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AIBU?

To need advice when having 23year olds living at home!

18 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 06/11/2017 10:34

I am so upset as i type this and have tried to speak to hubby, but to no avail.

My daughters boyfriend came to stay this weekend. He was clearly in a bad mood today as he had talked to his Mum and it had desended into an argument. She was rude to him and he in turn answered her back. His brother owed him money and that again caused him to be fed up.
My daughter had arranged for him and her to meet up with some friends and they let them down at the last moment. I was getting on with my day. Infact i was painting my nails in the back room.
Well my daughter flew down the stairs and shouted at him 'well what are we going to do today'. She was bloody rude!
He snapped and went out for a bit to the high street and he picked up some milk for me.
The rest of the day has now been ruined as she is upset and has consequently taken out her upset on me. My husband has just gone out of his way to be akward and basically be contrary to anything said. She has inturn exaggerated everything and basically been rude to me. I now find out from hubby that she has text her boyfriend and said 'thanks to you im getting bombarded with questions'. I am beyond words as all i asked her about 4 hours later was if she was ok and had she receied a text from him. I went to sit on her bed to be nice and show some support and she basically told me to p* off. So i'm sitting her really upset and fed up. I now look like some mum who gets over involved and im not. I have keep myself to myself all day watched strictly on catch up and done a few arrands and i have been treated like this
apparently he is so cross with me that he is sending me a text not to ask questions. (He hasnt actually done this and i dont think he will)

Advice on what to do next as i am so angry myself now and i do not want to inflame anything but i also do not want to have people be rude to me or about me.

OP posts:

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Ilovelampandchair · 06/11/2017 10:38

They're like a pair of 16 yr olds.

Be careful not to overstep the mark with asking if everything is ok, not really your business and might exasperate just a bad couple of days between them. You seem to know more about the situation and background that you really should.

But DD is acting like a teenage brat. If she's staying at home at her age she needs to behave like an adult and treat her parents with respect.

brasty · 06/11/2017 10:41

Truthfully, I would be talking to her about moving out. I do think adults who have always lived at home, sometimes get stuck into still relating to their parents as a teenager does, rather than an adult. Give her 6 months to move out, and stick to it.

Migraleve · 06/11/2017 10:44

God an out of proportion argument. You don’t need to do anything next. Let them sort their own shit out. Tell her to stop dragging you into it.

Icecreamlover63 · 06/11/2017 10:52

I agree with you i didnt want to be dragged into this in the first place. Honestly i ended up sitting down the garden with my husband in his shed! I completly understand it must be akward for DD to have somehwere to vent and have an arguement but when i was in that situation we went and sat in a car somewhere and talked. I did not inflict it on my parents. I did not go prying for information on why they had an argument just heard it.
All i want is to be appreciated and it does not look like it is going to happen any time soon. I was in bed last night reading a book and heard her say to BF she was living in a hellhole!! Can you bloody believe it. So p**d off right now.

OP posts:

Ilovelampandchair · 06/11/2017 10:54

Time for her to move out OP!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2017 10:56

She shouldn't live in a hell hole. She should live in her own place. She is an adult. I'd tell her to start looking for a flat share pronto.

Why is she living in your house unhappily instead of a place of her own at 23?

Aderyn17 · 06/11/2017 11:09

She is being a right cheeky bitch. Fact is, if she is living in your house, she shouldn't be having loud arguments with her bf, making you feel awkward in your own house and having to hide out in the shed!
You did nothing wrong in asking her if she is okay - that is what good parents do. If she doesn't want to be asked, then she needs to make sure you are not in the position of overhearing her relationship problems.
Don't accept being spoken to like shit. I have similar aged dc and if I heard them refer to my home as a hellhole I would knock on their door and tell them they are free to leave anytime they want, but all the time they choose to stay, they need to kerp a civil tongue in their head or the chouce to stay will no longer be theirs.

My sis tries this on with my parents. She is now getting her own flat. There comes a time when moving out really is the best way for your kids to learn appreciation. At the moment she is still in kid mode and taking you for granted while still behaving like a stroppy teen.

