SIL won't see my baby.(769 Posts)
It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.
I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.
I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).
But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.
My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.
Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her
I wouldn't go. I appreciate that infertility is hard, I've been there, but she has a fucking cheek excluding your brothers own niece from his birthday whilst inviting her own.
No kids is one thing? Just not your kid is another thing and you need to speak up.
I can understand why having babies around would be tough for SIL, but why does that not also apply to her side of the family? If it's a 'no children' event fair enough, but it does sound like your daughter is being unfairly singled out.
That's fucking batshit crazy....yr dh needs to have yr back
Yanbu, she is being nasty and your brother should stand up for you. I certainly wouldn't attend and I would be very clear about why not
Why are the children from her side invited, but not your daughter? I would, like you, be very hurt. The 'it's hard for her' explanation doesn't stack up if she's fine with kids from her side of the family. I would decline the invitation and make it clear to your brother why - perhaps he can talk to her and help resolve things.
Is there more to this?
Any chance she could have been pregnant around the same time as you and had a MC, and that’s why your child in particular is too painful for her to spend time with?
She's being mean not to have your 4 month old there if she lets various younger and older kids from her side there.
Be careful though. She sounds like she doesn't like you, regardless of TTC struggles. She could be trying to isolate you from your brother so in your position, I would definitely go. Have you got a dh/dp who could sit in the car with your dd for half and hour so you could show your face and wish your brother a happy birthday even if quickly. Please don't let her do this to you - she will forever poke at him saying "your sister didn't come to your 40th, she clearly doesn't like/respect you". Even though she forced that situation.
I have every sympathy for people going through fertility troubles and think generally their requests should be accommodated. But she clearly hates you as it's only you that can't bring baby.
I’d be finding it difficult not to take this personally.
No children or no babies at all I could understand. But banning your 4 month old baby and inviting other children, including a younger baby? How are you supposed to not take that personally?
I would be furious my daughter was singled out like that. Infertility is horrendous, but singling out just your child is vile. Have a word with your brother.
You need to go back to your brother and tell him how much this hurts you? Ask him how long does he honestly think this exclusion can go on? Will she still be excluding your daughter when she is one year, two years old etc? She is being very unreasonable, especially as it is one rule for you and another rule for her family. Tell your brother that unless DD can attend that you won't be attending.
Give her a break. It will be truly horrific for her to see your baby, you really will never understand how awful tis feels. You've got your lovely baby. Get a babysitter and try to have some empathy x
What's your brother got to say about this? Surely he won't allow his only niece not to be invited when all his wife's nieces and nephews attend.
Can your parents step in?
I think the time has come for your brother to tell his wife that this isn't on. I would be telling my brother that this has to stop, before your dd reaches an age where she notices.
Bloody hell she shouldn’t be projecting her own issues onto a four year old baby!
If there was no children invited then I’d go a bit easier on her but wtf is going to happen when you have another child?
If they don’t conceive is your children going to be excluded from her life??
If it were a celebration for her birthday then she might, if were being generous, have a leg to stand on, but as the celebration is for your brother then she's being very unfair to him, as well as you and your child. If your brother makes the effort with his niece then it's likely that he would want her to be there for the child friendly parts of his celebration.
In your position, I think I'd not say anything and then just take the baby with you on the day. What's she actually going to do about it? If she's already avoiding you, you have nothing to lose, and if she says anything then she'll only make herself look bad. She deserves some understanding, but she doesn't have the right to go that far.
The things is- not all who struggle to conceive behave like this. A friend of mine struggled for three years. But she spoke to me all through my pregnancy. Really wanted to know about everything (despite me being careful not to mention things). She could be sad for herself but happy for me.
What I am trying to say is that she is being immensely unfair and selfish. It is ok to feel jealous and angry. It is not ok to take that jealousy and anger out on others to their detriment.
BUT calling her out in it is not going to go well. Make alternate plans with your brother and when people ask why you weren’t there just explain that your child had been excluded and you didn’t feel comfortable with it. You can let her erase your baby from the wider family to suit her needs.
