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To go and stay with my dad

(56 Posts)
horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 11:40:33

I have a weird relationship with my dad. We were extremely close until I was about 14, and then my mum died and my dad started behaving very strangely after that and I stayed with my grandma for a bit, then after she died I stayed with various friends.

My dad never seemed very interested in anything that was going on, but he did give me money and he was kind when we did see each other which was usually a couple of times a year.

My dh HATES my dad, because when I met dh I was technicaly homeless. I had a job as a carer and it involved sleeping at the clients house so I was never actually on the streets but had no fixed address. Dh says my dad is pathetic, excuse for a parent, not interested in me, and so on.

Anyway we have a baby. My dad hasn't met him yet and hasn't really shown that much interest. But he did say I could go and stay with him and his partner.

I really want to but Dh says he frobids it. That it's not fair on the baby, that I should focus on our family.

what do you think?

ButchyRestingFace Mon 06-Nov-17 11:43:01

Is your husband quite controlling in other ways?

Your father doesn't sound that great, tbh. But this could be a way to build bridges with him.

TheCatsMother99 Mon 06-Nov-17 11:46:13

Dh says he frobids it

I can't imagine my DH forbidding anything unless it was genuinely dangerous etc. Your DH's behaviour sounds concerning.

No harm will come of you or your baby by visiting your dad although I think it sad he hasn't shown any interest thus far.

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 11:48:17

He can be a bit controlling, I suppose ... he has a few things where I am supposed to tow the line. But my friends think he's right here as the baby is his child too.

BarbarianMum Mon 06-Nov-17 11:48:38

I don't know about forbidding but I can certainly see why he doesn't want to open his child up to the sort of hot/cold relationship you've had with your dad. A one-off visit won't hurt (baby will be unaware) but then what? I think you need to talk to your dp a bit about how you see the relationship progressing.

BarbarianMum Mon 06-Nov-17 11:49:20

X?posts. Controlling is not good. In what way do you have to "tow the line"?

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 11:50:45

Dh says I'll just be hurt, that I should forget about my dad and just focus on what I've got with him, our baby and any other children we might have. But I still love my dad and I'm so sad that we hardly talk. I feel so confused as Dh says my dad doesn't love me, doesn't care about me, and I can see why he says this but I think he does. Maybe I'm just kidding myself though.

PinkHeart5914 Mon 06-Nov-17 11:51:44

He is wrong to forbid it but I can see your dh point your father wasn’t great, I mean could you even imagine treating your baby the way your father was with you?

Your father barely wanted to know when you were a child no doubt grieving for her Mum, I wouldn’t waste my time with him personally!

Your baby is here, if your dad wanted to see him. Why hasn’t he?

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 11:55:19

Hard to explain ... it's like his way is the high way and all I am allowed to do is complain about it and he'll listen for a set amount of time and then be like do it anyway.

It's hard to think of specific things. I feel like I've got more confidence now so I notice little things. But then I think that I only have confidence because of him anyway so I am being unfair. He is a wonderful dad and husband.

Kochicoo Mon 06-Nov-17 11:55:56

I agree that it might be an opportunity to build a better relationship with your Dad and potentially, it could be a great thing for your baby to grow up with another grandparent in their life.

We obviously don't know the whole history but it does sound concerning that your DH wants to forbid something which may be of benefit to you. Is he maybe a bit insecure about you building a relationship with your Dad?

OpalIridescence Mon 06-Nov-17 11:56:22

I'm really sorry, sounds very hard.

Why do you think your DH is so against your visit?
Why should your focus only be on him and what he agrees to?

Your partner sounds awful. If someone loves you they should hope for you and encourage you to explore relationships with your family. The very least loving thing they could do is forbid it or say such hurtful things as your dad doesn't love you.
I am so sorry again, your dad and your DH should support you not be choosing to wound you.

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 12:00:12

It's because he hates my dad so much. When I met dh I was in a mess, because I didn't have a fixed address and this led to so many problems and also obviously I was very lonely and scared.

Like once I had to go to the house of a girl i'd known at school as I remembered her mum as being kind, and asked if I could use their shower. I lied and said ours was broken. She just said of course I could. I don't know if she knew the truth, or not. And there was other stuff as well which I've told dh about, and he goes mad and says he would kill the fucking bastard if he could and then I have to calm him down but sometimes I get upset.

It wasn't totally my dads fault, it was various stuff going on. But dh basically sees some bad stuff that happened as my dad's fault.

Thymeout Mon 06-Nov-17 12:05:16

The important person here is you. You want to have a relationship with your dad, however intermittent. You've accepted that that is how things are. You'd like to introduce him to your baby. He's invited you come for a visit. Do you think you'd enjoy it? Or would it leave you dissatisfied and wanting more? Would it make you more unhappy if you made a complete break with him?

