DD and car seat in grandparents car, WIBU to send my own car seat?

[LittleSweetpeaBell]

DD (2.4) goes to MILs one day a fortnight. MIL has a nephew who is a month older than DD, and MIL looks after him on a different day.

MIL has a seat in her car for both children to use. Unfortunately MIL struggles with adjusting the straps so has just left them so they fit the bigger child which is MILs DN, but he's quite a lot bigger than DD - DD is very small for her age, only just weighs 9kg (22lb) and is in 12-18 clothes, the DN is in 3-4 clothes and must weigh at least 30lb (13kg). So DD slides around in the seat and can get herself out of it. I consider it both mine and MILs responsibility to ensure the child is kept safe in the car.

I don't drive but have a seat I use in my DMs car which I could borrow to put in MILs car for the time she has DD. The seat is adjusted to fit DD perfectly and she can't get out of it. MIL has borrowed the seat before when her DNs childminder was ill and his mum needed to work so MIL had both children on the one day.

So WIBU to ask MIL to use our carseat and explain the reasons why? I know if she had an accident and DD was seriously hurt or worse she'd never forgive herself. Would you be offended if asked to use a specific seat for your grandchild?

[stella23]

No yanbu as long as you explain the reason why. Did she take offence?

[LittleSweetpeaBell]

I haven't said anything yet, worried about upsetting her so thought I'd check here I wasn't going to offend her.

[NoSquirrels]

If she can't adjust the straps, then it's much better that you provide her with the safer option. You can't let your DD be unsafe in anyone's car.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

We had the same issue with MIL. We suggested she got a new one or borrowed ours and she bought a new one so to save the bother of swapping it round. She wasn't bothered as you could have sat an extra child on DS' knee it was so loose!

[BenLui]

I’d be less concerned about upsetting my MIL an more concerned about my child’s safety.

[talkshowhost97]

Even if she would take offense it doesn't matter. What you describe is clearly unsafe. No need to fall out about it, just turn up with the seat and explain why. Some things like too many sweets at grandmas don't really matter. Not being properly restrained in her car, that is non-negotiable no matter who gets offended.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

Why can't she adjust the straps? Normally you have to loosen/pull them tight every time the child gets in/out anyway? I assume its 5 pt harness seat?

[Anatidae]

‘Gosh these straps are hard to do MIL! No we can’t have you struggling with these, they’re so hard to adjust. I’m going to bring our car seat because we’ve set it up just right for x. Should be much easier for you, I’ll fit it and take it out each time.’

[LittleSweetpeaBell]

It's quite an old seat, she had it a few years ago when DNs sister was in a Group 1 seat and she's now 6!

[Fruitcorner123]

Not unreasonable and I wouldnt be offended

[Misspilly88]

No of course yanbu!

[FruitCider]

If your baby is 9kg then put them in stage 0+. Anyway, the straps need to be loosened and tightened each time to ensure they are tight enough.

[ijustwannadance]

Do it. Your DD's safety is far more important than your mil's feelings.

[Primaryteach87]

I would phrase it carefully but yanbu. Perhaps say (breezily) “these things are so tricky to adjust aren’t they! It must be so worrying for you having X be able to escape. I’ll bring one from home. It’s no bother and saves everyone the worry”.

[littledinaco]

If she struggles to adjust the straps then your DD isn't really safe in any seat. As FruitCider says, the straps need to be tightened each time to ensure they fit properly as will depend on what clothes she is wearing and how she's sitting in the seat. If the straps are tight enough, it's really hard to fasten without loosening them.

You should struggle to get your fingers under them when done tight enough.

You can get some seats where the straps make a 'click' noise when on tight enough so at least MIL doesn't have to worry she has done them right.

[Glitterbabe69]

Car seat safety isn't something you can mess with, if you're little one is so light/small she should still be rear facing for a start.

[museumum]

If she can’t adjust the straps there’s no way I’d let her put the seat in and out!
So it depends if you can fit it yourself or leave it in.
But really I can’t see how adjusting the straps can be hard. You need to do it even between the child wearing a tshirt and thick jumper!

[Booboostwo]

As above I find I have to adjust harness straps all the time because DC is sitting a bit differently, wearing different clothes, etc so she will need to figure out how to do it either way. Refitting a seat each time is usually quite fiddle as well, can she do that?

[NapQueen]

Mine rear faced til 4yo so I always just put my seat in MIL s ansd DMs cars. No comments needed, "you hold dd i will shove her seat in". I wont compromise on car safety whatever offence it may cause.

[Ploppymoodypants]

I had a similar issue. MIL bought a cheap car seat from somewhere like Asda and it was actually the worst safety rating of any when I looked it up. She had it for DN, but when she has DD I am afraid I insisted on her using our car seat. I literally just used to deliver DD with the seat (we used to meet half way between us and so I simply put The seat in cat with DD! and MIL had to bring it back when she dropped DD back! I felt really bad that I was implying it was good enough for DN but not DD. But I was not responsible for DN, his own parents were and I felt I had to look out for DD. Luckily MIL is v understanding and put it down to me being PFB, and humoured me 😊

[LittleSweetpeaBell]

My daughter can't be rear facing due to a hip condition as rear facing can cause problems for her, but she's ok as she can legally be in a Group 1 seat anyway.

The straps are actually easier to adjust on my seat as they click. On MILs seat when her DN is in it you can't get your fingers under the straps, but with DD she can get out of it although she doesn't because she knows not to

[LittleSweetpeaBell]

The seat is easy to fit, I put it in my mums car all the time as I keep it at my house in case I ever need to use a taxi.

[coconutpie]

How can rear-facing be a problem for her hips? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Rear-facing is 5x safer than forward facing, you know and I have never heard of it being a problem for hips and I know plenty of people who have DC with hip issues.

I’m shocked that you actually need to ask about upsetting MIL vs your child’s safety in a car. MIL clearly doesn’t give a shit about your child’s safety as she won’t ensure she’s in the car safely. You shouldn’t even allow MIL to drive your baby ANYWHERE unless your baby is strapped in properly.

[coconutpie]

And I’m sorry if you find my post a bit blunt but I’m actually really angry that you’ve allowed your tiny baby in an unsafe car seat. Do you know what could happen if they were in a crash and your baby is not strapped in? Yes, it’s unthinkable. It’s actually illegal to not have a child in an appropriate seat.

[mimiholls]

I can't believe this is even a question. Your daughter can get herself out of her car seat and you're tip toeing around how to address this with mil? It's illegal for her not to be secured properly let alone potentially fatal. I wouldn't be sparing a second thought on how to tell her, i would just be telling her in no uncertain terms she uses your car seat and learns how to use it safely.