they are free. It's weird, I don't know why some people think their time is more valuable than others.
You don't have to play him at his own game out of bitterness, just back off a bit, if he rings ignore it sometimes, answer it sometimes. Be casual. If he arranges to meet, say you're busy let him have to make an effort.

Bringmewineandcake Mon 06-Nov-17 13:32:18

I probably would have responded to that last message with “alright your majesty, I was in the area and thought I’d see if you were free. I won’t bother next time!!” You’re not psychic and he is an asshat but you need to tell him he’s an asshat otherwise he won’t realise grin

browneyes77 Mon 06-Nov-17 13:35:24

I don't want to be an arse and not pick up/play him at his own game as I think that will destroy our friendship

Sometimes you have to play people at their own game to get the message across. Sometimes they need to understand how it feels to be treated that way, in order for them to change their behaviour towards you.

You don’t have to be an arse to him, but I would certainly start ‘missing’ a few of his calls and advising him you are busy at times.

Although this isn’t a relationship, there is a piece of advice I’ve had for relationships that can apply here. That is, don’t be so available to him. Sometimes people don’t appreciate things until they don’t have them anymore. You are always available to him, he is rarely available to you. Don’t just drop everything when he calls and wants a chat or asks to meet. Tell him you need more notice at times. Leave some of his calls if you are busy and text him after to say you’re not available to talk.

You don’t have to ignore him all the time, that would be petty if you want to keep his friendship, but just make yourself less available sometimes so that he maybe appreciates your friendship a bit more.

Alternatively, if he’s a good friend, why not just talk to him about his behaviour and tell him why it frustrates you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 06-Nov-17 13:36:44

It isn't playing games to mirror his behaviour.

Are you genuinely always immediately available to drop whatever you are doing to chat/respond? Surely not.

I'd say mirroring is healthy, not game playing, when someone is behaving in a way that places you as their inferior if you don't mirror. Often it is all that's needed to make the other person catch themselves on (or for you to realise they aren't worth the effort).

LazyDailyMailJournos Mon 06-Nov-17 13:36:52

Just don't respond to his next message or call. And if he chases then reply saying that you were busy and didn't have time to speak to him. Leave it at that - and find better friends.

JeansandJumpers Mon 06-Nov-17 14:10:21

I do appreciate all the insights, I'm feeling less angry. We are both new in town so neither of us has many other friends. I do have a lot of interests and acquaintances and keep busy. He is all about 'work', and, in fairness, he is probably under more time pressures than me. I'm glad you agree that he was rude though. I'll give him a wide berth for a while and mention it when appropriate. (not rushing to shop to return his xmas present just yet...)

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