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To be driven insane by 18 & 20 year old DC

(96 Posts)
Nicecuppatea21 Thu 02-Nov-17 00:56:03

They do as little as possible and rarely do it unless they are told to. I am 50, they are 19 & 20 and I have had enough. Our washing machine died a week ago and I am running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get washing done in neighbours etc until pay day.

I went up to DS room just now to tell him to put dirty clothes in washing basket so I could take to neighbours and he flipped. I was literally doing him a favour and he said I will do it tomorrow etc. Believe me he won't.

This is just an example of why I am reaching the end of living with them both. I am constantly fantasing about them leaving. I want to fast forward 4 years until they leave. I love them but I can't take anymore of their bullshit.

I didn't spoil them and didn't have money to spoil them. I split from their father when DD was one & a half and I was 8 weeks pregnannt with DD. He was a dickhead and undermined me as much as possible.

It's been tough but this bullshit from a 18 & 20 year old is demoralising me. Will this ever end? I am just ranting and don't need solutions because I've tried everything.

I just want them to leave so I can get back to my life. Please don't accused me of being neglectful, I'm not. I just don't want to feel alone.

Thank you for listening.

JaneJeffer Thu 02-Nov-17 00:58:18

No way would I be taking their washing to the neighbours. Let them sort it out themselves.

Crispbutty Thu 02-Nov-17 01:01:18

Are they working? At college? Paying anything towards their keep?

Let their dirty clothes pile up and point them to the launderette.,

Gorgeous73 Thu 02-Nov-17 01:07:55

Aw I want to make you a cuppa and give you a big hug. Take steps to start living your own life now, you matter too flowers

CaretakerToNuns Thu 02-Nov-17 01:09:59

They're grown adults, I say chuck them out and make them go their own way.

Nicecuppatea21 Thu 02-Nov-17 01:23:04

I'm so pissed off I have posted twice!! I am trying to keep the show on the road. They work part time & go to tech and pay for some things. I think if I take my foot of the gas they will fail spectacularly and not get out of bed. I hear you all, I have to let them fail.

I am going to let them wake up with no clean uniform and suffer the consequences.

Thanks for being the voice of reason. My parents, aged 82, never behaved like me.

snorkmaiden68 Thu 02-Nov-17 01:23:55

Do they work OP or contribute to the house in any way? I m a single mum too and I felt quite alone with my ds and dd late teen entitled behaviour. Many were the exhausting arguments we had over quite small things. I quite often wished they would move out but found when they were actually working they improved a lot! Having to listen to orders in the workplace seemed to grow them up a bit. My son moved in with gf at 21 and kept their flat tidy. He moved home again for a year or so at 26 when they broke up and was like a different person. Clean, helpful and a lovely housemate. DD still at home at 23 but much better as soon as she started work. Now it's nice living with her, she's not the greatest cleaner but will cook and tidy up. They both paid their way. No advice really except hang in there and don't back down. They are welcome to leave if they don't like it. Believe me they soon appreciate you after being out in the big wide world!

Nicecuppatea21 Thu 02-Nov-17 01:26:22

Gorgeous thanks for the hug!! I am so annoyed with myself. How did I let this happen?

Nicecuppatea21 Thu 02-Nov-17 01:36:31

Snork thanks a million, I have calmed down a bit. It's great to hear your DC came around.

I think I am just tired being the lynch pin in this family. I don't have a partner but maybe if I did I would rail against them too.

Why are women rearing kids, working and still doing the lions share of housework in the year 2017?

I hear you all that I have to let them fail. I struggle with support v letting them fail. I'm gonna throw them to the wolves over the washing.

JaneJeffer Thu 02-Nov-17 01:38:23

Please don't accused me of being neglectful

You let it happen because you seem to feel you will be judged if you you aren't taking care of all their needs. You need to tell yourself that they are adults now and perfectly capable of looking after themselves. No one is going to accuse you of neglect.

Nicecuppatea21 Thu 02-Nov-17 01:48:10

You are spot on Jean, I do feel like I will be judged. I live in a close knit community where people compare one another. I hate that aspect and need to get a grip.

The bottom line is I would genuinely like them both to leave so that I can resume my life. The last 21 years have been very tough and I would like my life back know.

I suppose everyone wants that but it could be derailed by illness etc. I still want MY life back.

Thanks again for posting x

just5morepeas Thu 02-Nov-17 01:50:18

Why on earth are you doing their washing when they are 18 and 20?!

I did my washing from the age of 13 and my Mum told me she wasn't doing it anymore and I think that it was quite nice she did it for that long!

Get them to pull their weight or chuck them out! But if you can't do that at least stop doing their washing for them. They'll have to do it for themselves when they're living independently and you're doing them no favours doing it for them.

nameusername Thu 02-Nov-17 01:58:31

brewcake Stop molly coddling and doing all the unnecessary stuffs for them. At their age, they should be helping you to lighten your burden and relax. Filial piety and all that. They sound ungrateful, I would start buying groceries and cooking meal for yourself only. Stop doing laundry and buying things that they need, toiletries, clothes, etc. I've known some grown man who are proud that they don't have to fork out money to buy clothes, underwear, etc as their wife, mother and grandmother buy it for them.

