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To talk about the elephant in the room

(207 Posts)
alittlebit Sat 04-Nov-17 22:03:07

Okay, so.
My friend is a lesbian and has a wife. She has been very broody the whole time I’ve know her but she and her wife chose to use their savings on their wedding and assumed they would still be able to afford to go down a complicated fertility plan. So they wanted the wife’s egg and a donor sperm and my friend to carry the baby, which obviously costs a lot more than just using a sperm donor.
Now they have realised they can’t afford to do this as it’ll take years of saving and my friend is 35 so the chances of it working decrease each year (so I’m told).
So they’re looking for a sperm donor and one of them drunkenly (and I’m hoping jokingly) asked DH for some of his. We laughed it off and didn’t mention this again.
Went out with friend a few months later and after a few drinks she keeps mentioning that we have the perfect family, we have everything ‘made’, that every time we have sex, we’re just ‘flushing away’ what she and her wife desperately need. She has asked if we are planning anymore children, wouldn’t DS like any sibling, if either of us have ever considered donating eggs/sperm, how long it took us to conceive, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all closer etc. Just awkward.
I just change the subject.

Other than the one time (said drunkenly and I’m still hoping, jokingly), they have never seriously asked DH. So am I making wild assumptions here or does it sound like they’re building up to ask him to be their donor?
If so... what the hell do you say to that?

RunningOutOfCharge Sat 04-Nov-17 22:04:01


McTufty Sat 04-Nov-17 22:04:44

You say no fucking way.

I doubt they’re going to ask to be honest, would be way too complicated from their POV.

glenthebattleostrich Sat 04-Nov-17 22:04:45

Lie and say he's had the snip?

alittlebit Sat 04-Nov-17 22:05:06

Sorry, I had meant to put at the end, should I just bring it up and get the conversation over and done with?

OhMyGoddd Sat 04-Nov-17 22:05:23

He’s not their only male friend, presumably. And it’s easy and relatively cheap to buy sperm abroad. Just say no if you don’t like the idea.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 04-Nov-17 22:06:41

I think I’d try to bring it up and tell them it’s a no go. Perhaps you really admire donors but it’s definitely not for you.

lougle Sat 04-Nov-17 22:06:50

It doesn't need to be awkward, surely? You just say that your family is complete and you don't feel comfortable with producing a half-sibling of your children, but you hope they find a willing donor soon.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 04-Nov-17 22:07:36

No, just no.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried Sat 04-Nov-17 22:09:08

Goodness, why don’t you just give them your DS? How selfish of you to keep him to yourself when that exactly what they need? wink

Maelstrop Sat 04-Nov-17 22:09:42

Next time they mention it (and obviously make sure your dh is on board first) put a big stop to it by saying no way would he do it.

greendale17 Sat 04-Nov-17 22:09:48

*You just say that your family is complete and you don't feel comfortable with producing a half-sibling of your children, but you hope they find a willing donor soon.*

Seriously you need to tell them no ASAP before they start getting serious about it all.

littlebird7 Sat 04-Nov-17 22:14:43

You need to be straight with them should they ask, but gentle. This must be a tricky time for them. Tell them you will support them in every way except donation. You should feel no obligation whatsoever, this would change your lives and friendship not to mention your relationship forever.

alittlebit Sat 04-Nov-17 22:15:45

Awkward thing is, is that we probably will try for another child in a few years.
DH isnt actually a fan of my friend or her wife. He has said that recently he feels like they’re eyeing up his balls lol.
He’s 100% not interested.

Fightthebear Sat 04-Nov-17 22:19:55

It would be very, very complicated.

Donor sperm from a reputable clinic in the U.K. is not itself prohibitively expensive. The ivf and embryo transfer issue is what ratchets up the costs.

Don't feel bad, they have options and there's a lot to be said for an anonymous donor.

RaindropsAndSparkles Sat 04-Nov-17 22:20:02

I'd just withdraw from the friendship. They put a wedding before a child. Hmm nice sensible decision makers not. Not sensible enough to parent a half sibling to a child of mine.

piglover Sat 04-Nov-17 22:20:06

Just tell them upfront you don't feel comfortable with it - you certainly don't owe them anything if you don't want to do it.

RunningOutOfCharge Sat 04-Nov-17 22:20:22

No it’s not ‘awkward’!! Don’t let it be anything but a natural progression to have another child!

Fishfingersandwichnocheese Sat 04-Nov-17 22:21:50

Say no.

It's nothing to do with you and entirely their fault they spent all their money on a wedding and didn't have the sense to realise having a child would cost money.

daimbar Sat 04-Nov-17 22:21:53

Sounds like they were joking and you took it seriously.

gamerchick Sat 04-Nov-17 22:25:05

He has said that recently he feels like they’re eyeing up his balls lol

Sorry this made me laugh, they want to milk him grin

Seriously though, nip this bugger in the bud. Next time she brings it up, look her dead in the eye and tell her it’s not happening and to shut up about it with a deadpan face.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon Sat 04-Nov-17 22:26:03

Given he is aware they may ask, and has made it clear he'll say no, then this seems quite simple to me - they may ask and he'll say no.
If your friend tries to get you to 'persuade' dh, then remind her about consent, and how it applies to everyone.
Being unable to conceive doesn't give anyone a right to another person's semen/eggs/uterus without their complete agreement.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 04-Nov-17 22:26:04

I was going to say: talk to your H about it, because you don't get to veto the idea without even consulting him (you do not own him, his dick or his sperm). But you have said he doesn't like this couple and would hate the idea, so fair enough. Just put it out of your mind, and if they do ask outright say that it wouldn't work for you, good luck.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sat 04-Nov-17 22:27:02

Sounds like they were gently sounding you both out.
A quick text to say please stop with the sperm jokes as it's making you both uncomfortable and it obviously isn't a real option. From your end anyway.

Withhindsight Sat 04-Nov-17 22:28:01

Can't you say that for medical reasons he's just had the snip and will fire blanks? White lie, but saves friendship perhaps if you can't say no

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