Small babies are very upsetting to see when a person is having fertility issues, especially if its a younger relation/friend who has had the child. Your SIL will not be able to enjoy her husbands birthday if there is a little baby thier, it will be too heartbreaking for her. You can be without the baby for one night x
The big part of this weekend will be his surprise birthday so it's unfortunate I cannot mention this to him until after wards.
We were very very good friends before this, we used to go out for meal and drinks just us before I fell pregnant. I feel sorry for my daughter as she really smiles and giggles away at my brother. She does look rather like him as we look very alike outselves which must be hard.
They are the only family that live within a 3 hour drive from us and used to be around all the time.
My brother doesn't really understand emotions well. He has often just blanked out at times that are hard.
NannyOggsKnickers You'll never understand how awful it is for some people so try not to judge x
Also my baby is ebf so I cannot go for long without feeding her and haven't expressed yet. So if I wanted to go I would have to pop in and leave her with my partner in the car.
She sounds spiteful op.
Considering there's other children and babies going, I would be inclined to still go AND bring my baby.
She shouldn't cause a seen, she would look batshit crazy and definitely unreasonable.
I can understand if there were no kids invited as it is so very hard, maybe she finds your baby harder to deal with as presumably when they started ttc she was sure she would give the first grandchild to your side of the family (there were already some her side). I wouldn’t take it personally although know it’s hard I’ve been in both sides of this. Is there a way that your brother can go alone?
get a babysitter and have some empathy have you read the thread Sheila ?? There are younger babies there from TBD SIL's side, it's not even her birthday. This isn't am infertility issue it's an issue with the SIL being a bitch!!
Go and take your dd and fuck your SIL
No Sheila but everyone is going through something. Do we all have the right to stick it to others to relieve our pain?
Another poster made a good point- what happens when the child is old enough to realise what is going on. What a fucking awful thing to do to a child by making them understand that you essentially wish they didn’t exist.
It is possible to be sad for yourself and not be a twat to others. Just because people are in emotional pain doesn’t give them the right to make another persons life difficult. Where would that spiral end?
I guess the thing is, reasonable or not, what would be personally offended achieve? Do you want her to feel bad? I can see why that would be satisfying, but it's not going to help you forge a closer relationship, is it? I think you have to work out what the best outcome under the circumstances is - and that might be never seeing her again. But if that's not it then accusing her of having a personal animus towards your child isn't going to be productive.
She's invited a one month old sheila and it's OPs brother's birthday, not SILs so most important that HE enjoys it. With HIS whole family too.
She's obviously having a really really tough time so I would not take it personally. It's not personal.
She's being unreasonable. You know this. Your brother knows this. She probably knows this. The question is what to do about it.
I also wondered if your pregnancy coincided with a pregnancy that she lost. That would explain why she's focusing her hurt on your daughter.
I'm trying to think what on earth I would do in your shoes....Speak to your brother? Worst case scenario none of you go.
She's being very unreasonable. But... horrible as this is for you, it's almost certainly worse for her.
I’ve had major fertility issues with many fertility treatments which failed and miscarriages. Pregnancy announcements and newborn babies broke my heart a little BUT you know what I did I smiled, congratulated and went home and had a little cry in private with my oh not exclude family from get togethers or refuse to talk to someone because they are lucky enough to be blessed with a baby. I wouldn’t wish fertility problems on anyone. If you had a baby or not she’d (like me) still have fertility issues. I think you should be sensitive to it but imo she’s out of order not inviting you.
If she is including a 1 month old it isn't about babies being too hard to bear, she is being very unreasonable.
And as for suggestions to just take the baby, that would be horrendous and make the night true key miserable for her. Either make alternative arrangements with a baby sitter and express or don’t go.
But the point here is that she has babies and children from HER side of the family but is excludings OPs baby! If she has a problem or gets upset around babies etc why are her family’s going to be there?!
