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Aibu to want dh to give up and move on

(76 Posts)
butterflyflutterbies Fri 03-Nov-17 07:05:36

My dh has had a business for 7 years. In the past i have worked there with him but the last few years we have started to home educate our 6 children as some of the have autism and learning difficulties which we really creating issues at school.

So now I stay at home with them full time.
My dhs business has limped along for all those years. It supports 4 staff and basic costs but it leaves us with a small amount of money for ourselves at the end of the month - we would be earning pretty much the same each month if he worked a minimum wage job somewhere else.

We have never been able to take our kids on holiday, we buy everything in charity shops and I’m totally sick of dh being stressed and miserable. He leaves the house at 6am and gets back at 7pm on a good day or 10-11 on a bad.

If he was doing his job for someone else we would be more than comfortable it’s a relatively well paid occupation but my dh “hates working for other people”.

He often ends up working weekends as well so there is no time of day where I can get any kind of part time Work .

I do have a small online business which I make a little money from this goes towards extra expenses for example all Christmas costs will come from this.

But realistically I have 6 children to look after, and educate plus trying to run this little side business to meet my costs.

Dh has now said he wants to give up the business so I started getting my hopes up things would improve. But he starting a NEW business .

I feel like crying. Aibu to want him to just give it all up?

Creampastry Fri 03-Nov-17 07:11:46

What is the current business and what is the new one? Could it be better? Is he going to be making people redundant, will he have costs for these? Sounds like he needs to man up and get a proper job

butterflyflutterbies Fri 03-Nov-17 07:14:04

The current business is a web development business the new business is an actual business run through a website . It could make money but equally it could not.

He is just literally going to change the focus of his current employees so no redundancy .

HollyandBrambles Fri 03-Nov-17 07:15:55

I’d agree it sounds like he needs to get a better job, maybe give him a limit of 6 months or so with the new business but if it’s no good then that’s it.

Also, you are absolutely amazing to look after and home educate 6 kids!!

chipscheeseandgravy Fri 03-Nov-17 07:22:46

Could the new business be run as a side project until it gathers momentum enough to be a full time business? Not sure if one of your current employees could do that? Or if it would stretch your dh to thinly?

butterflyflutterbies Fri 03-Nov-17 07:25:44

Chips - if he made the employees redundant and closed the business he could run the new one as a side business himself . But he doesn’t want to make people redundant . In reality there is no need for them in the new business at the moment.

Ttbb Fri 03-Nov-17 07:28:52

YANBU. If he can't make enough to support his family on his own then he needs to suck it up and go find a job.

Rollmopsrule Fri 03-Nov-17 07:35:19

Creampastry
'Sounds like he needs to man up and get a proper job'
I can't stand all this man up nonsense! He works hard, employs 4 people and supports wife and 6 kids to enable her to stay at home and home educate. How is that not a 'proper job'?? We have good jobs but if we had 6 kids to look after there wouldn't be much left at the end of the month.
If he would be truelly unhappy working for someone else then I wouldn't persue that line of thinking.

Rollmopsrule Fri 03-Nov-17 07:36:47

# i meant pursue...rubbish at spelling!

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis Fri 03-Nov-17 07:56:41

OP I couldn't read and run! I could have written your post myself (but we have 2 children).

You are describing my DH! We are in the same position as you, my DH is making very little money and we would be much better off if he would give up working for himself (but like your DH he doesn't want to work for anyone else), he also works looooong hours and weekends, won't take any holiday because he can't earn anything if he isn't working, can't be sick because he doesn't get paid. It is so frustrating!

You are NOT unreasonable for asking him to give up his business and get another job.

If he was enjoying his work and earning well then you would be unreasonable but financially he's work set up isn't working for your family.

I have told my DH I'm happy for him to have his own business and I can accept that means working long hours and I also understand it would be really hard to go back to working for someone else BUT, the stress of your own business plus long hours plus little family time has to have good financial rewards to make it worthwhile. If it doesn't then it's not worth doing and 'we' as a family (and him!), would be better off with him having a regular job with set hours, a set salary, holiday and sick pay, working for someone else.

I feel your frustration!

JaneEyre70 Fri 03-Nov-17 07:57:26

My DH runs a business, and we've had really good times with it and equally tough ones. We can never predict his income which can be really hard to plan things with but we have a strict rule of putting money aside in the peak trading periods to cope with wage, tax and VAT bills during the tougher times.
It would be seriously hard for him to go and work for someone else after years of being the one in control and given that he's paying 5 lots of wages and making some profit, there must be some value in the business. Would it help to get someone in to go over the books and running process to see if there are any ways of saving money/being more efficient? Sometimes it's easy just to do something a certain way just because that's how it's always been done.

GracielaSabrocita Fri 03-Nov-17 07:58:15

I'm with Rollmopsrule. The husband is working very long hours and is making enough to support his wife and 6 kids, despite the wife not having a job herself, and he's also responsible for keeping other people employed - yet not only is that not good enough, according to one poster he's not a real man due to his low wages.

If a couple with 6 children want more money maybe they should send the children to school and both work for a living. Or accept that having 6 children and one working parent is not necessarily a passport to an affluent lifestyle.

