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to want to start a family just to break the loneliness?

(57 Posts)
JammyGem Sun 05-Nov-17 19:41:26

DH's career means he works most evenings, and all big events - Bonfire Night, Halloween, Christmas, New Year's Eve etc.

We moved recently and I've really struggled to make any friends. I have bad anxiety but even when I make a big effort and really try with people it just seems people don't really like me. There's a few people at work but I'm not really close enough with them to meet up outside of work.

I'm just so sad that all the "big" days and events that I used to love and look forward to are just spent sitting on my own at home. I have no friends, and I'm too scared to go to something on my own.

If we started a family then at least I'd have company, and maybe through having a kid I could meet other people.

It's so pathetic that the only solution I can think of is to have a child just to stop me feeling so lonely and worthless, but I just wonder if it would actually work. And if it didn't, then I'd be so selfish and disgusting for creating a life for purely selfish reasons.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just so lonely and sad and I haven't stopped crying all this evening. I just wish I wasn't so alone.

KindergartenKop Sun 05-Nov-17 19:46:02

Have you told your dh that you are lonely? Surely he doesn't have to work on every event?

JammyGem Sun 05-Nov-17 19:47:42

He knows. But he says (quite rightly) that he'd warned me before we married and moved what it was like and I said I'd be OK.

I thought I would be. But I'm not.

And yes, nature of the work means he has to work every event.

Purpleforest Sun 05-Nov-17 19:47:48

Having a baby can be a way to get to meet people, yes. But it can also make isolation a lot worse, especially if you have a DP who works antisocial hours. Because right now there's nothing really stopping you going out on an evening when DP is working, but if you had a baby there would be. Most socialising that happens with other mums and babies is in the daytime when OHs are at work. You'd be unlikely to get invites over for Christmas, etc, or even just an evening out with new mum friends. They're mostly with their OHs at those times.

A much better option would be to join a few groups or hobbies that will get you out meeting people first. Then have a family in a bit if you want one.

Oysterbabe Sun 05-Nov-17 19:48:08

Have children always been part of the long term plan or is it purely your current situation that makes you want them?
You'd be better to find some hobbies to help you meet people. For example I go to a lovely book group that is a good excuse for a nice evening chatting over few glasses of wine once a month.

Pengggwn Sun 05-Nov-17 19:49:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyRaine90 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:49:18

Don’t have a baby because you are lonely and not getting much from DH.

You will need him more with a baby not less. Try and broaden your social networks and be busy in yourself, then have a baby because everything is good not to try and “fix” your loneliness

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 05-Nov-17 19:50:06

The problem is that being married to someone who works those hours will always be very difficult unless you live very near to your relatives and friends. Do you have to live in that area? The point of being in a relationship surely is that you get to spend time together.

Alicetherabbit Sun 05-Nov-17 19:50:27

My Dh works all those events and it didn't bother my until we had children, now I feel left out as all the people I know do more family stuff together at those times and weekends and the dynamic is weird if I go alone with dd.

hotmilkandcrunchynuts Sun 05-Nov-17 19:51:38

the only solution I can think of is to have a child just to stop me feeling so lonely and worthless, but I just wonder if it would actually work

god no. It would not work, you'd probably feel much worse. Sorry.

HostaFireAndIce Sun 05-Nov-17 19:52:23

It's not a terrible idea if you actually do want a baby. They do provide easy ways into meeting other people and are great company BUT the problem is they are only great company if you like them and actually want one (and even then they have their moments) so you would need to make sure that the latter is also true. Otherwise, I agree that you could feel even more isolated and alone.

witchofzog Sun 05-Nov-17 19:53:54

I don't think you are selfish. You sound desperately lonely. My ds is older now and not really bothered about the big days and I have moments too where I feel like you do and wonder whether I should have had more dc's.

I kind of think why does anyone have children? And I think it is often for someone to love and for sharing the good times. But you also need to be prepared for the hard times too. If you and your dh have a good relationship generally and are both on the same page re children then there is nothing wrong with wanting them. But in the early years you may feel more lonely as life on your own with a baby and less freedom can be lonely for anyone, though babies grow into little people who are then fantastic company But this should not be your ONLY motivation at the same time.

Littlebear88 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:57:06

Hi Jammy,
I am in a similar position with DH, and I would agree that in the early years a baby can lead to you being more isolated and alone. I was lucky enough to meet lots of other lovely mums but when DH was/is working weekends they are busy spending time with their DHs. I would say that only now that my DS is 3 he is actually good company and we can chat and enjoy the events , Halloween, bonfire night etc together x

Silverthorn Sun 05-Nov-17 19:57:22

Terrible idea. Sorry. To meet like minded people you need to start some hobbies, join a club. I have 2 young dc and find it extremely hard to get out and meet the friends I have let alone make new ones. A child is not a solution to a problem. Sorry to sound harsh but I don't want you to rush into having a child and find yourself even more lonely.

