To think it’s over?(131 Posts)
I’ve been with my OH for 7 years. We have a 6yr old son, a 2 yr old daughter and a 15 month old daughter. I do everything. Cooking, cleaning, childcare, shopping, dressing, bathing, homework, school runs, bedtime. I’m also breastfeeding my youngest. I am a stay at home Mum and he works 9-5 Monday to Friday. He comes home from work expects his dinner to be ready for him coming in. Will walk straight in at around 6pm, without saying hello roll himself a cigarette make a cup of coffee and walk straight back outside to smoke. I think he should have a smoke before he comes in and I’m not going to begrudge him a coffee. He’ll then complain that dinner isn’t sitting waiting for him. I have two separate school runs. My 6 yr old is in a school an hours walk away with no buses and I don’t drive. He’s in school 9-2. My two yr old is in a preschool nursery programme 12.30 to 3. Takes about 20 minutes to walk to but an hour to get home as she refuses to use the buggy board or get in a pram. I then have snacks and homework’s to do when we do get home at around 4. While they are in school I’m making lunches, putting baby for a nap and doing laundry or cleaning. Dinner is on the table by half 6 every evening so we can have dinner baths and bedtime routines sorted by 8pm. Once all three children are in bed he goes out. For hours. He left today at half 7 and didn’t get back home until half 12. He’s normal out until around 11/12 every night. I don’t know where he goes and he won’t tell me. He barely interacts with our children and when he does it’s to tell them off or shouting for no reason. His temper is getting out of control. He only pays attention to me when he wants sex otherwise I’m ignored huffed at or shouted at for doing something he doesn’t like. I’m exhausted. Haven’t had a full nights sleep in 3 years. Haven’t had an evening off mummy duty since the end of June. The baby used to take a bottle but now blantently refuses because he stopped giving me one evening a week and one night out a month.
I have tried talking to him. Telling him what I need from him. I’ve kicked him out. He’s promised to change and has short term but then it goes straight back. I’ve been told his cheated on me but he swears he hasn’t. I’ve never fully believed him but I loved him and was willing to move past it for our children and because I wanted things to work out.
Last night I didn’t resist sex. I had an itch and it needed scratched. Sorry if that’s TMI but it is what it is. To begin with it was fine because I was able to switch off but in the middle of it, I came to the very hard realisation that it wasn’t doing anything for me. There was no connection. It’s the first time I have ever DTD and it have no meaning what so ever. I realised that I love him but I am not in love with him anymore. He isn’t remotely the person I fell in love with. It’s like every good redeeming quality he had is gone. I am devastated. But I don’t know what to do. I have only ever been with him. I don’t even know how to end it with him. So I have 2 Aibu questions.
1. Aibu to think that there is anything salvageable? That if he really truly changed for the better and put my children and me before anything else in his life that we could work this out? Or is it really and truly over. Now that I’m not in love with him is that it?
2. AiBU to ask for advice on how to break up with him? He has always been able to talk me round. Telling me that he’ll change but doesn’t. Or tells me I’m the only thing he has going for him in his life and he can’t live without me. That he has no meaning and would kill himself! I don’t want that guilt if he were to take his own life.
I know this is a really long post so I appreciate any one that has made it to the end. I literally don’t know what else to do
You could have the chat nd give him a list of expectations and time limit to change. But I have to say it doesn't sound hopeful. Where the eff is he going every night? That is dam well disrespectful to you and your family.
Run, don't walk away from this useless excuse for a man.
He sounds a right bastard!
It would be easier to manage all on your own; at least then you wouldn't also have him to take care of (and put up with)!
I'm sorry OP, he sounds an utter waste of space. I'll be honest I too would be walking away as fast as I can. Going out for hours on an evening and not telling you where is unacceptable in itself.
I have done the single mum thing and believe me; when I left the man child, my life suddenly became 100 times easier and me and the DC were so much happier. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders you didn't know you had.
Do you have access to family money? Do you have family nearby? It sounds like you gave him more than enough chances and if he really wanted to change, he would have done it by now. , you are worth so so much more than this.
He will not kill himself. It's a tactic abusive men use. I've witnessed this quite a few times and it's just to scare you to stay
The house is in my name, I currently pay for everything as I have enough money coming in every week to cover all my bills for the house, groceries and my children. He pays my phone bill but I could always just go pay as you go or look into a cheap contract. I have to ask him every week for money out of his wages but more often than not don’t because he bitches about it. I don’t really have family. My dad walked out when I was 5 and my mum is an alcoholic. His family are very supportive of me. His aunt is one of my closest friends. She has told me to kick him out but I loved him and thought he would change but he hasn’t. There’s times I wish I’d stuck to my guns the first time I kicked him out but I’m glad I didn’t as I have my youngest baby. My kids are my life. And the deserve so much more. I know all this. I just don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to break it off with him. Do I just take his key and hand him a bag of his stuff? Do I hand him back my engagement ring that I haven’t worn in over a year? Do I tell him I don’t love him anymore and it’s his fault? I honestly don’t know how to do it! I don’t want him to be able to talk me back round. I’m also worried when I end it that he’ll just walk away and never look back. I don’t want my kids to have the abandonment issues that I have. Any male role model in my life has walked/ran away because my mum is insane. I’m so scared but I know I can’t go on like this anymore. I am just so unhappy and stressed out all the time. I’m so lonely that although he’s crap I kind of view him as better than nothing if that makes any logical sense
Here have my first LTB.
