To call time on one of my oldest friends(80 Posts)
We’ve been friends for 10 years. I’ve been single (through choice) the whole time. She’s been married the whole time.
Her husband and I cannot abide each other. I think he’s an abusive bastard at worst and a prick at best. He thinks I’m a bitter dried up single woman who wants his wife all to herself.
I’m July of last year friend turned up at my house with her two teenagers, 11pm and three suitcases. She had left him finally after a really bad year and she stayed for a week before going home. Since then I’ve helped with solicitors, finding a therapist, setting up direct debits etc.
About two months ago out of nowhere she suddenly went very cold with me. Literally apropos of nothing. She would occasionally text but very withheld and not herself. I reminded her a few weeks ago we have tickets for an event this weekend. She replied and said “oh I don’t think I’m going to go, have moved on from all that stuff these days lol, we all need to grow up eventually!” . FWIW it’s just a band and a few cocktails. Something that she is usually the driving force behind!
I’ve left it and not asked her what’s going on as I had a suspicion she was probably back in contact with her ex. And surprise surprise my other friend saw them this morning having breakfast in a local cafe and she was holding his hand.
I text her and said “you should have just said if you’re back with Y, instead of all this evasiveness, it’s not really my business but I don’t like being lied to”
She replied “well people reach different stages in their lives and realise that they need to grow up and grow as people, I’m not interested in the single life you have, I’m passed that now”
I’m sitting here slightly at all of it and cannot be bothered with all the drama.
This is why you shouldn’t ever take sides in a relationship breakdown, they get back together and then collectively turn on you!
Unfortunately, I think this does happen.
You need to do what's right for you, but if you can bring yourself to, I think you'd be being an amazing friend if you can text her something along the lines of "I hope it all works out for you, but please remember I'm always here if you need me".
I say that because from your OP, I think she's likely to try and get away again in the future.
In the meantime, concentrate on other things in your life.
But I do feel sorry for your 'friend'.
She's in a world of delusion. He's done a number on her and he has to get rid of you so that so that he can isolate her.
She is to be pitied and it would be best if you let her go.
i would choose your single life over her weak relationship any day of the weak.
Walk away and let Romeo and Juliet get on with it. But he won't change, she just has to go through all the same shit with him before she wises up.
i would usually urge you not to turn your back on her but he will make it impossible for your friendship to continue. I dont like her "grow up" comment to you. There is nothing grown up about their reconciliation -its just very sad.
I would only call her if you can make sure you say nothing that can’t be unsaid. I think the statistics say a woman try’s to leave an abusive man 6 times before she succeeds. I know I would hate anyone of my friends to think they couldn’t turn to me.
You’ve been an amazing friend to her.
She doesn’t want to talk to you as she knows you will tell her the truth ... which she doesn’t want to hear.
How sad. For her, not you.
Don't close your door to her competely, she'll need you again and just doesn't realise it yet.
Don’t react, she’s being a dick but you know it’s him driving it. Just bide your time and don’t let it get to you, she will come back to Earth.
Why don't you write her a shitty email but just save it in your drafts folder. If he's as bad as you say, it won't last, and if she's been your friend for that long, you might be able to forgive her this. It's hard as you get older... be the bigger person?
If this man is abusive he might be forcing her to cut you out of her life. He might have done the old 'Darling, Frieda's such a bad influence on you, she's jealous of our marriage and trying to split us up, promise me you'll have nothing more to do with her and I'll stop being such a shit...' Or he may have threatened her with awful consequences if she didn't go back to him and be a good wifey who never speaks to anyone else.
I agree with PP who suggested sending her an email along the lines of wishing her well and your door being open. Then walk away... and wait.
I’m half torn...yes I could be the bigger person but also I’m a person too, I’m not a doormat to be dropped whenever she feels like it and made to feel like my life is childish and to pitied?!
Do I just want to be here as a sounding board her her problems? But on the flip side, yes he’s abusive and I’m sure he’s promised her the moon on a stick if they reconcile (yet again). This is not the first time she’s left him
That is bad. She may in an abusive relationship and going gback for more but you have been a good friend to her and her children, to belittle your life and compare it with her poor choices would do it for me. You were grown up enough to home her and the kids, grown up enough to sort out her finances.
Don't bother replying. She'll be back, but it your call if you answer the door.
It's not you OP it's your former friend
KC that is exactly how I feel. She had no right or need to tell me she’s “moved on” from where I am in life.
