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To think she is the selfish one and should consider me too?

(113 Posts)
BlueButTrue Sat 04-Nov-17 21:28:29

On the phone to my DM, all very exciting as she’s asking what time I’m going in for my planned section next Monday.

So she says “So when can I come up and see him?”

I said “Not sure Mum as I don’t know how I feel. I feel as if I will feel quite vulnerable at the time so not sure about visitors yet”

“Right, so I can’t come up and see him yet/you can’t tell me when?”

I said “I really don’t know, I’m not doing it to be selfish”

She says “I don’t care how you feel, I want to see my grandson”

I said “I think you’re being quite selfish, it isn’t all about my DS, I don’t know how it will be”.

She says “What if I hadn’t let you come up to see your DB when he was born?”

Me: “Well it wouldn’t be my choice, and that was some years ago (well only 3 years ago but still).

She says “Okay well I’m hanging up because I’m pissed off and you’re the selfish one”

That’s it, she hanged up.

AIBU?

Perhaps I am blush it is her first GC.

I feel quite vulnerable as it is, suffering quite badly from antenatal depression and trying to get to grips the best I can. The closure of just me and DH at hospital as the plan for now was quite good closure but now I just feel like a selfish cow.

Jenala Sat 04-Nov-17 21:31:46

YANBU. At all. She is being ridiculous.

Tell her she can come the day after he's born/when you're home and that if you feel up to visitors soon you will tell her.

Jenala Sat 04-Nov-17 21:32:58

Sooner*

Honestly don't feel bad. I don't understand why people are so obsessed about seeing babies within hours. He'll still be a tiny newborn at 2 or 3 days old

aaaaargghhhhelpme Sat 04-Nov-17 21:33:52

She said 'I don't care how you feel'?!

sorry but she sounds a little crazy. What's your relationship with her like normally?

But no. You're not selfish. It's your baby. Your body. You see how you feel. Sections are hard to tell how you'll feel afterwards. Does she know you've got antenatal depression? Do you have good support?

Besides which (I'm guessing this is your first as you say it's the first gc) enjoy!!! The first few days whizz by when your snuggling and staring at your new baby.

Take care of yourself flowers

Justanothernameonthepage Sat 04-Nov-17 21:33:54

YANBU. If she keeps pushing, go for a date further in the future (2 weeks?) And if she complains, say it might be earlier, but until you've had the surgery you can't say. And that you don't need the stress of her demands at this point so you'll talk to her when you feel up to it.

Leilaniii Sat 04-Nov-17 21:34:47

I would feel quite hurt if I were your mum, to be honest.

witchofzog Sat 04-Nov-17 21:35:25

She is being utterly utterly selfish. I would ignore her until you feel ready. She has no right to guilt you like this

Ropsleybunny Sat 04-Nov-17 21:36:50

YANBU, I’m so sorry your DM is being so unkind to you.💐💐💐

aaaaargghhhhelpme Sat 04-Nov-17 21:37:08

Leillani - why?

Why does the grandmothers feelings trump the mum's - who has not said she can't visit but just hasn't put a date in as she doesn't know how she'll feel

AtSea1979 Sat 04-Nov-17 21:37:18

You clearly don't have a good relationship with your mum. Mine was there within half an hour of my section and it was a great help to be able to lie there whilst pass the parcel went on as I found holding DC uncomfortable following section. Just tell her she can come the day after he's born and if you feel up to it then you can always call for her to come sooner, some people like to plan.

RainbowPastel Sat 04-Nov-17 21:37:33

She is excited to meet her new grandchild. I don't understand all this banning people from the hospital. I loved having my family to visit to show off my DC.

ChevalierTialys Sat 04-Nov-17 21:37:43

"I don't care how you feel"?? Ouch!

EdmundCleverClogs Sat 04-Nov-17 21:47:50

I loved having my family to visit to show off my DC.

That's you though, the op has no idea how she'll feel afterwards. Every woman is entitled to deal with her personal space as she pleases after going through such a huge physical event as childbirth. Especially suffering prenatal depression, the absolute priority here is to feel well in yourself before dealing with other people.