Or I suppose the OP could leave her husband and look for a richer man - the logical outcome of some sentiments expressed here.

goodnessidontknow Fri 03-Nov-17 08:00:36

If the business is supporting 4 employees it must be worth looking at restructuring before completely changing direction.
It sounds as though he has a good business offering so would he consider getting some business mentoring to help him see where he can make changes?
Honestly, it doesn't seem the most sensible approach to move the staff on to a new venture as he won't have the ongoing turnover to pay wages at the start.
It must be very stressful for you both.

Gazelda Fri 03-Nov-17 08:08:30

I agree with goodness. Surely it’s worth seeking help to see if there’s a way of making the current business more profitable? And work better for you and your family in terms of his work hours?

expatinscotland Fri 03-Nov-17 08:10:28

So you want him to make 4 people redundant to make your life easier? Yeah, YABU. It will make him miserable to work for someone else. You chose to home school 6 kids. Of course you're probably not going to have holidays and extras when you have such a large family unless there's quite a bit of income.

glow1984 Fri 03-Nov-17 08:15:36

You could send them to school, push for better support, and work yourself.

Just a thought.

You can’t be doing that badly. DP and I are just about managing with 1.

BarbarianMum Fri 03-Nov-17 08:23:27

6 children and a minimum wage job won't amount to many holidays either.

As a matter of interest as you mention that some of your children are autistic, does your dh have any asd traits? My BiL has aspergers and hasnt worked for anyone else since he was 25. Has to be his own boss (and very successfully too).

luckyDuvet Fri 03-Nov-17 08:24:31

I have run my own business, and frankly if he is bringing in enough to employ 4 people then he is doing well. I agree that first he should look at where he could cut back or become more efficient.

Trafalgarxxx Fri 03-Nov-17 08:28:48

So you want him to make 4 people redundant to make your life easier?

Nope that would be making people redundant because the business isn’t strong enough to pay them!
Because it’s all well and good to that it’s making enough money to pay them but if the business owner isn’t paying himself (or paying himself a pittance) then it’s nit working.

It’s not about ‘making her life easier’ as such. That’s just making it an emotional issue and saying that the OP and her 6dcs well being isn’t as important as the one of the 4 employees. Which is utterly wrong. The OP deserves to have a real income coming in as much as any of the employees in the business. There should never be the way to decide if a business is viable or not.

Trafalgarxxx Fri 03-Nov-17 08:30:45

6 dcs and a minimum wage won’t allow you for some holidays.
But it will allow the OP to have some support in the evenings and at weekends. It will allow for the dcs to see their dad and for her DH to see his dcs. It will allow him not to spend all his time working and just have a life.

Unlike what is going atm.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Fri 03-Nov-17 08:31:20

It sounds like he had a good business and must be bringing in a lot of monkey to employ 4 people and support his own family.
He needs someone to help him look at his business structure and see if he can improve things somewhere.
Could he move offices and save money?
Does he need all 4 people?
Could he focus on one thing a little more and bring in more money?

It must be very hard looking after all the dc while he works such long hours but I’m struggling to understand how himtaking on a minimum wage job will support you all.

Trafalgarxxx Fri 03-Nov-17 08:38:53

OP I agree with you. If he is working that many hours and is earning so little, then he would be better using his time in a different way. That would be more productive for him and for you as a family.

I think he needs some input form someone else, a good accountant who will be able to give him some financial advice and some hard talking about what a profitable business is.
It is totally possible that he isn’t efficient in his way of running the business. It is possible that he has taken too many people on board anyway. Or that, actually, he has little chance to make it profitable anyway.

But he needs to understand what isn’t working well so that he doesn’t repeat the same mistakes with the new business.
He also needs a plan in place so he can transition form one business to the other.
And he needs a serious review of what is and isn’t acceptable to do re the family finances.

Fwiw, yes some people are more suited to be self employed. But if you need money to eat, you just do. And if that means em0oyed work, than that’s what it is.
Yes you can send your dcs to school start working yourself etc... butbthat should be a FAMILY decisions that will take into account everyone needs. No way that the OP should just go back to work, send her dcs to school when it didn’t suit them, just to protect her DH from doing someth8ng he isnt keen in.
Sometimes needs must. But that applies to the OP Just as much as her DH.

Trafalgarxxx Fri 03-Nov-17 08:42:03

I’m struggling to understand how himtaking on a minimum wage job will support you all
Maybe that’s because they are actually living on minimum wage themselves atm. So income wise ther wouod be no difference at all??

It doesn’t matter if the business if the business ‘is making a lot of money’ because it can employ 4 people. That business will still bring a very small benefit if the DH can only pay himself minimum wage (which it is only managing). That’s not my definition of a profitable business.

ForgivenessIsDivine Fri 03-Nov-17 08:43:39

Do you have any friends who might be able to help him.. perhaps he can continue with both businesses? Keep the existing staff to run the old business and he can run the new one. Or assign one person the responsibility of running the new one.. Are the existing staff proactive? Could they be given performance related targets and bonuses / a big all hands meeting to discuss where the business is going, how inefficient it is and how to make more money / throw in the idea that closing is an option. With a bit of luck, one will relish the idea of the new business and run with it, one will look elsewhere and quietly slink away and the other two will accept the challenge and find ways to make the existing business more efficient and profitable. It sounds like he needs a business manager rather than someone who can just do the technical web page creation so perhaps they need to look at the skills in the team and assign responsibilities more appropriately.

Leilaniii Fri 03-Nov-17 08:44:18

Could you do any of the jobs that his employees currently do?

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