To confront Ex about 'babysitting'???

[user9217]

This is long hope it makes sense!!!

Basically, ExH has started to accept, suggest and even offer babysitting for our DS (10 months - where he will come over, give dinner put to bed and listen out for him til I get home etc)

But recently when I’ve asked him if he wants to/can do it I just get a reply of ‘no’ no reason or anything just a straight ‘no’ but he often whinges at me if He finds out that my mum or best friend has babysat for me to take extra shift(s) at Work or go out etc. But I ask him and he just says no all the time after saying he wants to/will do it?!

So my AIBU is, wanting to go out next Saturday afternoon to the cinema with some friends, an also ask him to do a date in early December for Work xmas so if he says no to either/both of them do I say anything? And what do I say?

I feel it’s unfair that he already does hardly anything because he works/has a life etc - but then so do I?!! I just feel like f he doesn’t actually want to do it then he shouldn’t offer/suggest it?!
Help please!!!

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Do you have any sort of structure, ie set days where he looks after DS or does he just pop round when he feels like it? Also why is he doing this at your house and not his?

[user9217]

@CherryChasingDotMuncher he has regular access Saturday mornings at my house (atm) we have discussed him taking him out/to his house but he’s just not bothered!! I should add that when he does come to see DS he is not involved with him at all, isn’t interested in anything he does and Just gets annoyed when DS doesn’t just sit and play so ExH can watch tv (even thought I’ve turned it off before he arrives!!!) so at this point I am not confident enough for him to take him away and be without me as he’s shown no capability or even interest in it!!!

[gamerchick]

Don’t ask him. He then has the power to fuck with your plans.

Or at least have a plan b.

[Ragusa]

Wtf! You would be far eternal off with established contact days so you know where you stand.
Does this plonker have a bit of a power trip thing going oN? Or, is he trying to do the right thing by showing willing in general warm words but not delivering/committing?

I think you need to give him DS at least 2 days per week. How has it ended up with you as the default parent and him dipping in and out when he has the time or inclination? 😣

[user9217]

@gamerchick I always do. He’s never in control of my plans/life any more. My mum says she is always happy to have him but she has him during the week whilst I am at work so I feel bad asking her to do more where he does nothing and I feel he should share some responsibility? But even that’s not the point he offers it then says no every time I ask him.

[MinervaSaidThar]

It hardly seems worth it to have him visit.

Tell him he can have every other Saturday but he has to take DS to his and sort out meals/nappies etc himself.

He sounds controlling.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Sounds like his motivation is to control you and prevent you from going out, more than a wish to see his DC. Did you bin him for being controlling in the first place? Also, does he pay maintenance?

With men like this, you have to do your best to make sure you are not relying on them for anything, as they will fuck you over just because they can. If he agrees a date to see DC, don't let him know what you intend to do, particularly if it's important, and have someone else on standby if you do want to go out or need to work.

[Ragusa]

far better off....

Notwithstanding eg mental health issues on the father's part, we have established already that this bloke is useless and highly unlikely to change.

Just act as if he isn't there. Make your own plans and care arrangements. If he wants to see his son he will have to do so around your schedule. You can make DS available for contact without indulging his failure to commit.

If he doesn't like that, he can go to court.

[user9217]

Sorry maybe I wasn’t clear his arranged visit times are every Saturday morning (with or without the ‘babysitting’) he pays regular maintenance all of the above agreed between us

[user9217]

So what are people’s opinions on the babysitting front? Do I just stop asking him and let him carry on a care free childless responsibility free life or should he pitch in and do his fair share just like me?! Or do I stand my ground and say ‘you offered these why do you keep saying no? If you don’t wanna do it then stop saying it’ along those lines?

[Ragusa]

Sat morning is nothing as a regular commitment. Only 1/14th of your child's waking hours being generous there, probably less

Do you go out during these contact mornings or are you around doing mumming as well?

This guy is no good as a father and is unlikely to be any help to you. Just tell him straight: "it'd be great to have a regular evening/overnight slots. That woukd be best for DS. This ad hoc arrangement doesn't work for DS and me so let's leave that for now. "

Don't go begging him for childcare. Elevates him way beyond his status and saps your power and control.