I was living in similar circumstances for years it doesn’t get better. Save yourself and your children and get out
Someone will be along with good advice soon OP. You sound like you have already made your decision, you know you don't love him anymore (how could you really?!) and it's just a case of being strong and ending it.
Your kids will be so much better off with him gone. And so will you.
Just tell him it’s over. And he needs to leave. Say it like it’s done already. “We’re over” not “I want it to be over”.
He currently does nothing for you or the family. Not money, not companionship, not decent sex, not parenting, not sharing the load. All he gives is complaints and extra work.
He might change out of all recognition. I might win the lottery. I don’t plan my life around it.
tells me I’m the only thing he has going for him in his life and he can’t live without me
If that were true, he wouldn't be out every night until 11 or 12.
He enjoys the free rent with meals and laundry service.
Now that I’m not in love with him is that it?
I think that the feeling of love and come and go a bit and isn't always be to 100% trusted, none the less, you talked to him, kicked him out, told him what you need from him, told him he has to change but nothing changes. To me, it sounds like it's over because this is all he is willing to do, and it just isn't enough.
He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Darling, do it now while your children are young, you come across as a bloody brilliant mother so don't worry about any issues you had as a child, your children will be better off with you as it seems that their father does one half of f**k all, your living as a single parent now but with the stresss of a useless partner. You and your children deserve better than this, and unfortunately that's without your OH,
Might it be that your fear connected to ending this relationship is actually involving more fear from your parents relationship and this is making it more difficult that it might be?
It doesn't sound like he is very interested in his you or his children so whether he leaves or stays they are still getting negative messages from a father figure.
You sound very switched on and perhaps everything will be easier for you and your dc without him disrupting the peace so often.
What often happens is that we decide to get them to leave but then falter later because we don't put other things into place to support ourselves. Maybe find other ways to feel good about yourself and then tell him you've had enough and its time for him to move on.
Actually it's you who will be moving on - he sounds like he's stuck in a never ending repeat pattern of being completely self centred - leave him to it.
There is much more to life for you than
You’ve already made the decision. Tell
Him to go with your head held high. Don’t put him back in control. Tell him “I am no longer in love with you and I haven’t been for a while. I want you to leave my home. You are welcome to have pre arranged access to the children but other than that I want no contact. I will be in touch with the CSA to ensure correct support for your three children is initiated”. Then say nothing else. If he wants to engage in the mind games “I’ll change/so myself over” or whatever, pit your hand up and say “I’m afraid I don’t want to hear it. I’m done”.
It was very interesting reading your post. Whilst you acknowledge that he has always talked you round etc, your post has strength, determination and your are far far stronger than I think you recognise. You are already a single parent doing an exceptionally brilliant job from what you describe. He adds nothing but self doubt and unhappiness to you - and your children who are old enough to know that their father makes no effort with them or you BTW. And you know this. You wrote it. You are going to be so much happier. And one day I hope you find - should you choose - someone to PARTNER with. That’s shared responsibility, shared laughter, shared chores and shared happiness.
Good luck to you
Why on earth do women keep having babies with useless men? Get out now OP before your daughters think that this is an acceptable way for a man to behave and end up in similar relationships.
He’s an utter pig. Pack him a bag and tell him to go. Don’t worry about him abandoning your children or having no role model. You’re a great role model. And as for abandonment - he isn’t around anyway. He’s already done that. Chances are you’ll meet someone else lovely anyway.
He is absolutely cheating on you, who leaves every night and won’t say where they go?! That’s messed up. There isn’t one good quality about this guy.
Sell the engagement ring. Use the money to learn to drive.
Just say ‘I’ve had enough of our relationship, you need to leave’. He’ll try squirming back, but don’t take it from him. You sound far too good for him. He’s burnt his bridges.
By the sounds of it, if you left him, your life wouldn't change much. You would just be getting rid of a lazy, unkind man in your life.
Can you learn to drive? That sounds like it'll make a huge difference to your quality of life whether you stay or leave.
Being a single mum is a far better option than putting up with this poor excuse for a relationship. You are effectively one at the moment.
Tell him to leave.
I hope you used contraception last night.
Saying he will kill himself if you separate from him if a recognised form of domestic abuse. It's attempting to force you to stay trapped in a relationship against your wishes.
It's extremely unlikely. And if he does that was his own choice not yours. He's responsible for his own life and actions and there would be no guilt on you.
Don't have that conversation with him. Pack his key belongings one evening while he's out and tell him to leave. When he tries to talk you round explain you didn't tell him to have a discussion about it you told him to leave. If he continues to stall or refuse call the police.
That's the harsh way but avoids him spending ages trying yo talk you round and because it's your house and yours alone you can do that
I’d like to know what you do that gives yuwnough money to stay at home and be able to pay for house and all bills (because I’d like to do it too)
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