Sometimes you got to be cruel to be kind. Although this may come across petty, I mirror their actions and most of the time they realised their unreasonable behaviour. Those who tend to act dense, no more chances so do it yourself. Give them a timeline and the consequences if they don't shape up living under your roof. Change wifi password and only give out when they've done their chores. Give them appropriate notice to leave the house as required by law if you want them to move out. Even my brother who's a FT student and PT worker gave my parents a token sum of £50 per month and treats the whole family occasionally to some KFC chicken buckets.

Nicecuppatea21 Thu 02-Nov-17 02:00:26

Just it was the same in my family home! God knows why I am doing it.

This thread has been a wake-up call.

Thanks for telling me like it is.

nameusername Thu 02-Nov-17 02:04:14

Install those coin operated washing machine at your house. With Christmas round the corner, gift them the old fashion washboard and a tub.

No, you're not being neglectful. It's time they start being an adult get a jolt of the real world. There's the movie Bad Moms starring Mila Kunis. Have you seen it?

theoldtrout01876 Thu 02-Nov-17 02:16:08

I understand. I have a 21 year old Dd1 and a 23 year old Ds2 still live at home ( and a 12 year old Dd2 but she doesnt count ).

Im so sick of " Its not my mess" when asked to help. WELL ITS NOT MY FCKIN MESS EITHER but muggins is clearing it up.

Ds 2 came home from college on the condition he paid off his student loans quickly. Has that happened? has it fck. He pays them but minimum payment. I agreed to him paying just the electricity bill to help him pay them off, ie I am not charging him rent, all Im doing is facilitating his lifestyle.He works long hours and mega overtime but doesnt overpay his loans.

He has the largest piece of real estate in the house, massive front to back room he shared with Ds1 before Ds1 moved out. Cant see the floor for his shit. Every laundry basket I own is in basement full of his clothes cos he wont take them up or put them away, he lives out the dryer.
I want to move the 12 year old up there as we have no public room with a TV as we had to convert our den into her room. There is enough space for a sitting area with a TV plus a sleeping area in Ds2 huge room. Dd2 has a regular sized double room, its not like its a closet, I want Ds2 to move there. He is a chef so works funny hours, basically just sleeps here. He had a FIT when this was suggested.

Dd1 god bless her little cotton socks, spends her whole life comparing what her siblings have got in comparison to what Ive given her. Wont do a single thing to "help" with anything. Gets quite affronted that she was asked. Meticulously picks up after herself and not a fckin thing else. She will wash the dish she ate off but not wash the mug I had tea in and left at the side of the sink to do when supper was over and I had other dishes to wash. This is after Ive cooked her a separate veggie meal. The pots I cooked said veggie meal in dont count as she didnt dirty them so she wont clean em.

I know where your coming from, you have enough stress without pulling the fckers up, its easier just to keep things afloat. You have my sympathy even if I cant offer advice cos Im in the same boat.

And to those people saying just stop or throw them out. Walk a mile in my shoes before you say that. Id have said the same thing but when its your kids, " adult" or not, its different. You just want to help and not have them struggle like you did. I dont want my kids to struggle like I had to. Im hoping they mature and realize eventually. Ds1 did but was 24 when that happened.

nameusername Thu 02-Nov-17 02:52:42

You just want to help and not have them struggle like you did. I dont want my kids to struggle like I had to. Im hoping they mature and realize eventually. Ds1 did but was 24 when that happened. But you're not really helping them are you. DS2 isn't overpaying his loans. What does he do with the supposed overpayment? Has it gone into savings or down the drain? Why are you letting him dictate the house considering he's not even paying rent. When he's at work, move his stuff out into the smaller room. You should start charging him rent, council tax, water bills, gas and electric. Set aside secretly the surplus and once he's GROWN UP and ready to move out, give him the cheque. If he's sensible he will use this fund to overpay his loan or as security deposit for his own rental property.

Ifearthecold Thu 02-Nov-17 02:56:33

I think families should support each other but this doesn't mean you should be doing their washing at their age. Explain the washing machine is broken and they will have to take theirs to the nearest laundrette. Their future partners won't thank you for their current sense of entitlement. You aren't helping them by letting them think it is someone else's job to run around after them sorting out dull basics in their life.

Mxyzptlk Thu 02-Nov-17 03:10:26

Oldtrout, sort out the rooms how you want them.
Charge ds2 a fair rent to include bills.
Don't cook for dd1 or ds2, or do their laundry.

JWrecks Thu 02-Nov-17 05:46:58

What?! Running yourself ragged for two adults?! Spending your last pound on two adults?! No chance!

flowers I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Teenagers and young adults are very, very difficult. flowers

I know you're here to vent and are not looking for advice, and I did see where you've said you'll be making these changes, but I just couldn't see you in such distress and just leave the thread without saying this:

Either chuck them right out onto their arses (and they are both plenty old enough for that), or start charging them for every crumb they eat, making them contribute to the internet bill and anything else they use, and forcing them do everything for themselves, from this very moment on. You've got to force them to do things themselves or go simply without. You needn't suffer for years to come. You needn't suffer for another moment!

