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To report alcoholic friend with a dd 9?

(51 Posts)
Pandoraphile Sun 05-Nov-17 11:39:14

Firstly - I mistakenly posted this in WWYD so apologies for the duplicate post. I really don't know what to do here and I'd value others advice.

I've known her since around Feb this year (parents at the same school) and we each have a dd (both 9)

I go to her house regularly and she comes to me too. Her house has always been disgusting. Absolutely foul. The carpet is badly stained all over, massive black patches and stains of almost everything you can imagine. It starts at the front door and continues into the house.

The kitchen is vile. Honestly, I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I'm really not. The surfaces are always covered with dirty plates, bowls, etc, bits of random food strewn everywhere and often half empty saucepans or frying pans. It's so bad that I would literally never eat there. Neither would my dp and he eats street food in El Salvador!!!! Her kitchen furniture is scratched to fuck and barely usable. On the occasions that I've seen her dd eat, it's been with her fingers whilst crouched on the sofa, or just on the floor where she flits about while she eats.I have never seen her use cutlery. Yesterday there was toast from the morning just lying on the carpet(no plate), half full glasses of milk, a covered cup that had soup in it was on its side leaking the soup. It's just horrendous.

All this was bad enough - then the kittens arrived. The house now STINKS of cat piss. It's unbearable. The smell gets you the second you walk in through the door. The litter tray is in the kitchen and I walked in there last night and I honestly nearly threw up, I had to open the fridge and stick my head in to stop myself. I have a very, very strong stomach. I'm mid 30s and I've been sick less than ten times my entire life. The smell is everywhere. There's a covered litter tray so I can only assume that the cats are using the whole house as their toilet, it's grim.

Last week, her and dd came for Sunday lunch with some other friends. We opened some wine around 5 and by 7 she literally couldn't keep her eyes open. She seemed drunk when she arrived so I can only assume she'd been drinking at home before.
Last night, it all got a bit worse. Dp and I were invited over for 8 or so. When we got there we could see immediately from the hallway that my friend was passed out on the sofa. Not tucked up with a blanket for a nap, face down half off the sofa and arms and legs spreadeagled. Her dd apologised and said "Mummy's asleep" and then had to really shout and shake her to wake her up. She seemed pretty out of it all evening, eyes closing, etc and she eventually admitted that she'd had an argument with her boyfriend and so she started drinking at 9am  No wonder she was tired! At this point I sent her up to bed with water.

Whilst I waited for my taxi I pottered around cleaning up the worst of the mess (old food, etc) and I started noticing the wine bottles. There were at least six in the kitchen, most empty, some still half full, 3 in the living room in bizarre places like underneath the stereo and on the mantelpiece above the fire. Then I found one hidden down the back of the sofa.

Now, the issue - her dd is a full time boarder. During term she comes home some weekends, not many. She's really only there during half terms and holidays. Do I report concerns to the school? Social services? I know their resources are stretched ATM so I'm not sure whether this warrants investigation or not?? Her dd father lives abroad and only sees her a handful of times a year. I'm pretty sure that the school will be keeping an eye on her from a safeguarding perspective.

Sorry this is so long but I didn't want to dripfeed!

flumpybear Sun 05-Nov-17 11:43:27

They both need help - perhaps ask the school for support but if you’re her friend then tell her the truth - she’s going to get her child removed if she’s not careful and she’s going to die from alcohol abuse

Can the daughter star with you some time she’s home?

I doubt she’s in this mess on purpose but she needs help for herself and her poor child

AfterSchoolWorry Sun 05-Nov-17 11:48:43

I would. Without hesitation.

Babymamamama Sun 05-Nov-17 11:52:03

Report. The fact ss may be overstretched is not the highest context here. The child is being neglected. Mother may need support and monitoring to get back on track.

Bubblebubblepop Sun 05-Nov-17 11:54:51

Yes I would but I would also imagine that this will already be known so you won't be giving SS new information (do it anyway obvs) Maybe this is why the DD is at boarding school?

MiserableFucker Sun 05-Nov-17 11:55:14

If things are as horrendous as you say then absolutely contact SS. Being overstretched is their issue and should never prevent you from speaking up to protect a child. She is living in complete squalor.

Also the friend obviously needs help too. I don’t believe anyone would choose to live like that. They both need support

rollingonariver Sun 05-Nov-17 11:57:01

I would report.
SS are not stupid if they think nothing is wrong they’ll leave pretty soon. Also reporting isn’t the worst thing you could do to someone, Ss are there to help people look after their children not to steal children away. They will hopefully help her be a better mother, she may well be a vulnerable adult and they’ll help her clean things up smile

IrritatedUser1960 Sun 05-Nov-17 11:57:41

You need to report this to social services. I have a friend whose mother was an alcoholic, different men in and out of the house. It totally messed up my friends life and she wished someone just someone, anyone had saved her from the chaos or helped them out as a family.