House4 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:57:44

flowers it's hard to make friends sometimes. Personally I was more lonely when my DS was born. It stopped me going out much and I felt isolated. It is a way to meet new women but only in the daytime and certainly not common to meet at Christmas/evenings. Do you have any hobbies? How about some online forums about those or other local groups? You could do some volunteering - esp on those special occasions. Why not fill your gap by helping others who would be VERY grateful?

C0untDucku1a Sun 05-Nov-17 19:58:39

Join lots of clubs that interest you. Fitness / dance / language class / degree... do it for the love of the subject / skill / activity and making friends will be easier as you have a shared interest.

EasterRobin Sun 05-Nov-17 20:02:57

Have you considered starting with a dog? You'll meet people walking it, and you'll get full time company, affection and companionship from your new fluffy friend.

For human friends, you could try meet-up groups, or take up a hobby, class or join a social group like women's institute.

I wouldn't have a baby to feel less lonely. If you want a family that's fine, but there are easier ways to meet people than to grow them. And babies are bloody full-on. New mums often feel very isolated and lonely.

IHeartDodo Sun 05-Nov-17 20:03:07

Do you work? If not could you? Even volunteer work would help you meet people.
Most of my friends come through work and Uni, and then from the choirs I sing with.

Cel982 Sun 05-Nov-17 20:13:24

I really feel for you, OP. Regardless of whether he 'warned' you beforehand what it would be like, it's absolutely ok for you not to be happy with being on your own so much of the time. That doesn't mean it's anyone's fault, but just that the life you want may not be compatible with his career. Was your move because of his job as well? Were you happy with things before you moved?

Being at home with a small child can be very lonely, even with a support network around. Babies are wonderful, but they're not good company; they take up a lot of your mental energy without offering any of the things you get from a reciprocal adult relationship - conversation, intellectual stimulation, empathy. I think unfortunately having a baby now may make things worse in the short/medium term, and will also reduce your options for making other changes.

museumum Sun 05-Nov-17 20:18:37

Having a child can be very Isolating. I find it harder to maintain friendships now and my social life has gone to shit.

It sounds trite but you need a hobby or hobbies. Have you tried a sports team? Craft group? Volunteering? Local politics? Seriously I’d advise you build local networks and friendships first before considering having a baby in your circumstances.

JammyGem Sun 05-Nov-17 20:18:41

To answer a few questions:

We do eventually plan to have kids but we were waiting for the 'right time' - although we both admitted recently that it seems there never is a 'right time' to start a family. So being lonely wouldn't be the only reason, as I do want children, but at this point in time it would be a big reason why.

I did join a couple of clubs to meet people, but they were all very cliquey and I didn't really fit in - I don't know what it is but seems like people just don't like me. So I gave up on them after 3 months or so. I tried to find other clubs but it's difficult as I don't drive and they all seem to take place out of walking distance (busses are not great here)

We moved here away from family/friends because it made financial sense. We can now afford to save up instead of penny pinching the whole time, and life is much more relaxed here. My only regret is not knowing anyone before we moved.

No dog, but I do have a beautiful cat. She keeps me company most evenings, although obviously cats are pretty independent so not always the greatest company!

But I am so desperately lonely. I do work and I get on well with my colleagues, but they all either have families or live quite far away and commute, so it's difficult to meet up outside of work. That, and I don't know if that would be overstepping the mark and they'd just think I was weird.

Chocness Sun 05-Nov-17 20:20:38

Please don’t have a baby to ease loneliness. The first years of a babies life can be incredibly hard for most new mums and can be extremely isolating. Just take a look on some of the other threads on mumsnet and they’ll give you a taste of what life can be like with a baby/toddler.
Another poster suggested getting a dog/pet first, I think that sounds an excellent idea. I have a cat and she helped when I felt lonely a lot. Above all though you need to be getting out there to meet new people. I’ve found volunteering has been superb for this. I also think your DH sounds incredibly unsupportive. You sound like you are in a rut and he should be helping you with ideas not saying “I told you so etc”. Marriage is a partnership and he should be concerned about your loneliness and trying to help you.

Snap8TheCat Sun 05-Nov-17 20:21:12

What career does he have? My dh has a fairly unsociable job but even he’s around more than that using annual leave.

JammyGem Sun 05-Nov-17 20:22:51

@Cel982 Before we moved we both worked in the same industry (and same company!) so it wasn't so bad - also that job didn't need him to work every event like his one now does. We didn't move for his career, but we knew that by moving he would have to work in the kind of company that would mean working most evenings and all "events".

We were both just lucky with our employer before, I guess. it doesn't help that I changed career and now work a 9-5 job, which is much better for me, but means we don't have similar hours anymore.

We moved to have a better life, and financially we do. We just never see each other now, that's all.

JammyGem Sun 05-Nov-17 20:24:15

DH is a chef - before his job was a bit more flexible but he's had to move back into restaurants as the more flexible jobs are few and far between.

So all the event nights are their busiest nights, so no-one can take time off on those.

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