All the posters who are saying that the OP should have some sympathy with SIL, did you miss the part where OP wrote that there would be a one month old from SIL's side of the family??
If it's a whole weekend long event and you can't talk to your brother because it's a surprise then personally I think you should just turn up with DD. Are other members of your family going to be there? If so you can turn to them for support.
Just go- what's she going to do? She can hardly admit on front of everyone that she randomly excluded you from your own brother's party!
That’s incredibly mean of your SIL!! Don’t go and tell your brother why you’re upset. He should be having words with her as if he accepts it, it’s like setting a precedent.
I get she’s upset but life is not always kind, unfortunately, and you are family and shouldn’t have to suffer her upset when you’ve done nothing.
Why would open not take her baby? There are younger babies invited, it's not sil's birthday. No way, make a stand on this now, she doesn't have to see her but she doesn't get to exclude a family member, no fucking way
sheila sorry I disagree with you completely. Infertility is exceptionally hard, believe me I know. But aiming that pain and anger at another person just because in the lottery of life they have not experienced the pain of infertility is appalling behaviour. Especially as the nieces and nephews from SIL side of the family have not been excluded. How can you explain that?
OP - do you think this behaviour could be due to you having the first grandchild on your side of the family?
Just go and take the baby with you
She’s being batshit crazy and it’s not about her , it’s your brothers birthday
I think at some point - perhaps after this birthday, whatever you decide to do - you need a really open and honest chat with your brother. One possibility - and I obviously am not saying this is the case, as I have no way of knowing - is that she finds something about the way you talk about your child less sensitive than her own family. I have fertility problems and there is one particular friend that I just can't see because she is so smug about her child, and can talk about nothing but them. I can deal fine with all the other parents of young children in my life, but not her. There might also be other factors - eg all of hers have fertility struggles, but that yours came very easily. I'm not saying that's at all fair of her, but while it wouldn't justify her different attitude it might explain it.
The OP has already said in her updates that the baby looks just like her brother (i.e. looks like what the SIL's baby would look like if she had one). I expect she's seen a photo, and the likeness to too hard to bear.
I think people on here should cut the SIL some slack. And I think the OP should just explain that she will be unable to go as the baby is EBF.
shs a bitch its nothing to do with your dd sh wants to exclude you
Just take the baby with you, it’s not as if she’ll kick you out with the rest of the family's kids running about/being there
I lost my last baby at 16 weeks, it was very hard, my brothers girlfriend was pregnant at the same time and had her baby 4 months later. Even though it was hard I brought a present etc and would never consider excluding this child from anything, it wasn’t her fault I had a miscarriage.
Your sil sounds crazy.
Nocabbageinmyeye you're right sorry I didnt read it properly - There will be a month old baby there anyway. Well she's jealous isn't she, I would take the baby round to her house before hand to meet her. It might be a bit upsetting for her but she will get over it after seeing the baby xxx good luck
Can you speak to your parents about it?
If children from her side of the family are invited then the excuse that it would be upsetting for her to have your dd there is quite frankly bullshit.
I maybe come at this from a different biased perspective as my brother died before at 36 and i would give anything to have been able to celebrate his 40th birthday with him.
I think you should just all go and feign ignorance/confusion/misunderstanding about dd not being invited if its mentioned.
Out of interest, how did she tell you you couldn't bring DD, and that it was too hard for her? Text, conversation?
Of course she’s behaving badly. But the OP either confronting her or turning up with the baby isn’t going to help anything.
Just make other plans. Better plans. Go and enjoy your husband and baby.
Keep the moral high ground.
It's not up to your SIL if you take your baby to your brother's birthday party.
I would just like to say, I recently lost a baby and still organised a baby shower for a work collegue - I even made a cake! But I was inwardly deverstated x
This is SO hard. None of us know what SIL is going through or has gone through. I've very recently had a MMC and would seriously struggle to see a baby that looked like my DH. Other babies not so much... OP can you just have a chat with her seeing as you were obviously friends at one point?
