To text my sister and ask why she didn't get me a birthday present?

[u32ng]

I've put off texting as it's quite an awkward one to send. I want to let her know I'm hurt without coming off as 'grabby'. I let it slide last year but feel this needs addressed now.

As she has always be terrible with money I just assumed she is skint. But then see pics of her out for Halloween so clearly not that skint. I asked our bro if he had got anything for his bday and he said he did get a small gesture so now I'm even more hurt and confused.

How do I phrase this text?

It's not really about the actual gift per se it more that the absence of it feels like a lack of thought of care. I'd honestly be happy with a Twix or a few pretty flowers or favourite magazine.

[Pickleypickles]

Could you get your mum or brother to talk to her about it instead? Tell them how upset you are, it might sound better coming from someone else.

[2014newme]

You dont. My sister gets me nothing not even a card. Who cares! You don't tell some off fir not buying you presents.
Leave it.

[GoEasyPudding]

Did she send a card?

[deepestdarkestperu]

Just don’t get her anything for her birthday, and when she asks why, tell her you assumed you weren’t exchanging gifts anymore.

[Ifailed]

is it still 1/2 term?

[pilates]

I think it would be rude to ask. Next time you see her casually drop in to conversation are we buying Christmas presents for each other this year as wasn’t sure coz you didn’t for my birthday.

[EdmundCleverClogs]

I really can't see how you mention it without sounding grabby, because that's exactly what it is. I don't know any adult who 'expects' a gift of any sort, at any time.

Now if she didn't even acknowledge your birthday through a phone call or quick text, that's different and something I may mention in passing. I still couldn't bring myself to make a big deal of it though.

[Zapdos]

Did she acknowledge your birthday at all - text, send a card, give you a call? If not then you could send a message saying "hey it was my birthday yesterday, did you forget?!"

If she did acknowledge it but just didn't get you a gift then I wouldn't say anything. I understand why you feel hurt, but if she gets you a twixt just because you told her to it defeats the purpose anyway.

[Evelynismyspyname]

If she gets you nothing then you get her nothing - which is probably what she wants. Not everyone enjoys the gift giving economy, it's all an elaborate social ritual which plenty of people would rather not engage in, but it's difficult to tell people that in real life if they're the sort who enjoys giving and receiving to make them feel needed and loved.

Children are different because they usually have no means of saving up for things for themselves, so presents are often things they want and couldn't buy themselves, but with adults that is almost never the case and giving and receiving gifts is just a ritual which costs money and causes waste.

[gamerchick]

You don’t! I don’t even acknowledge my siblings birthdays anymore.

She’s not obliged to get you anything but it does let you off the hook for her.

[misshannah]

I get you. I turned 30 this year. I always send my DB things on time, i try to buy something thoughtful and will spend around £40 which i consider acceptable as we're not very close now (we used to be very close). Sometimes i spend more.
For the last 5-6 years since his fiance stepped into the picture we've been a lot less close. Since she came on the scene, I've either not received a card/gift or no acknowledgement. This year, a big birthday or so i thought i got no communication at all. He was away on Holiday, but am sorry my birthday has been the same date since birth (he is 7 years older) so it's not like he couldn't have planned before hand. I didn't bother to raise it as enough is enough, but did eventually get a text to say happy birthday - 1 day later. (for context he was on holiday in Europe with a time difference of 1 hour.) My DM i believe may have spoken to him but can't be certain as a week later i'm asked for my postal address. Well, i told him where to stick it!

For reference, i have done nothing to fiance, i was totally in support of her to begin with. But as she is now the reason we are no longer close I keep my distance to please her and keep the peace.

[LemonBreeland]

It depends if she sent you a card or not. If she didn't acknowledge your birthday at all then it is fine to ask why. If she sent you a card then I'm afraid you will come across as grabby.

[Ttbb]

You are coming across as grabby. Just stop, she doesn't have to give you a gift if she doesn't want to.

[justilou1]

Why don't you wait until her birthday and see how she responds to your radio silence?

[Butterymuffin]

Do as deepest says.

[FlowerPot1234]

There are a number of reasons why she may not have brought you something, and none of them have anything to do with lack of care or thought or love. I am very forgetful about birthdays, they are not an event which means much to me, the whole present-buying because I have to thing is a horrible process, and I buy things for people at other times when I see things which I know they might like. I forget the dates, I forget to send cards, and it is rare that any of my friends get a present on the birthday unless they are staying with me or me with them. None of this means I do not care for them, and my friendships are extremely close and important to me and them. So try to not worry about this or be peeved, and try not to assume she doesn't care.

[PuppyMonkey]

Is she on FB? Could you put a nice passive aggressive post: "Thanks for all the lovely messages and gifts for my birthday, feeling blessed."

[nocampinghere]

i'd love it if my brother stopped buying me a present. then i wouldn't have to wrack my brain thinking what to get him on his birthday.

but i would be upset if i didn't get a card or phone call.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

You can't change others, only yourself. Just love her for who she is, and accept that she's different to you. Perhaps a taste of her own medicine, might give her food for thought !

[WipsGlitter]

How old are you both? Maybe she wants to drop present buying.

My sister and my birthdays are a few days apart and she said we should stop doing presents as it was silly her getting me something and then me getting her something (um that’s how it works sis!!) so we sort of stopped and just do token gifts now.

[BelleandBeast]

How old are you? Why does it need to be addressed? You are being over the top. Maybe she is just not doing presents, maybe she doesn't want them either. Don't text, just ask her, are we no longer doing presents so you know for her next time.

[CocoPuffsinGodMode]

I don’t think you’re coming across as grabby at all. As you’ve made clear in your post it’s more about the lack of thought. If it’s normal practice in your family for adult siblings to acknowledge birthdays, send cards and gifts, then of course you’re going to notice if you seem to be overlooked! It’s not about wanting something it’s because it’s a bit hurtful to be given the impression she doesn’t consider you important enough to bother with.

I wouldn’t say anything to her though Op because it’s too easy for someone to dismiss you as grabby, needy, whatever (examples above ). When my brother stopped I certainly noticed it, I mean I wasn’t crying into my pillow or anything but I did think “hmm... that’s two years on the trot”. I just decided fair enough, I’ll take the same approach and now I just text happy birthday on the day. He doesn’t though .

[whiskyowl]

I would take this as a firm signal that she doesn't want to do presents any more. Don't buy her anything for future birthdays. Let it slide, not in a passive-aggressive, vindictive, or upset way, just let it go - and focus on other aspects of the relationship.

[Smarshian]

My dad hasn't bought me a birthday present for about 4 years. I couldn't care less! I really wouldn't get upset about this.

[Dauphinoise]

She doesn't want to bother with presents any more. Don't buy her one when it's her birthday and leave it at that.