BeachyKeen · 06/11/2017 12:09

Why is she still living at home at 23? If they both work, why can't they get their own little place?

Icecreamlover63 · 06/11/2017 13:37

Believe me the shed was a positive option.
Today she has turned all her bad temper on me. She is not talking to me and as i came downstairs she stropped off and went upstairs and is currently sitting in her room. I have purposly said nothing to either of them as i do not want to put my DD in the middle, I have just kept out of everything. My husband is livid and is going to read the riot act this Friday. He too is p**d off. We both understand people have rows gosh we do, what couple dosen't however take it elsewhere and do not shout at anyone in front of me or my husband.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2017 13:47

Er, what?

Your DD is refusing to talk to you in your own home and you are not saying anything because you don't want her to be in the middle? She's not in the middle. This is between her and you. No-one else. Your problem is her behaviour towards you.

So why all the Big Men talk? You are going to get a Big Man to tell off the person who has been mean to you (in 4 days time!). You are excusing her shitty treatment of you because she's angry with a Big Man.

What total surrendered wife bollocks. Are you really so surrendered to Big Men that you can't go and tell your daughter she will treat you with respect in your own home or she can go elsewhere?

Sienna333 · 06/11/2017 15:00

I am surprised at everyone thinking it is that easy for the DD to move out. Have you all not seen the prices flats are going for these days? Having said that, she has a partner and her behaviour is totally unreasonable. Set some ground rules otherwise she will have to find somewhere else to live.

Birdsgottafly · 06/11/2017 15:10

Tbh, the initial exchange was between an Adult and his Mother, the Mother might just be telling him straight, not "being rude" and it shouldn't be interfered with,by anyone.

"Well my daughter flew down the stairs and shouted at him 'well what are we going to do today'. She was bloody rude!"

Or exasperated,.

He had no business bringing his mood to your house. I think you are overlooking his part, do you do that often? Is that were your DDs anger came from? Why do you think that she is exaggerating everything, rather than see her POV?

Tbh, i have to butt out of my DDs issues with their Partners, because i'm looking at it with very mature eyes and not in the phase that they are.

deepestdarkestperu · 06/11/2017 15:16

I think you and your husband need to sit her down and talk to her. If you're happy to have her living at home (which is normal for 23yo's this days - moving out, even into a flat share, is bloody expensive!) then you need to set some ground rules, even if she is an adult.

If she's going to be in a grown up relationship, then she needs to learn how to behave like a grown up. She doesn't get to have rows with her boyfriend and make you feel awkward in your own home. It's not fair on you, or on the boyfriend.

Either she deals with her arguments privately, or she realises that if she's going to have rows with him in public, then you're entitled to chime in and get involved. She can't have it both ways.

Birdsgottafly · 06/11/2017 15:20

"It's not fair on you, or on the boyfriend."

The Boyfriend turned up at the OPs house in a mood and from what it seems let the DD down.He pissed off out when the DD was trying to arrange their day and the OP even let him buy milk for her (so he had to come back and rub it in the DDs face).

I'd be telling my DD that she is worth more and to not let him take his moods out on her and ruin her day and upset two households (he also argued with his Mother).

brasty · 06/11/2017 16:38

Sienna Why does she have to move into a flat? Rent a room in a shared house.

NewLove · 06/11/2017 16:48

How different the responses are when it isn't a SM complaining about an adult child...

Not a helpful response I know sorry

Aderyn17 · 06/11/2017 16:53

My response would be the same regardless of whether the OP was mum or sm.

Sienna333 · 06/11/2017 18:51

Even renting/sharing a room is bloody expensive these days especially if you are in London/South East. That aside, she can't stay at home if she is behaving like that. My point is it isn't as easy as just moving out because financially that may not be workable although having said that as OP's daughter is in a relationship, it might be doable. OP shouldn't stand for this any longer. It isn't the living at home that is the problem, it is the way she is being treated by her daughter

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