YetAnotherNC2017 Sun 05-Nov-17 12:31:53

That poor child. Report. She’s being neglected.

Changerofname987654321 Sun 05-Nov-17 12:38:58

Report to SS. At the point where the Mum was too intoxicated to wake up and look after the child I would have called the police.

Wishingandwaiting Sun 05-Nov-17 12:46:19

Contact the school.
Please please.
I read these posts and honestly I’m dumbstruck that you can sleep at night knowing this is going on. And you “pottered about cleaning whilst waiting for you taxi”.
WTF. I never would have even ordered the taxi.

StealthPolarBear Sun 05-Nov-17 12:50:30

Oh poor woman. And poor child.

Pandoraphile Sun 05-Nov-17 12:52:41

Wishing - there was nothing more I could do that night. Dd was asleep, so was friend. There was no danger to dd if she woke, plus she has her own phone so could contact me/someone else if she needed to.

The thing that's stopping me is that her dd is going back to school tonight and won't be home for a few weeks. So ss won't see her in the home. There are other - serious -factors which contribute to the chaos, but don't pose a physical risk to the child.

bringbacksideburns Sun 05-Nov-17 12:57:32

Yes absolutley. Do it now and get this woman and her child the support they need.

Did you say she's a weekly boarder at the age of 9? Poor kid.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Sun 05-Nov-17 13:00:19

This needs reporting for both their sakes. The fact the little girl is boarding makes me wonder if the mum is well aware of her issues already. I think she probably is. Unfortunately it often can get to a point when you're at such a low place you can not drag yourself out of it for love nor money. She needs help and SS being overstretched is neither here nor there. They are there to deal with these types of things.

LondonGirl83 Sun 05-Nov-17 13:02:02

If you think the child is in danger then report. Scratched furniture and stained carpets aren't exactly dangerous but if she is being neglected / not fed properly then hopefully ss can help them both

Bubblebubblepop Sun 05-Nov-17 13:04:29

I think you're being naive to assume you have this new information and all the responsibility to report or not. The woman could well already be known to, and involved with SS.
My Bf's mum is an alcoholic. SS were involved with them from her being about 7 until she was 18 (they are still involved but adult services for the mother only)

They don't just swoop in and fix everything. It's a long game trying to ensure the children of alcoholics have the least damaging life they can under the circumstances. That their basic needs are met.

They may not be aware of her, but they may well be. This might not be the huge responsibility you have taken it to be

QuackPorridgeBacon Sun 05-Nov-17 13:10:59

I wouldn’t jump straight to her being an alcoholic to be honest. You say she leaves dirty dishes etc lying around the kitchen (I’ve done the same and not a few times) maybe the bottles have just gathered up also over a long period of time. All you can do really is ask her if she is ok or contact the social services or both. They probably already know but it can’t hurt.

crunchtime Sun 05-Nov-17 13:23:48

the best thing to do in situations like this is to think 'would i be happy to be leave my child in a house like this?'

if the answer is no then why is it ok for someone elses child?

Stormzy Sun 05-Nov-17 13:27:12

Wishing - there was nothing more I could do that night. Dd was asleep, so was friend. There was no danger to dd if she woke, plus she has her own phone so could contact me/someone else if she needed to.

Do you mean that you left your DD overnight in the sole care of a woman who had been drinking since 9am and had passed out? shock

Acrosstheuniverse123 Sun 05-Nov-17 13:28:25

I would report her to social services, but there is probably nothing they can/will do. Unfortunately this situation is not at all uncommon. The poor child. I am puzzled as to why you go round there or invite her to yours if you find it so disgusting.

bbcessex Sun 05-Nov-17 13:33:25

I can't get round you leaving your DD in a house that makes you vomit and where a distressed & disoriented adult is in sole charge.

Flutterbyeee Sun 05-Nov-17 13:35:41

Before reporting, maybe offer support. I think I understand you left your child there overnight. Don't let your understanding and kindness cloud your judgment.

Cheeseontoastie Sun 05-Nov-17 13:36:04

Ofcourse it's possinle they will do something. Isn't cases like these what child in need plans are for?

Bubblebubblepop Sun 05-Nov-17 13:41:21

There is loads they can do, there is loads they may already be doing. Unfortunately their measures are very unlikely to result in a clean, healthy settled family, because is rare they can change things to that extent. But can can try and minimise the damage to the child that's going to be caused by living with a chaotic and addicted parent

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