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Brother in abusive relationship, at the end of my tether - AIBU?

(6 Posts)
Tobythecat Mon 06-Nov-17 08:39:30

My brother is a naive, immature 30 year old ( I believe he has ASD) and has been in a relationship for the last 2 years. The wedding is booked, the house is ready to move into, but 2 weeks ago he rang me out of the blue (we aren't close, he doesn't bother with me unless he wants something) to say that his Fiancee was drunk, they argued over my brother smoking again which she doesn't like, and she had locked him out of her house 9 at night, and punched him in the face twice. She had also broken his expensive computer stuff (he works in IT).

He asked to move in with me temporarily until the new house is ready, I said yes. Bearing in mind, they have split up about 15 times in the last 2 years and she has kicked him out, but this is the first time she has been physically violent. He showed me the texts the next day of his Fiancee asking him for forgiveness, saying that it's not like shes punched him before and it's not that big of a deal. She has two kids from a previous relationship, has been married before and doesn't/wont work. Her kids are in ft school.

Myself and my parents have all told him she is toxic and he is doing the right thing etc. I have been giving him some TLC because he seems really down and doesn't say much. I've been doing his washing, bringing him food, making him lunch for work etc.

He has been sneaking out at night and lying to me, telling me he is going to his friends, but I know he is at her house as I've seen the texts on his phone. I was out yesterday and he said he'd be due back around 4. I came home at 6 and he wasn't here. 2 hours later I text him to ask where he was, he said he was out and would be back soon (this was at 11pm). He didn't come home last night, no sign of him this morning. He has work so I don't know if he has called in sick to spend the day with her or if he has gone straight to work from her house.

From the texts she has been sending him ( I know, i'm going to hell for that), she has been threatening suicide, saying she has nothing to live for, that she hates MIL. She has been using the kids against him, saying they are devastated because they can't move into the new house now (they aren't even his kids). She was asking if he would leave the new house to her in his will, he said yes because he still loves her etc. She told him she doesn't want him to be a lonely old man like his father, keeps asking him to come over and to bring her food. Last night her took her to the cinema and for food.

My brother earns good money but is in debt because he has furnished her home, taken them both on expensive holidays, buying her a car, paying for her kids.

I took him in to get him away from her, give him a safe haven and some support. I genuinely thought this was it, as he had been assaulted by her.

I just feel like he's taking the piss out of me, I've been doing everything to help him but he is just throwing it back in my face and lying to me. I don't know what to do. Should I kick him out?

HerOtherHalf Mon 06-Nov-17 08:43:33

He's not taking the piss out of you, he is a victim. It's entirely your choice if and how you support him. If you feel you can't support him for legitimate reasons that's OK but don't turn your back on him out of misplaced spite.

ShatnersWig Mon 06-Nov-17 08:53:15

Sadly, sometimes it is better to let them go and just be there to pick up the pieces afterwards when the scales finally fall from their eyes. Same with alcoholics. Unless or until they want to change or have had enough, there really is nothing you can do for them.

DamsonGin Mon 06-Nov-17 09:00:42

This helpline is helpful to chat to, to get an idea of how you help and understand the situation. Worth a chat, it's for concerned relatives and friends as much as the victims.

WellThisIsShit Mon 06-Nov-17 09:09:14

It’s a bit of a classic isn’t it? Person x confides in family / friend about his/her abusive relationship. Family/friend helps X get away. Which is great until X gets back together with abusive person and then family / friend is cut out due to their involvement and things they’ve said about the abuse.

You can see it happening, and you need to back out before you cause more problems than you’ve solved.

You feeling like you have some kind of right to force your brother to stick to the split as a sort of payment / contract for you having helped him, well... it doesn’t work like that and you cannot impose that upon him.

Frustrating? Yes absolutely! But you cannot do anything about it. He’s a victim of abuse and sadly, it usually takes more than one try to get away.

Julie8008 Mon 06-Nov-17 14:34:52

Seen it before, she is abusing him physically, psychological and probably sexually as well. He will be tormented inside and feel its all his fault, that when she hits him its because she loves him....
All the classic female controlling behavior, saying they will commit suicide (which she wont), using children against him, taking his money, apologizing after the physical violence, controlling him in every way.

One thing you can do is collect any evidence of this abuse (photos of text messages?), ring the police and get the physical abuse on the record. It wont change things for now but when he snaps she will claim it was him abusing her and no one will believe him.

Other than that just be there for him. She will try and cut you out of his life but dont let her, he is the victim.

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