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Self-esteem and confidence tips please!

(17 Posts)
Pippatips Fri 03-Nov-17 09:29:02

Just wondering if anyone can give any advice please.

I get really anxious and self-conscious when talking to people, and find it quite hard to relax (it doesn't even really depend on who it is, it can be anyone, even really close family and friends, depending on how self-conscious I'm feeling at the time). I always want to say the 'right' thing' and do the 'right' thing, and please people. I also find it really hard to say no. The rest of my family are also like this. I also get really apologetic when I'm with people, often for no reason really. I'm just really keen to be liked, and quite sensitive as well, I think.

I read some tips on self-esteem rwcnsfly, which has started to help me improve and feel less self-conscious, but I'm just wondering if you might have any other tips on how I can change this please?

Thanks so much smile

Sindri Fri 03-Nov-17 09:35:53

Sorry, no tips, but following as I have the same problem blush

Foundwantingalways Fri 03-Nov-17 09:39:29

Following too, and flowers you are not alone in this.

missiondecision Fri 03-Nov-17 09:40:50

Chin up, each day is a new start.

HateSummer Fri 03-Nov-17 09:44:43

I started spraying Rescue Remedy in my mouth the day I started my new job. I get flustered very quickly and didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. It really helped me for months and made me relax, gradually I stopped taking it and felt I could act the part like I had when I took the rescue remedy.

I know it’s not probably a good way to confidence but it really helped me. I can now have conversations with people without feeling self conscious.

Leilaniii Fri 03-Nov-17 09:55:35

I always want to say the 'right' thing' and do the 'right' thing, and please people.

This is the problem. I used to be like this. I was constantly dissecting everything I'd said and hating myself for saying dumb things.

I couldn't give a fuck now. I'm a nice person, I'm kind, I'm funny, some people don't like me, but most do. I decided to be myself rather than create a persona that I thought would be acceptable to everyone else. The truth is, most people are so obsessed with themselves, they don't care what you do or say.

I read this book called 'Be Your Own Life Coach' by Fiona someone-or-other. It was quite life-changing for me and helped me get some confidence. Maybe it could help you, too?

Pippatips Fri 03-Nov-17 13:28:23

Thanks so much everyone!! smile all really good advice. flowers for anyone else in the same situation.

Just bumping this in case anyone else has any more advice smile

Thanks again for all of your ideas.

HairsprayBabe Fri 03-Nov-17 13:46:44

I think my biggest breakthrough came when I realised nobody else that mattered cared much about what was going on with me.

Not in a harsh way, just that they were too focused on their own issues to be judging me.

Nobody is paying that much attention to you, nobody is judging your merit by the way you look and by the way you speak, most people couldn’t give a damn what you’re like unless you’re entering into some huge relationship with them.

The fact of the matter is that you are much much harsher on yourself than anybody ever will be.

The simple fact of the matter is that nobody cares that much about you, especially not the bartender or the takeaway delivery bloke.

If you keep in mind the fact that everyone is starring in their own movie, it gives you some perspective that people matter the most to themselves.

They are the only ones judging their actions so harshly and the same goes for you.

The only people who matter that strongly to anyone is themselves, and nobody cares that you stuttered or that said something weird in that interaction.

The fact is they are probably so focused on their own performance that they didn’t even realize you stuttered.

You are your own worst enemy and you are your own worst critic, and anything that happens that feels weird or awkward is only escalated in your own head.

Chances are it didn’t even matter.

The best way to combat this is to accept your worst fears about everything.

If you accept that the absolute worst thing happened and get comfortable with any notion, you’ll find that most of the time your interactions are actually pretty good.

My advice, just try not to give your own inner voice more credence than it deserves.

This is especially true for anyone with anxiety.

Most of the time it doesn’t matter. We should all try to remember that.

redexpat Fri 03-Nov-17 13:56:49

I read nice girls dont get the corner office. That helped me.

amicissimma Fri 03-Nov-17 14:37:31

IME, one way to help is to push yourself out of your comfort zone; kind of 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. So each time you make yourself do or say something you 'can't' do and the world keeps turning, it makes the next time easier.

The reverse is also true. If you don't force yourself to do or say whatever it is you 'can't', and you're OK, you are proving to yourself that not doing/saying [whatever it is] caused you to be OK. Which is a fallacy, because you'd almost certainly have been OK if you had done/said it.

I also think that it isn't 'nice' to treat people dishonestly. So if you say you're OK to do something which you really don't want to, you're not 'being nice', you're being dishonest. Don't you prefer people who are straight with you?

Pippatips Fri 03-Nov-17 20:21:45

Thanks so much everyone smile really really helpful advice.

EmiliaAirheart Fri 03-Nov-17 22:09:02

It’s not a quick fix, but I’d really recommend looking up Brené Brown on YouTube, and working through her books if you click with her message and style.

PeachMelba78 Fri 03-Nov-17 22:15:03

I actually recorded a video all about how to appear more confident - give it a watch and let me know if you found it useful!

trashcanjunkie Fri 03-Nov-17 22:54:40

I second brene brown, her ted talk on the power of vulnerability is amazing. Also Amy Cuddy’s ted talk on power poses.

rachelandmike77 Sat 04-Nov-17 00:07:05

It is all to do with your self esteem and confidence, hard to suggest how to improve it thoughsad it sounds like you have social anxiety?

I think because you feel uncomfortable with most people including family, it goes beyond being shy as you’re doubting yourself and over thinking. The best way to improve is 1. Getting yourself out of the house more/trying new things/being more social and building yourself up or 2. Seeing your doctor and discussing your social anxiety and seeing if they can help. You may have low vitamin D etc levels - it’s very common.

With me, I worked in retail for years at a massive London flagship before my current job, as a result I have no confidence issues talking to new people or needing a thick skin or making small talk as I’m used to it. When I first started at 16 though I was much less confident than I am now and gave awful customer service (lol) but now I can talk customers into spending 1000s. It just comes with experience and having confidence in yourself, and being proud of yourself/your life. You just need to build yourself up to that point, and keep the people in your life that have a positive impact on you and don’t bring your psyche down

DameDoom Sat 04-Nov-17 00:12:39

Self-hypnosis has been a life saver for me. I download from Hypnoshop and it really has helped. The mp3s are about 25 minutes long and quite relaxing.

nameusername Sat 04-Nov-17 04:10:08

I find being comfortable in your own skin and learning to have a thick skin helps. Even if the other party shows their irritation towards you or your perceived slight of their actions, learn to ignore/block/thick skin mode on and try not to take it too heart as long as it wasn't a major FU.

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