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AIBU?

To reduce DDs activities because it's unfair to cart her siblings around?

109 replies

RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 21:58

DD is ten and loves everything to do with sport and performing. Two days per week we drive from school for 30 mins to a sports class and I take her siblings to soft play for two hours; we arrive home at 6.30. On another day I collect her sister from school while DD10 stays there to do cricket club. I take DD6 to her club then return for DD10 to take her to the older class of the same club and we wait for her for an hour in the cafe. On another day she has a club at 5 so we go to the library after school because it isn't worth driving home in traffic, then food shopping for the 90 mins she's there. On both of those nights we're not home until almost 7. On the other day she has an after school club for an hour so we usually walk the dogs nearby.

Her siblings are aged 6, 4, 3 and new born. None of them complain about all the carting DD around, and they're all really well behaved. However, I feel bad that they hardly have any time to play at home during the week, that they're up late and I feel like I spend a lot of the day preparing for after school - preparing meals/snacks/sports clothes and so don't have much time with the younger ones as a result.

I was thinking of reducing activities to three nights per week so she can pick her favourites but her dad thinks I'm being unfair - whilst simultaneously not offering to help, of course. I'm a lone parent besides DD10 seeing her dad EOW and life is ridiculously hectic. They're all happy the way things are now but they don't know any different as DD has always been busy.

What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:

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EatTheChocolateTeapot · 02/11/2017 22:01

YANBU, 3 days is plenty, she can chill out a bit the rest of the time or play with her siblings.

BarbarianMum · 02/11/2017 22:03

When did you become a lone parent? If very recently (and with a newborn I guess it is pretty recent) then she's undergone a lot of change in the last few months. If I were you I'd be tempted not to make any more changes quite yet.

KindergartenKop · 02/11/2017 22:04

My DS doesn't do any after school activities for this exact reason and his brother is almost 3.

MiddlingMum · 02/11/2017 22:04

What will you do when the others start wanting to do activities of their own, possibly different to DD1?

The rule with ours was two activities each.

RavingRoo · 02/11/2017 22:05

Why are you carting them about, why not drop off and pick her up when her classes have finished?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/11/2017 22:06

I think you are making a brilliant effort. All the things you are doing, soft play, library, walk dogs are great things for kids to be doing, as are the activities for dd1.
If no one is complaining, I would carry on as you are, as long as you don't mind.

MinervaSaidThar · 02/11/2017 22:12

Ignore her dad. I got tired just listening to how much you do.

Has he left you with 4 kids?

BellyBean · 02/11/2017 22:12

Having a newborn gives you a good opportunity to re-evaluate. It sounds a lot of work for you and you don't want to give the younger ones unrealistic expectations about the activities they can partake in.

cansu · 02/11/2017 22:13

That sounds utterly mad tbh. I would not be doing this. Three nights is plenty. I would also be looking at which ones fit best with the rest of the family.

RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 22:14

Barbarian we separated in June. That's partly the reason I'd like more time at home with her and her siblings - to check they're actually ok and not just too busy to be upset.

Middling DD6 is more academic and not particularly interested in activities, and by the time the others are old enough DD10 can take herself.

Raving there's no point driving half hour home to leave again half hour later - we may as well make use of the time instead of sitting in the car all evening.

OP posts:

RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 22:16

Minerva DD10 sees her dad EOW. She has four siblings and I'm now a lone parent to them.

OP posts:

RunningOutOfCharge · 02/11/2017 22:25

she's ten. you need to be supporting her....this is not the age to be messing around with her life. its already taken a big curveball

pre-teen.....tread carefully

BzyB · 02/11/2017 22:28

Id be asking her dad to pick her up and bring her home on the later nights. Or are there any other parents at the school club you could do week-about with?

As for time during the day spent prepping, perhaps purchase a few extra (cheap!) backpacks so she can have one per activity and she could take responsibility for packing them each weekend? ( maybe write notecards for each day if quite a few bits of kit are needed?)
Snacks - I just bring a piece of fruit each and their reusable bottles of water. How much are you packing for each? Could you bulk prep one night for the week? Large ziplock bag per day with fruit or whatever so you can just grab and go?
As for dinners what about a slow cooker with some "dump dinners"? TBH, I usually give a bigger lunch then just do beans on toast or similar when we get home.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 02/11/2017 22:29

Get a rota sorted with other dps.

Isadora2007 · 02/11/2017 22:31

Could you make friends with a parent from the class 30 mins away and share lifts turn about?
Is there an alternative class she can do closer to home?
I’d be also looking to see about sharing lifts at the club she and her 6 year old sister go to.
But I wouldnt be stopping any classes... maybe asking her dad to do one of the runs could work.

RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 22:32

Her dad can't wont help.

Her siblings have lunch at 12 so fruit isn't substantial enough to keep them going until 7.30. One DC has sensory issues related to food (suspected ASD) and two have (different) dietary issues so we can't all eat the same - I usually need to make three different things. I would love to be able to just do beans on toast!

OP posts:

BrutusMcDogface · 02/11/2017 22:34

That sounds exhausting for you, never mind her siblings! Though obviously it isn't ideal to have them out of the house so late and so frequently; the older ones must be tired at school?

How do you fit this all in; do you think you might be driving yourself to an early grave?! (Sorry.....but I'm only half joking!)

Time to have a discussion maybe? Ask her which ones she loves and doesn't want to drop, and explain that it's just all a bit much!

RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 22:35

No one from the far away club lives remotely near us. I don't mind the day that her 6 year old sister does something too as at least it's not just all about DD10. We had to move a few miles from school when DO and I separated so no one from school really lives near us to share lifts with.

OP posts:

pinkliquorice · 02/11/2017 22:36

I would want stopping her from doing things she enjoys to be my absolute last resort.
You said her siblings don’t mind but you do?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/11/2017 22:36

It's mean to have let her start them and then take them away from her. Even more so with the recent upheaval in her life.

She will likely resent her siblings for it.

BrutusMcDogface · 02/11/2017 22:37

Oh and I also second the question of what will you do when the other children want to do activities? How the hell will you afford it all, let alone actually get them there?

Her dad needs to help, if he thinks you're being so "unfair"

FritzDonovan · 02/11/2017 22:37

Is it 4 or 5 days she's got after school activities on? I got a bit lost at the end.
Yanbu to cut down, it must be very full on in your house, and tiring for you organising everyone to get there etc. I think it would be a good idea to cut back to her favourites for a number of reasons. It must cost a lot too. Doesn't she need time to do homework, or downtime to relax? And unless you want to exhaust yourself completely, there's no way you can do the same for her siblings, so she will need to cut back at some point.
Im very impressed that the other kids dont find it difficult!
And if her dad complains, tell him to pull his weight and start running round like you do. Lazy git.

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notsohippychick · 02/11/2017 22:37

I think you’re making an amazing effort keeping the siblings entertained whilst you wait for your other daughter. It’s brilliant what you are doing.

But, you must be exhausted. Siblings aside, you need some down time.

Also as PP said, you have to do the same for the other sibling when they start to find their own jnterests. You can be everywhere.

RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 22:38

She really loves them all - that's the problem. Plus the classes are the minimum; frequently there's shows and competitions too. It's only her and DD6 that are at school. The younger ones do a couple of classes during the day over the week and aren't particularly tired out - they're used to life being busy. I don't mind being busy, I just wish there were more hours in the day!

OP posts:

butterfly56 · 02/11/2017 22:40

You are doing an amazing job with your DCs but you need to look at what is best for you and reducing activities for your dd is not being unreasonable.
Twice during the week is more than enough given the workload you have with 4 DCs.

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