AIBU to consider trusting him?(73 Posts)
Three months into my marriage and I discover that my new husband hasn't done a day's work since the day that I met him. After dating for two years, commuting to see each other at weekends and then spending a week at each house to accommodate the stepchildren, I discover, to my absolute horror, that my husband hasn't done a day's work since the day we met!
How so, you may ask? I ask that myself too, over and over. It seems that he was freshly redundant when we first dated, had a grievance with employer and took them to court, obviously hoping to win- no such luck, so that takes him six months down the line without work and living off some income support/child benefit. At which point we have been dating six months and things going well. So then, some how or another, he survives, we go on holidays, we travel home to meet the parents etc etc. At which point I am showing off my new catch of whom I am extremely proud.A year on, we discuss marriage, both of us equally excited, he proposes, I say yes!
As we are both a little older and family are most important to us, we settle for a small overseas affair, my family and friends flying out. Throughout this time, much of wedding has gone on my card (more because I had handbag at the right time) and thought we were together forever, so things would even out, so not really keeping a running total.
To cut a long story short, I buy us a house and a visit from his old landlord illuminates the fact he is 6 months behind with rent- I go ballistic and ask how this could be- especially as he has savings. I pay this off, he promises to repay me. I had always known he earnt less than me, but just thought he was paying a lot out on step children costs.
After this event, he realises that he has lost my trust as I am livid that he hid his debts from me and life continues... until a week or so later, when he disappears. Anyway, his conscience has got the better of him and he realises that he can no longer live the lie. He messages me, he has travelled off to the mountains to clear his head and then in the same message explains that he has no job, hasn't had a job since the day that we met and has been 'shuffling money to survive!'
Well, had we not been married, I would have been out of there like a flash and not returned.
As I live overseas, I went to see in-laws, they were mortified and took my side.
So the upshot is- he's back! He has apologised. I have called him all the names under the sun. He has promised me that he will make it up to me. He has sold all of his worldly goods and is busily renovating the house that I bought us in a bid to show he is reformed, whilst applying for jobs. Credit where due, he is applying for anything and everything and has a part time job while still applying that covers the bills.
A good friend said to me this week- so do you really think it will all be over when he has a permanent job and is an equal and a professional again? I couldn't answer. I know what he has done in the last two years, loved me and lifted me up and made me feel alive. He has seen me through stressful times in my demanding job as I am overseas without family and we have had fun and made memories and I LOVE HIM.
His bad choices have totally screwed up my financial situation and there is no way that he can stand on his feet for a while nevermind pay of the 10K plus that he owes me...,
Can I really love and forgive a man who has lied for me for all of the time I have known him? Do I even know who he is???
nobody can answer that but you.
i think in your heart you probably already know the answer to your questions.
I would. I can see how a normally decent person could get into this mess. He didn’t mention the redundancy when you met as he was trying to impress you. He though the grievance would go in his favour. He thought he would get another job etc...
If he is an otherwise stand up guy I would give him a chance. One more lie and it would be over though.
Your whole relationship is built on a lie/omission of the truth. I couldn’t stay after that. Leave, divorce him and sue the bastard for every penny.
I want to say yes, but the thing is he has, as you say, literally lied to you every single day since you met. I don't think I could let that go.
Sounds like a movie script or TV drama. Your relationship has no trust as a foundation and for me, that’d be a deal breaker.
What stands out to me in your OP is the fact that all was revealed once you had got married. Look, I obviously don't know the guy or the ins and outs of your relationship but it seems like a bit of a set up on his part. He knew this would eventually come out so he made it more difficult for you to end your partnership by marrying you.
He had plenty of opportunity to come clean and any decent man or woman who found themselves in his predicament would have sat their partner down and laid the cards on the table before the marriage.
Did you discuss wedding costs with him and what was his response? I know you say you were the one with card on you at the time but surely you sat down at some point to talk about costs especially when it was looking like you were shelling out for the lot.
It would be cheaper to divorce him now than later.
The thing is, you say you love him but the man you love doesn't actually exist, he's a figment of your dh's imagination. It sounds like every step of your relationship has been established on total fabrication.
Would you have fallen in love with him if you'd known he was a jobless fantasist from the start?
To cut a long story short, I buy us a house
WTF?! Why didn't you buy a house together? Didn't huge alarm bells start ringing then?
I wouldn't trust a word that came out of this man's mouth ever again.
If you give him a chance, ffs be more practical this time. Have him sign a post nuptial agreement, don't ever pay for anything for him, live separately, have him prove he can get a job, pay off his debts and get back in Control. Love is not money and you don't need to get him a penny if he loves you.
What Appuskidu said ^^
I can (maybe) see the story around the redundancy, but what happened after that to make you believe he was working? And where was he all day if not at work?
Since you mentioned living abroad, can I ask if this is one of those scenarios where a national entices a foreign woman with money into marriage on false pretences?
What a strange and unfortunate series of events
I dont understand if you just pressumed he was working or if he actually lied? Was he saying he was going to work and telling you about work?
If he just never mentioned and you pressumed i wouldnt kick him straight out the door. If he telling you he was working and not and doing it so well you belived it, what else can he lie about? I would find that near impossible to forgive i think.
He got up and went out each day! To the library, walking etc.
The thought blows my mind!
He didn't just lie, he deceived you systematically over years until you were legally tied to him. He faked the past, the present and the future. I'd be considering if an annulment were possible (possibly some googling then asking a lawyer) but if not (because that's a bit dramatic, there may not be grounds, and it's 2017) certainly divorce.
But you love him. He treats you with utter contempt and distain, he calls the shots, he chooses when to go to the mountains and to come home when the money runs out. He isn't doing a convincing act of loving you. How are you letting him come back? There is no explanation good enough for this.
Although let me know if annulment pans out, it would make a great plot for a novel!
He deceived you on a daily basis and you bought him a house!
Yeah that level of deceit i would really struggle with, but thats me. I dont think anyone can answer this but you.
What kimmy said though was very good if you decide you want to try.
Only you will ever know if you can forgive this. I think the advice of getting a post nup an extremely good one if you decide to stay.
I would also think that your in laws must have known about his lack of a job?
The other thing to consider is this may not be the only thing he's kept from you.
I wouldn't be surprised if he was also up to arse in debt.
Look after yourself OP, you need to start thinking seriously about your future.
You need to take yourself off to the mountains to think not him.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
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