[Ragusa]

Cross post. Take control back, dont try and persuade him into looking after his own child. Demeaning. And casts you as the arranger of child care/ responsible parent.

He will bleat you are 'depriving him of contact' and 'being awkward' . Don't fall for that claptrap.

[user9217]

Ah see I’d get the blame for that @Ragusa as our arrangement (before I went back to work on MAT leave) was Saturday morning and 1 weeknight either Tuesday or Wednesday. But after I went back to work he ended up always coming when DS was tired, or we wanted to go out somewhere (on my day off from work - shocking that I would leave the house and not sit in and wait for him to come!!) so I suggested around August time that we dropped the midweek and extended the Saturday which he happily agreed to

[rightknockered]

On the odd times that he has managed to do child care, how has he looked after your DS. If he is capable at those times, then he is capable of it on a Saturday. Can you just drop of your son to him on Saturdays?
My ex used to insist on coming to my house for contact, and he even used my car. I put a stop to it.
Your ex won't change unless you stop putting up with it.

[Ragusa]

Pas you are doing waaaaaayour more than your fair share by the way.

Maintenance is just money, not respect, caring, responsibility and love. Don't give him too much credit for paying probably nit anywhere near half of his dues.

[butterfly56]

OP you are really wasting your time with this guy.
He wants to sit in your house on a saturday morning watching tv!
And his son happens to be there. He's obviously not engaging with his son. Whether he will in the future is anyone's guess.

Ok he pays maintenance but that as much as you're going to get from him.
Stop asking him, you will always be on the back foot with him. He will let you down at the last minute even if he agrees beforehand.

Honestly it's so much easier to pay a babysitter than waste your precious time on him.

[user9217]

The odd once or twice he HAS babysat I’ve had him on the phone the whole time whinging that he hasn’t gone to sleep in 3 minutes. How do I .... where is.... what do I do.... etc. I try to teach him/tell him LOADS and he just will not listen. He is not interested in DS when he comes on Saturdays he doesn’t wanna be involved and gets annoyed if he whinges or cries etc. He has no capability at all hence why visits are at mine. I am in and out during visits might pop to the shop, do washing/cleaning but I know that DS is comfortable in his own home so makes it better for him. There are other long reasons why he hasn’t taken him to his house yet too

[HeddaGarbled]

Clearly, he's a deadbeat dad. This is what I think you should do:

Suggest a regular arrangement e.g. Every other Friday evening or whatever day works well for you. Do this by text or email so that you have evidence when he says no, which he will.

Once he's said no, don't ask again. Use your alternatives.

Next time he offers to "babysit" repeat as above.

[rightknockered]

Oh FFS, is he a child?

[user9217]

@rightknockered yes pretty much!!!

[user9217]

He refused to babysit Saturday night as he works on a Sunday (an extra job he HAD to take as I “take all his money each week”) 🤔🤔 no that money is for the child that you are technically 50% responsible for!!!

[rightknockered]

When he has him, stop answering the phone.
My ex would bring the dc back to my house for all sorts of spurious reasons, like their hands needing washing etc. I made sure I was out. I refused to answer the phone and made him text me. Any texts of "ring me asap" I would ignore.
His thing now is to constantly turn up late or not turn up at all. They don't change

[user9217]

He never rings - only texts. I think he must be doing it to show other people “look I contacted her regarding DS and she ignored me” etc. Twat

[user9217]

@HeddaGarbled that is quite a good idea. Yes he is useless. It bothers me that he has such little interest in his own child! Everyone that knows me/him knows that he only sticks around cause he is ‘entitled’ to and ‘has rights’ as the father (yes he has used those quotes before to my face

[LeggyLinda]

Most previous replies have already covered my general opinion.

But with regards to the specific question of whether you should ask him to babysit, it would depend on how you think he would react - is he likely to be spiteful and deliberately try to disrupt your plans?

The reason i ask is that you could say you have plans for Saturday, but would like to offer him first chance to spend time with his DS. This way he can’t complain or “whinge” if you then get mum or friend to babysit when he says no.

Of course, this approach won’t work if he is likely to try and scupper your Saturday afternoon.

Like others have said, looking further ahead I think you need a better long term arrangement that suits everyone and stick to it. He seems to only be a father when the mood takes him from the way it sounds