I love my life! It’s not childish or bitter.
I’m aware I can be overly harsh on people and it’s something I’m working on. But I don’t think I am being too harsh here?
Well she’s not much of a friend to you is she? So yes, I’d call time on it. Friendships need to go both ways.
You can't help those who won't help themselves.
That's really nasty of her OP, I think it is quite likely he has put her in a horrible situation where she has to cut you off - but you can't be treated like this, regardless.
If I were you, I'd write a long text/email/Facebook message - preferably a time you'd be pretty sure he's not in the house and just say 'I'm sorry you feel we are not compatible friends anymore. My door is always open for you, but I will not allow you to belittle my life choices, best of luck'
Then the ball is entirely in her court, and hopefully some day, once and for all, she will seek the right help and make the right call.
I'd be tempted to add the women's aid number to the bottom of the email too. But if he was to see that, it could have serious implications for her.
Sadly, it sounds like the friendship has run to the end of the road. She’s being rude about your choices too. You’ve tried to help in the past, but you need to step back now. There has to be give and take, but it sounds quite one-sided.
I feel sad for you OP but she's doing the damage to herself now by going back to him and for that, you have to pity her.
It's very sad...but there's no accounting for people's choices.
I would just leave it. Write the email but not send it. The act of writing it will be cathartic. The words that she has spoken don’t sound like hers. They sound like his. Unfortunately you will need to accept that she is once again under his control.
There was no reason for her to have a dig at you, claiming to be the better off person.
To be honest my patience is thin. I see this all the time. People complain and then go their merry way. I'd leave them to it. They will stress you out whilst they're both drinking a cup of tea.
He may well be monitoring her texts.
Step away, get on with your life and don’t contact her, but if she really needs you in tne future, be there.
Yes I think it’s time to call time on the friendship- friends shouldn’t guilt trip/make you feel ashamed of being single or that ‘they’ve moved on’ from your life.
She probably has it in her head that you’re jealous of her/trying to ruin her relationship
He’s obviously done a number on her but she’s responsible for her own decisions and how she treats you, too. She hasn’t been a very good friend
Well, she's told you what's what now, hasn't she. Whether it's coming directly from her, or from the abusive twat, is hard to say - but she's obviously decided that they're going to try again.
I had similar from a friend when her abusive twat came back (he left her more than once) and promised her the earth - she was all "oh haha, yes, it's all fine, nothing to worry about, yes he's good" etc. Until he wasn't, again, and she finally ended up leaving him for good.
What I did was to just step back and let it lie. I didn't contact her, I waited until she contacted me - I didn't hold it against her because I felt that she was doing what he'd told her she had to (and I was right - it was part of his "conditions" of staying that she ditched her friends and stopped badmouthing him to them). But when she needed me, I was here for her with no rancour.
And that's what I'd suggest you do too - don't hold it against her, but don't contact her either. Wait for her to come to you.
I think @mogloveseggs ** has a very good point.
Are you sure he didn’t write that message?
This may be sent by her but it is his voice. She sounds in a worse, more dangerous position than before. For your own mental and emotional wellbeing, take a step back and look after yourself. However, I think it would be a very kind and selfless gesture to take “her” comments on the chin - wish her well and remind her you are there if ever she is in need of a friend. My guess is his behaviour has escalated. He has succeeded in alienating her from her him pfriends. I hope she finds the courage to leave again soon.
Sorry I've only read a handful of messages. The amount of people saying that's it walk away from her is shocking. I'm sorry but have you been In an abusive relationship?? Do you realise she's a puppet? .
I bet he is telling her what to write and waiting for your reply. She needs you. He is clearly trying to isolate her so she feels she won't be able to leave again as she has no one. This is their tactics. Atm the cycle of abusive is at the good stage. He is trying to show her he's changed or sorry and he loves her to lure her back. Before long it will drop and he will turn. She will need you then.
Also yes it's not easy to leave these men. They get in your head or threaten to do things to make you stay. .
Maybe for now let her know that when she needs you again you will be there. Then leave it with her. Maybe chuck in every couple of weeks I hope you're ok so she still knows your there.
Be patient with her. She will eventually leave him
Ahhh123 I completely disagree. It is not the OP’s responsibility to extract her friend from her relationship and nor is is fair to expect her to shoulder rudeness and rejection. You actually have no idea what is going on in the relationship and are projecting massively. All we know is that the OP’s friend has put her through the ringer. Of course she shouldn’t just lie down like a dog and take it.
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