Yanbu, please be kind to yourself. It's certainly better for you rest in those first few hours, readjust to having a baby/not being pregnant/major surgery if that's what you need. Quite frankly, I relished those first few hours with just baby and my partner - from then on we had a constant influx of visitors, midwife, HV, appointments for the next few weeks. Not everyone enjoys the constant visits during such a period of change, even if they get along with family. Your mother should be more sympathetic, and put her own feelings on the back burner. At least let you get through Monday and see see how you feel!

gandalfspants Sat 04-Nov-17 21:49:57

I delivered vaginally at 10am and no way would I have wanted visitors the same day. I felt like utter shit and just wanted to get the all clear and go home to bed to bond with the tiny new person and try to get some sleep.

Your birth, your body, your choice.

sonjadog Sat 04-Nov-17 21:53:21

Telling people they are being selfish generally doesn´t make the conversation go well. Fine that you don´t want her there, but try being a bit more diplomatic in future and you may be able to avoid ending in someone hanging up.

Gemini69 Sat 04-Nov-17 21:58:21

Tell your DM/DGM to get a bloody grip....good luck with your section flowers

AccrualIntentions Sat 04-Nov-17 22:02:16

No, she can piss off! I've already told my parents and in laws I probably won't be seeing anyone at the hospital. A little grumbling from MIL but everyone else been quite understanding that we probably will just wait to get home.

MrsOverTheRoad Sat 04-Nov-17 22:09:33

I can't imagine not allowing my own Mother in to see my children or saying I wouldn;t want to see her immediately.....unless you're unwell, why wouldn't you?

Don't you get on with her very well?

niknac1 Sat 04-Nov-17 22:13:02

You are entitled to make this decision at the time, it was thoughtless of your mum to do this when you are feeling vulnerable. Please ignore her, there will be lots of time to see her grandchild she needs to put her own feelings aside. Hope you are feeling better soon and good luck.

Skittlesandbeer Sat 04-Nov-17 22:14:20

Poor you! That is the opposite of what you needed, and actively cruel on her part.

I will say that at least now you know the truth, that this baby is more important to her than you or your (very reasonable) needs.

Keep this in mind after the baby comes, in dealings with your DM. Whatever she’s offering to do ‘to help you’ will likely end up with her helping herself.

It took me 4 confusing and upsetting years to have this epiphany with my mum. The idea of grandparenting was like a drug. Not so much the reality. As my therapist put it ‘she’s a lot more interested in the Grand part, than the Parenting part’.

I truly hope you DM’s horrible behaviour was only a blip, and that she apologises very soon. If not, set your future boundaries with her very firmly. If she is careless with your mental health, you need to be careful with her. Hugs.

KeepItAsItIs Sat 04-Nov-17 22:15:45

It doesn't matter when others feel they were fine and wanted family around 2 seconds after the birth. You are not sure how you will feel and want to wait, which is understandable. Your mother sounds unsupportive and like a cow. Her feelings do NOT trump yours in any way.

I had a vaginal birth that turned out to be pretty awful. No way would I have had visitors that first day. After my planned section though, I felt fine and had my first visitors a couple of hours later. They were more than prepared to wait but I actually felt good. It wasn't planned that way though and if I hadn't felt well, they would have waited.

YANBU to wait and see how you feel. Her attitude would make me more inclined to make her wait more tbh.

FavouriteElephantTeddy Sat 04-Nov-17 22:17:07

Is there a worry that she might bring the 3 year old brother with her? If so can understand not wanting her around until your home/more rested as can imagine 3 year olds won't want to stay in hospital long and your DM might want to stay ages I know my DM did when my now 2 year old was born

timeisnotaline Sat 04-Nov-17 22:18:31

A lot depends on the relationship. Yours is obviously not great. I can't imagine not being happy to have my mum there pretty quickly , but would want to feel a little human before mil came in. Even so would expect that to be the day after, that's the norm in our family. But your mum saying I don't care how you feel is pretty telling, so do what makes you comfortable.

Allthewaves Sat 04-Nov-17 22:22:53

Everyone's different I nearly leapt into mil arms when she visisted as I'd been shoved on a ward, didn't have a clue and spent most of the morning crying (they wouldn't let dh stay)

80sMum Sat 04-Nov-17 22:24:00

I actually quite liked having visitors. My parents came to see me and DS the day he was born and in-laws the day after. I can't imagine that I would have told them not to come, no matter how I was feeling.

But, clearly you are not me, OP, and if you don't want visitors then that is your choice - and your mother would be wise not to push.

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