I would take the baby round to her house before hand to meet her. It might be a bit upsetting for her but she will get over it after seeing the baby
I think this is very optimistic, given what OP describes. It's much more likely that SIL will be furious that she was put in this position.
You need to go and take your baby. Your SiL is behaving atrociously and this is for your brother, not her.
I think you need to phone her and ask her why you cannot bring your baby. I understand that infertility is horribly painful, but she seems to be making this personal.
I think it’s also quite possible that your SIL lost a pregnancy that would have been the same age as your baby. I’ve been there and seeing a child exactly the same age as yours should have been is particularly hard. At the time (not long after baby should have been born) I found it very hard seeing a friend’s baby that was the same age, but one 2 months younger - that was oddly easier - so give her a little bit of slack. I don’t however think she’s being reasonable, despite the above - there are situations you just have to grin and bear. I do think you would be cruel to just turn up with your DD, so f you can express and get baby sitter this time I would. Then try to talk to her about it so it doesn’t keep happening?
I was going to sympathise with your sil but seems like yours is the only baby she is objecting to. And in that case it is mean of her. Somebody needs to tell her she is completely out of order. Sounds like she is very resentful of you and your baby and this is really a very unhealthy attitude. Somebody should have a word with her. Excluding your DD from family events at the age of 4 months is downright mean.
An impossible situation, I'd not go to the party and explain exactly why to your brother afterwards. Maybe arrange to do something really nice with him (if you are feeling charitable you could invite SIL, safe in the knowledge she won't come) on a later date to celebrate his birthday?
As tempting as it would be to kick off, this woman is likely to be your SIL for a while, so maybe do what you can to be civil for the sake of the future?
OP yanbu. I would do as others have suggested go, with your partner and DD. SIL is hardly going to chuck you out on the night and surely your DB would want you there. I was really hurt to have to decline an invitation to my cousin's wedding because no children were allowed. I was breastfeeding my DS at the time and the wedding was in a different country so no option at all regarding childcare. It transpired all my cousin's new bride's family were there, including children and babies. You should just go!
To those saying 'Just turn up with the baby' this is the most passive aggressive advice I've ever seen on MN
I would be tempted to go, bring your baby, and book a babysitter to be with you to look after DD away from the party. Expensive, but means you can take part in the celebrations and carry on feeding your DD. Also makes it very obvious to every one how blatantly your DD is being excluded. SILs position is unworkable. She is feeling pain but that doesn’t trump everything else.
Nanny care. It will change your life.
Get baby off of Cows Milk Formula
I had similar feelings before able to have DD. I could not be in the same room as any child under a year because they were in the baby stage and it was so hard. This is why I think your sil is being completely ufair because she can have a 1 month old around but not your 4 month old. Is it possible this is an excuse to have a go at you? I cant fathom why she can't see your DD.
Because it's a surprise party and you can't talk to your brother in advance, I'd just go with DD and your DH. You don't need to stay all night, if you genuinely are concerned that DD's presence will upset SIL. I do wonder if you don't go, you will regret it.
There are other babies and children going, so not an adult only party.
I wouldn't normally propose going against the invite but you can't spoil the surprise, it's your brother's 40th birthday and it's SIL doing the inviting.
Just out of curiosity, who issued the invitation to you? I'm assuming SiL didn't call and personally tell you not to bring your DD. It's a surprise for DB, so he didn't. If it was your parents what is their feelings about excluding their DGD?
I disagree with posters saying to just show up with DD. If I were OP I'd decline the invitation and when my brother asked me why I wasn't there, I'd explain that his wife didn't want my child there, despite asking her nieces/nephews from her side.
I have a feeling it's more about wanting 'her family' to have a bigger place in their lives than your family.
Infertility is heartbreaking. I know as it took me 7 years to conceive. But punishing an innocent baby by trying to push them out of their family and exclude them is evil. Sorry but if this were my baby I wouldn't be going and I'd tell anyone who asked exactly why.