I think your DH should stay out of this. It's not going to affect his life, or your baby's life. It's very unlikely that the relationship will blossom into frequent visits. But you will still be in touch, and that is important to you. As far as ds goes, he will know he has a grandad who he doesn't see very often. Just one of those things, nothing to make a big emotional drama out of.

The idea that your DH should think he can 'forbid' it is worrying. He has no right whatsoever to lay down the law over this.

OliviaBenson Mon 06-Nov-17 12:07:33

Wow, that sounds horrendous. I can't decide whether your DH is being controlling but what strikes me is that your friends think the same.

Why should you go to the effort if your dad was never prepared to? What is it you would like to get out of a visit? He's not ever going to be a father and grandfather that you want him to be.

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 12:10:45

I know he's not, but he can be very loving as well, or he was when I was younger.

Dh says he does have the right because he is detached and I am not.

HeebieJeebies456 Mon 06-Nov-17 12:20:35

I don't think your husband is being controlling at all - he's got the measure of your dad and you don't like facing the reality of it.
You obviously don't agree with your dh as you still have a rose tinted, ideal view of your dad - you need to look at his behaviour through your new eyes as a parent.

Your dad ABANDONED you when YOU were a child!
He was probably neglectful and a shit dad even when your mum was alive - she probably covered up for him.
Your grandma had to step in and look after you despite her age/condition because he could not be arsed.
When she died - where was your so-called loving, devoted dad?
As a child you had to rely on the kindness of strangers to survive - what kind of parent throws his child into the wilderness like that?

It's easy to throw money about and say 'but i'm doing my bit as a dad' - but we all know that in reality being a good parent is about more than that.
Is it any wonder that you've had no stability or security as an adult - until you met you dh?
Is it any wonder that emotionally you're still stuck in that child-like phase of wanting your dad's love and approval despite everything he's not done?

You might share genetics with this man - but that's about it.
Why haven't you discussed his abandonment of you?
Or the fact that he has been mainly absent throughout your entire life to date?

I suggest you seek some professional help - like counselling - to understand what happened and come to terms with it before involving him in your childs life.
You can have a separate relationship with your dad until you feel ready to involve him further in yours.

JamPasty Mon 06-Nov-17 12:22:57

He absolutely doesn't have the right to tell you whether house can see your own dad or not. Are you sure he's not just trying g to distance you from your family, which is something many controlling people do, as it makes you more dependent on them.

JamPasty Mon 06-Nov-17 12:23:18

You, not house!!

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 12:25:31

My dad wasn't a shit dad when my mum was alive, he covered for her, if anything. Sometimes. If I ever see anybody from the town I grew up in they say what a lovely man he was, how they wish that he was their dad. Honestly, they do. That tells you how lovely he is really.

I don't know Jam i don'tknow what to think about any of it! I'm tempted to tell them both to f*ck off lol!

Laserbird16 Mon 06-Nov-17 12:31:03

What do you want? Do you want to have a relationship with your dad? You say your dad hasn't shown much interest in the baby and yet he has invited you to stay so maybe this is his way of trying to build a relationship with you? However, look after yourself as realistically maybe your dad isn't capable of being the father you wish for. Can you accept a relationship with him where he may let you down again?

As for your DH, any reasonable partner would listen to your thoughts on this situation and accept your decision to see your dad or not. If your DH still forbids you and you want to see your dad, I would give careful thought as to why you don't get a say in your life. You've been through so much at such a young age and people who should have been looking out for you failed. This can really knock your self esteem, some people will take advantage of this. Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself. Also don't be afraid to do this on your own terms. Your dad needs to build the relationship with you. Maybe start with a visit rather than staying, dad comes to you etc.

You have a young baby - congratulations! - what you want comes first

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 12:32:13

My dad can't come here, my husband wouldn't let him.

jay55 Mon 06-Nov-17 12:34:09

Really sounds like your partner is trying to isolate you.

horsesflybynight Mon 06-Nov-17 12:36:32

Sometimes I wonder that but then it's always so reasonable and fair that I think he can't be. Then I think he is again and then I think I'm talking nonsense.

My friends say our baby is dh's baby too. So he has the right to say where the baby goes.

BarbarianMum Mon 06-Nov-17 12:38:40

Well does your dp try to stop you seeing anyone except your dad? If he doesn't, then he's not trying to isolate you.

Laserbird16 Mon 06-Nov-17 12:39:28

Have you had any counselling? Having some outside professional advice couldn't do any harm.

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