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Arguments with other half

(6 Posts)
Mulch Thu 02-Nov-17 21:46:44

Sorry to blather on had an argument with oh and want some input to see what I'm missing.

He's started a new company, works alot of hours. Gone most of day and works in the evening, I usually pitch in to help. I have started a new job part time when I'm not at work I have little guy so it's not really a day off. 3 days in a row I've don't bath/bed routine he's away following day so it'll be left to me. Had an argument over whos turn it is, he decided he was off out needed to distress and watch Liverpool game. I'd had little guy all day and really needed to crack on with uni work and then do some tidying

He's usually very good with pitching in, he says he's really tired/stressed with new business and just needs a break.

Am I bu expecting him to help out regardless I have my own stresses, work, uni, household stuff that wouldn't even cross his mind. Or should I be more forgiving and do abit extra to help him out. Him just walking out felt really selfish leaving me holding the baby

gardenfence Thu 02-Nov-17 22:29:00

I've been in a similar situation with my partner setting up his own business 10+ years ago, and I gave all of myself to support him in doing that.

During that time I also worked with him and gave all of myself to that too. I've been on both sides, the one at home with the baby and the one at work not wanting to be at home with the kids and frankly I learnt two things. I gave more than I took for a long time.

It is very hard for you to make someone else realise your position and for you to realise someone elses, using words alone. Unless you completely swap roles for a long enough period.

You have been left with the baby caregiver role 3 days on the trot and that is unfair on you and your sanity so you need to, in as respectful a way as possible take what you need when you need it.

I realised that actually a lot of the time I was staying in, battling on like some kind a martyr and being the main care giver, because I actually wanted to.

But it's doing it when you don't want to that is the risk in this situation. I would say to him calmly, I am an independent person with as much right to spend my time doing non mother things. If you don't want to be here doing this then why the hell do you think I do, let's respect each other here. You may not understand how I feel and I may not understand how stressed you are but don't for this to work we need a better balance. Ask him what he proposes doing differently going forward.

It needn't be an arguments sometimes it's just about communication.

Mulch Thu 02-Nov-17 22:31:15

Thank you that's some really good advice. The argument ended on a bad note and neither of us are speaking to one another. Need to bridge that gap

LindyHemming Fri 03-Nov-17 06:43:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mulch Fri 03-Nov-17 08:53:27

He had a sniffle and said he was stressed. I was sooo pissed when he just walked out to go watch footy leaving me to hold the baby. This is where we differ I'd never walk out that's not even an option to me.

gardenfence Fri 03-Nov-17 11:21:15

I'm sorry the argument ended on a bad note. Kids, work stress and tiredness really don't put anyone in a good position for rational discussions. I believe the under 5 years were the hardest of my life!

You mentioned that it is not an option for you to leave the house as he did. Do you mean because of your own principles, values, or it's literally not an option?

Helplessness and lack of freedom, not having options is a horrible feeling. And it's very hard to not start to stack up in your mind how much you've done versus how much he has. Especially as I'm certain you are doing most of the housework. I hated even writing that because in 2017 a part of me wants to believe this can't be true and I shouldn't just assume this.

Him walking out is bound to accentuate that sense of lack of freedom, his liberty and your lack of. If he's out you can't be!

If it's a one off then just let it go, this time in your life is tough enough without turning on each other. However if it kept happening then you'd need to address it.

Get some help in the areas that you aren't enjoying from somewhere other than him if you can, cleaners, child minder, family, friends?

Do you have girlfriends or a community around you, now is a good time to establish some networks, because sometimes what we need doesn't have to come from the home.

I used to imagine I was a single mother and it changed my mindset completely, as in when I stopped thinking about fair share and instead asked myself how I could manage by myself to get rest, take time out for fun/work/study, and be a mother, without my partners help it was easier, less stressful. And any help I did get was a bonus, and actually a lot more than I'd credited him for.

If this was a work project we would agree roles, responsibilities and availability. You say he's normally good at pitching in. Are there some jobs you prefer, it might help if you divvy them up when you are both in a good mood. In our house I always cook but my partner always does the kitchen tidy up. But sometimes this overlaps and that is ok.

I realised I didn't have to make another person do what I wanted to get what I needed for my sanity. Pick your battles and take what you need. You have options if you give them to yourself smile

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