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Ex decides to join in on my hobby

(14 Posts)
FlippingFlaps Mon 06-Nov-17 10:41:49

I have a hobby I've been involved in for a while. It's not uncommon but not something loads of people are interested in.

My ex was abusive. I left him several years ago but we have DC so I can't remove him completely from my life and he regularly tries to find new ways to control me or make life more difficult. Although we do face to face handovers after contact we don't really speak and all correspondence is by email as I've had so many problems with him in the past and I am not comfortable in his presence for obvious reasons.

I've found out that he's now interested in joining in on my hobby. There's only one group locally and that's the one I'm part of. There aren't even a dozen of us in it.

What can I do? Most of the people there don't know about my past with him. I don't want to seem unhinged by insisting he can't join in. Can I even stop him? AIBU to speak to the others and let them know about the situation? He will try to make out I'm the one causing problems if I try to get in the way of him taking part.

Chloe1984 Mon 06-Nov-17 10:46:10

Wow, what a pain in the arse! I would ‘leave’, expect him soon to follow then re-join once he’s gone. I don’t imagine it would take long.

Fishface77 Mon 06-Nov-17 10:48:50

I would tell them the truth.
That you don't want him to join and why.
He's deliberately invading your safe places.

SilverSpot Mon 06-Nov-17 10:50:16

I would tell them the truth.

Me too.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 06-Nov-17 10:50:22

They know you, they don't know him, you are the one who will get the benefit of the doubt. Unless you have been a complete loon within your hobby group, which I assume you haven't.

Tbh though I laughed a tiny bit because I thought what an excellent wind up on you by a total twatbadger. Of course he won't join the hobby, he's not actually interested in the hobby, he wants to put the wind up you, get you all of a spin. It had worked. If you try to block his entry he will probably put more effort into joining, if only for a couple of weeks, because he will be getting the reward of getting a rise out of you.

Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. If anyone in the hobby group mentions it say something bland like "My ex-husband wants to hang out with us here? That's a surprise, oh well, I'm sure it will be fine." They will read between the lines themselves.

How did you even find out?

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Nov-17 10:52:39

I've found out that he's now interested in joining in on my hobby.

Who told you this?

CoraPirbright Mon 06-Nov-17 10:58:54

How annoying of the manipulative bastard!! I would be upfront with your hobby friends and tell them what you have told us here. You don’t have to go into any detail that would make you feel uncomfortable but just outline the EA and tell them that you would really really rather he didn’t join.

VioletCharlotte Mon 06-Nov-17 11:07:56

As others have said, talk to the people who run the group and explain the situation. I'm sure they'll be sympathetic as they won't want bad feeling in the group.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 06-Nov-17 11:09:47

He will try to make out I'm the one causing problems if I try to get in the way of him taking part. He did this to himself. he doesnt get to abuse you then try to socialise with you.
Tell your group you aren't comfortable with him joining, and that if he did you would be forced to leave. Most people will be astute enough to understand that and you shouldn't have to go into details.

littlebird7 Mon 06-Nov-17 11:16:52

I would talk to the group and tell them what you have told us, and how much you value the hobby and group. I am pretty sure they will not want him to join, but if they have to allow it for some reason, you can leave and come back once he has stopped going, after all he is only doing this to get to you and if you are not there he won't be able to.

I wouldn't like to be him sitting in your place in your hobby group, with your friends for the evening after you have told them the truth grin

DaemonPantalaemon Mon 06-Nov-17 11:17:23

Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. If anyone in the hobby group mentions it say something bland like "My ex-husband wants to hang out with us here? That's a surprise, oh well, I'm sure it will be fine." They will read between the lines themselves

OP, please don't do this. It is never a good idea to use passive aggressive shit like this when you are dealing with an abusive ex where it is important to set clear boundaries. Please don't go this way. Not only is passive aggression a ridiculous tool to deploy in this situation, it would be incredibly hard for anyone to "read between" the sparse lines you have been offered here smile

There is better advice here. You know he is controlling and that he was abusive. Take your fellow hobbyists into your confidence, and stop it before it starts. Good luck!

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Mon 06-Nov-17 11:21:25

Carry on and just ignore him. He’ll soon get bored of watching you have a good time. It’s obvious he’s only joining your group to get to you, don’t let him. Show him through your complete lack of interest in him that you are so much stronger than he anticipated.

ReanimatedSGB Mon 06-Nov-17 11:35:08

Definitely tell the group organisers that this man is your abusive ex and you do not want him to join. Unfortunately there is a possibility that they may not support you, though this might depend on the group, its constitution etc. (Most hobby groups are allowed to refuse people membership if they find the person unacceptable, 'being a domestic abuse perpetrator' is not a protected characteristic.)
If you are a popular and long-standing member of the group they should value you enough to reject this man's application to join.

FlippingFlaps Mon 06-Nov-17 11:35:33

Thanks for the advice.

I found out from someone who mentioned it in passing and who didn't realise the implications.

I think I will have to be honest and say I don't want him there. If he started he wouldn't just give up after a couple of weeks. I know him. He probably wouldn't always come but he would stay on and would try to get friendly with people and show what a great man he is.

It is about invading my space and my life. There's been a constant stream of low level stuff but this is more invasive.

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