I was wondering - are you yourself very young? Again, that would in no way justify her behaviour, but I was wondering if she feels like your pregnancy is somehow less 'fair' than, say, her older siblings. Or was yours very obviously unplanned?
Another one who thinks you should just go and take your dd. She cant pick and choose which babies she is ok with. Madness.
Having recently lost a baby myself - call her, take the baby round to meet her just the three of you before the party. Please dont turn up to her husbands birthday with the baby until shes met it. X
I don't think you're being unreasonable! Since she has invited babies from her side of the family, it would be completely and utterly wrong for her to exclude you and your child who is your parents only grandchild and her husband's obviously very much loved niece given that he comes to see her as much as possible.
I'm struggling to conceive after a loss 18 months ago, but my sadness doesn't overshadow the joy of others, your daughter is a much loved member of your family and your SIL has no right to exclude only her from a milestone birthday, what do your parents think of the situation?
No one knows what’s in the SIL’s mind. Perhaps she doesn’t like the Op anyway or perhaps she wanted to be the one that had the first grandchild on that side of the family. It’s unacceptable that the OP’s dd is the only child excluded. I wouldn’t go to the party at all.
@sheila, I am very sorry for your loss and your argument would be valid if it wasn't for the fact that SIL is inviting her nieces and nephews including a one month old baby from get side of the family,
I really think if she turns up with DD having been told it'll upset SIL she'll never see her -and possibly even her brother - again. Everyone's assuming she won't say anything in public - she might, and if she gets very visibly upset and makes it clear that that you were specifically asked not to bring her then that's going to be a very uncomfortable situation for everyone. It will also absolutely ruin your brother's birthday.
We struggled for years eith infertility. It was very hard and emotional.
However, I don't agree with excluding your baby at all. Does she propose to never see her niece? I don't think there is a magic age where seeing children is less emotional than at another age.
Because it's a surprise party and you can't talk to your brother in advance, I'd just go with DD and your DH. You don't need to stay all night, if you genuinely are concerned that DD's presence will upset SIL
Well that's contradictory. If the OP is going to take DD she may as well stay all night as any upset is going to happen regardless of whether she stays 3 or 5 hours.
Infertility is horrendous and I would hazard a guess that the SIL lost a baby that would be the same age as the OPs DD.
Whilst the SIL is behaving badly some of the name calling on here and the PA solutions help no one.
I'd call her & explain that you're a unit and for family events will attend as one.
I'd also say that it's "all or nothing" & that she can be the one to explain to your brother why you're not there.
She needs to grow up.
- All of you go round in the car. You go in while your DH waits there with DD
- You go in alone, find your brother and wish him happy birthday and say sorry you can't stay as you have to get back to DD. If he asks why, tell him it's a long story and you'll meet and catch up soon
- After the party, arrange to meet your brother for a coffee and tell him you respected your SIL's request this once so as not to spoil his party, but it has really hurt and upset you to think that your DD will not be able to share in family events like this. Ask him to help you in making it different in the future.
but why does OPs baby upset her? There are younger babies going to be there. The issue is not really about babies is it?
I cant fathom why she can't see your DD. Because the baby she miscarried/that was stillborn would be exactly the same age as the OP's baby? Because the baby looks similar to the SIL's husband, so is an awful reminder of the baby they lost/can't have? Because she always thought she would have the first baby on that side of the family? Because the OP is much younger than the SIL/had an unplanned pregnancy, so her obvious fertility reminds the SIL that her time is running out?
There are any number of reasons why she feels she can't see the OP's DD, but why she's okay with other, younger babies. Since she used to be good friends with the OP with no great falling out, it's unlikely she is doing this out of spite. Have some compassion people!
How do you know your dd isn't invited? Has she actually spoken to you and told you?
I would contact your SIL in writing and say something along the lines of: your baby is ebf and does not take bottles so unfortunately you will not be able to attend the party without her. And that you would understand if it was a child free event however since other children (including younger babies) are attending you are wondering why your baby has been excluded from the invite.
