WIBU to not subsidise DHs Shared Parental Leave?

[PurplePipp]

I'll start by saying that DH have separate finances and it works for us. We both pay into a shared account which all household expenses come out of and leaves us with the same amount of money left over for extras (our own cars, hobbies etc).

DH and I are adopting next year and will be taking SPL. I will be taking six months at full pay and have also saved up a lot of annual leave over the years so will be off for about 10 months in total. The plan was for DH to take about 12 weeks of SPL at statutory pay, to run parallel to my leave so we are both at home together and have a better chance to bond.

I am the main earner although we both work full time. I earn about double what DH does. I also average about 7 hours a week of overtime but the opportunity to do lots more. DH rarely gets the opportunity to work overtime.

For every week of SPL my DH takes, we need £100 in savings to subsidise his statutory pay. I recently received a large performance bonus that has gone straight into savings. I've picked up a project at work which means I can get an extra 5 hours of overtime a week, which will go into savings. This means we should in theory have enough to buy all the baby bits we need as well as DH taking 12 weeks of leave.

But DH has now been asked to work 3 Sunday's between now and Christmas. He is able to have this either as overtime or as time in lieu, and he has decided to take it as time in lieu and have the Fridays off instead so he still gets two days off on those weeks. I know it's a pain only having one day off a week, but this is only for 3 non-consecutive weeks and it's pissed me off a bit that he's not taking it as overtime. The Sunday's are also only 6 hours but paid as an 8 hour day, and I work this amount of overtime every week.

I'm going to have a chat with DH tonight to see if I can persuade him to take them as overtime instead, but if not WIBU to say that I don't want my overtime and my bonus to subsidise his time off if he has the opportunity to contribute to it himself but chooses not to? I'd still be happy to subsidise 6 weeks, but I kinda feel like why should I be working my arse off for him to have 12 weeks off?

The flipside of this is that he does work hard in his job, pulls his weight with housework and childcare arrangements and is genuinely a really lovely person. Our financial situation has always been this way so we generally agree that because I'm the higher earner I pay more towards the house and pay into savings because he's not able to, his financial contribution is smaller but we are both left with equal amounts of spending money as I think that's fair.

[Trafficjammadness]

I think you're being a bit mean

[Toblernone]

Think YANBU, even in those 3 weeks he won't be working more than you, he should be doing what he can to add to the pot.

[Viviennemary]

You sound like a bit of a slave driver and very driven by money. If this was a man making those demands he'd be torn to shreds on here. YABU. I'd be telling you to stuff it if I was your DH. And leaving. Sorry but I think this sounds horribly controlling.

[PurplePipp]

Traffic I do feel mean. But then I also feel like I've taken every opportunity to save up so that he can have more time off, whereas he is prioritising having more time off for 3 weekends rather than taking the opportunity to save a bit more for time off when he wants it as SPL.

I've worked So hard all year for my bonus and doing overtime and none of it is being used to treat myself because it's all going on his SPL, whereas he is using his opportunity for overtime to buy himself a day off work instead.

[Candlelight234]

I think it's a bit mean too.
Its going to be a joint effort to look after your new adopted child, and not the time to be bean counting over who puts the most cash into the pot in IMO.

[Scribblegirl]

Sorry, but this is exactly why I don't think keeping your own finances works once babies come along.

[PurplePipp]

Vivien I'm not driven by money at all I just know that when his DD was born he hated going back to work after 2 weeks so i want him to have a differenr experience this time around, so I've been saving up to make that possible.

[mumeeee]

Sorry. YABU

[NapQueen]

It seems incredibly petty to complain about 3 days potential income.

Maybe he plans to use the TOIL to do stuff round the house or for the baby

[wrenika]

I also think you're being mean.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I think that's tight and using language like 'subsidising his parental leave' would have you torn to shreds if you were a man and your partner a woman (and that's the first time I've made that argument on MN, I usually hate it but it's so true here).

You're going to have a child - it's actually your child's leave when you think about it...

[disahsterdahling]

I think if you are using expressions like subsidise his SPL you are driven by money.

You are not subsidising him. He will be taking leave for your joint child. It should not matter where the money is coming from to support you while that is happening.

I also would not begrudge him taking time off, he won't have much time to himself once you have a child.

[disahsterdahling]

I meant to say "you as a family"

[Ellendegeneres]

I mean... are you or aren't you a team? If you are... surely it's all shared then anyway?

[Fruitcorner123]

YABU. I am a teacher and get 12 weeks off a year. My DH earns more than me in a job with 24 days holiday and his income subsidises mine but he is happy for me that I get a nice holiday. You've said DH works hard and it doesn't sound like you can't afford this so why not let him have his three days off. This is why we share finances though to avoid having to ask each other for money and feel like we owe each other.

[disahsterdahling]

Quick question though - if you are the higher earner, why are you taking so much time off? Why not do it the other way round?

[PurplePipp]

His 3 days of extra income would buy him an extra 2 weeks off work for SPL.

I know it's mean I'm just feeling grumpy. I spend 3 hours a day commuting (he has no commute) so an additional 15 hours a week that I'm out the house on top of my 47 hours I'm working. I just wonder why I'm doing so much if he isn't.

But point taken, IABU. I don't want to be financially controlling I'm just exhausting myself so he can have his 12 weeks of leave. Him doing these 3 extra days means I could do less hours, be home at a decent time every night for a couple of weeks.

I'll ask him to consider taking the overtime but won't kick up a stink if he doesn't want to.

[WitchesHatRim]

I think that's tight and using language like 'subsidising his parental leave' would have you torn to shreds if you were a man and your partner a woman

^ this

[BakedBeans47]

If this was a man making those demands he'd be torn to shreds on here. YABU. I'd be telling you to stuff it if I was your DH. And leaving. Sorry but I think this sounds horribly controlling.

This, exactly

[Fruitcorner123]

It is good that you have been saving but at the moment you both work full time so actually you have both been working as hard as each other it's just that your job pays better. If you see it as subsidising instead of sharing you are going to feel bitter about every penny .

[planesick]

When we adopted, i continued to work part time and my partner had the adoption leave (basic rate). All the bills, everything was paid by my wages and pip that was awarded to me for bank charges racked up before i even met my partner. Surely you do what needs to be done in the situation. Gabi!

[AlternativeTentacle]

I personally think fairs fair, if you are doing extra to save up for more parental leave, then why shouldn't he? It's the same as you declining overtime or taking it as TOIL not in £.

[PurplePipp]

All my leave will be full pay as it's 6 months full pay then a lot of annual leave.

I'm being a bitch, I get It, I'm just exhausted I'm sorry

[planesick]

Ppi. Not pip 😲

[SerendipityFelix]

YABU, you’re becoming a family now, it’s really not his money and your money any more. Also - stop thinking of it as funding more time off for him - it’s funding more time for your child to get to know their parents.

It is fine for you to let him know you’d prefer for him to take it as overtime, extra money for the family is a good thing, but it’s not ok for you to use the reasoning that you have about ‘subsidising his time off’ because you are spectacularly missing the point with that.