I would be very worried about your child being excluded long term and the affects on your child as she gets older. I think that needs to be addressed with your brother in the future.
It's very sad that your SIL is going through a hard time but it's very unfair for her to take that out on you and your child. I have had miscarriages as well as had a friend behave the way your SIL is, so I know how shit it is.
Your SIL is going to cause a lot of trouble for you going forward if you let her get away with this type of behaviour.
Nocabbageinmyeye Thank you 🌸 Yeah you're completely right, I just think if they used to be friends maybe she should try to meet up to introduce the baby before the party? It might sort the problem out completely. She must be really jealous x
MiaowTheCat I'm sorry that happened to you. That's why I'm suggestimg she try to meet her with the baby before hand, so she gets used her xxxx
*Why are the children from her side invited, but not your daughter? I would, like you, be very hurt. *
Your SIL is a mean, spiteful person
Could you go alone & leave your husband looking after your daughter?
(If you want to be there for your brother)
For a weekend-would you be able to get a babysitter anyway?
I think going to see SIL before the party must be the way to begin. Even if your baby isn’t there, you will be, and you will still be the one who had hte baby, and given how strong her feelings are, she won’t really like you being there either.
You can maybe ask your brother to negotiate this, you don’t need to spoil the birthday surprise, just say you are aware that it’s tough for SIL and you can’t go on like this, especially with CHristmas around the corner (whatever reasons you can come up with). It might be easier though, if in the end it’s just hte three of you. I cannot imagine she will be hostile with the two of you in front of her, and if she is upset, maybe you can just let her be?
Friends of my husband had a baby the day my first child would’ve been born. Same sex, same name. I still feel sad sometimes when I see him, but he’s a teenager now, and I have other children, but it was pretty hideous. I did go out of my way to avoid them, but I didn’t stop them coming to social events at ours (there were a couple in the first 18 months). I had to do a lot of talking/crying to a close friend, but I’m glad I didn’t make a thing of it. The husband died recently, and I cannot help feel guilty that I was so upset at the time, when they are now dealing with this, but the point is that many people have awful awful tragedies to deal with throughout their lives, and it isn’t fair to punish anyone else for it.
Sorry, don’t know if that helps, it just really hit a nerve. Do try. If it doesn’t work, well, then you’ll know. But don’t just turn up, or just don’t go. Try and at least get to a point where you can show your face for a bit each day.
for both of you.
I'd have a chat with her to ask if there's a reason why your baby has been excluded when others have not. I'm not justifying her behaviour but it may be that your baby's conception date or birthdate coincide with something connected to her infertility such as a decision to stop TTC or a MC or receiving bad test results. As I say, it doesn't justify the exclusion but it may explain why it's too painful for her to see your baby and talking about it will hopefully resolve the party issue.
greendale17 she's most likely got depresssion and is suffering. Happy people dont behave like this x
If it was my DBs surprise birthday party, he would want me there. I would go, with your DH and your DD, for the first hour, and then leave.
It’s your brothers birthday why the hell shouldn’t his niece be there? All sil family including nieces and nephews have been invited
I have a stillbirth at 35 weeks a few years ago so believe me I do know how much it can hurt being around babies when that is what your heart is crying for but I would Never have expected anyone to hide there baby because of me, which is what your sil is expecting you do to.
I’d be going to my brothers party and my 4 month old baby would be coming too, no way would I be leaving my baby with a sitter at that age.
I'd have sympathy for her if it was no children at all. But all the kids on her side are invited.
She sounds like control freak and a spiteful one at that.
I'd call her & explain that you're a unit and for family events will attend as one.
Smug comments about 'erm, we (unlike you) are a family unit' are very unlikely to smooth things over...
Your SIL is a mean, spiteful person
Or she's usually a fairly nice person but right now is deeply hurting and therefore not acting rationally.
your SIL needs to get a bloody grip... the world is still turning.. the moon still rises.. the sun still sets... this is the most ridiculous situation and not of your making OP... do not hide your Baby
Wow. So many compassionate responses....
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