From right this second on, absolutely DO. NOT. EVER. do ANYTHING for either of them again. Don't EVER wash another stitch of their clothing again, even if it means they're forced to go out in dirty clothes. Do NOT tidy up one single thing after them ever again, and if they leave their shit lying about, chuck it straight into their rooms for them to deal with themselves. Do not so much as replace the bog roll in their loo if they've got a separate one. Do not pick up anything for them at the supermarket - not shampoo or soap, not food, nothing at all! Make them set their own alarms, and do not wake them in the morning ever again. Do not drive them anywhere. Do not give them one PENNY of your money. Do not make their appointments for them. Do not cook their meals, and do not let them eat what you've cooked for yourself - don't prepare enough of your own meals for them to take leftovers. Hell, don't even buy enough food for them. They both work; they'll manage.

You've got to stop doing for them NOW, so they can learn some responsibility of their own!

I think if I take my foot of the gas they will fail spectacularly and not get out of bed. I hear you all, I have to let them fail.

I am going to let them wake up with no clean uniform and suffer the consequences.

Yes! You DO need to let them fail, and they need you to let them fail, too. If you don't, then you will be busting your arse, living their lives for them and taking on their stress for them, until the day you die, and you simply cannot go on like this. They only stay in bed because they know you'll wake them on time. They only refuse to wash their own uniforms because they know you'll do it for them. They only do the bare minimum, if that, because they know it will all get done whether they contribute or not.

The first time they realise their free safety net is not there anymore, that it's possible for them to fail now, they will shape themselves up. Then you take all that time that you'd spend doing for them, and do for yourself. Relax, read a book, catch up on some good TV, have a glass of wine, and absolutely forget about it.

If you really want to do them one last favour, then give them warning, first thing. Sit them both down, look them dead in the eyes, and - with absolutely NO apology and absolutely NO sympathy whatsoever - tell them that the days of you doing any bloody thing for them ever again have already ended. They will be taking care of themselves like the ADULTS that they are, doing their own washing, waking themselves, tidying up after themselves, buying and preparing their own food, paying for their own expenditures. But, frankly, I wouldn't even do that. I would just stop and let them figure it out.

I know this may sound stone cold and heartless on the surface, and believe me I know it's also very scary, but I promise you, it is for THEIR own good! If they cannot even manage tidying up themselves, if they cannot manage their own washing, and if they cannot even stave off a strop and manage so much as a bloody thank you when somebody - mum or not! - does them such a massive favour as their washing, then how on earth will they ever manage as independent adults? And sending our DC out into the world as responsible, independent adults is our ultimate job as parents.

We've been there too, and we'll be here to hold your hand if you need us. Do let us know how you get on. And good luck. I know it's not easy, but it will get there! flowers wine

Roystonv Thu 02-Nov-17 06:02:40

I did this for both of mine; I felt adult life could be shit so I wanted to help as much as I could to ease them into it I suppose. Dd never a problem but ds took advantage. They both had weekend jobs from 16 and ds coped fine with all that entailed but it did not change his home behaviour. Older now own house but still excellent for work stuff lazy at home. Never thought that it would mean I would be too invested in their lives but I feel every pain they do still; is that my 'fault' or just being a mum?

olliegarchy99 Thu 02-Nov-17 06:14:31

They are adults (able to vote and all that shock) they are not DC - stop running round after them and they will realise what you have done/still do for them.
Stand firm for their sakes or they will never grow up.
Being 50 (menopausal) is tough for women - and you deserve a better life.

Crispsheets Thu 02-Nov-17 06:15:56

So refreshing to read responses which aren't accusing the OP of being a "vile" mum and neglecting her children who should live at home till they are 45.
Since I divorced 3 years ago i have put my dcs aged 21 and 18 first, getting them through exams, off to university and doing all the emotional stuff.
Next year I'm moving 250 miles away. New partner, new life. At nearly 60 I need to invest time in myself.....their father is here and it's time for him to parent bit more.
Good on you for not wanting to be a martyr OP. You deserve your own life.

BarbaraofSevillle Thu 02-Nov-17 06:17:11

I'm so pissed off I have posted twice!! You're also so pissed off, and rightly so, that you don't know whether you have DDs or DSs or how old they are grin.

Definitely have them doing their own washing. They also need to be cooking at least one meal each for the whole family each week and doing things like putting the bins out, gardening etc. There's three healthy adults in the house, who all have full time work/college, so everyone should contribute.

Also look at the money situation - you say they work part time. Fine that they have money for clothes, phone, socialising etc, but if they have lots of disposable income and you don't even have a bit of money put aside to be able to replace a washing machine, they need to contribute something even if it's only a tenner a week each.

If they don't like the new regime, they can start looking at bedsits or rooms in shared houses. Then they'd realise how good they have it now.

Fairylea Thu 02-Nov-17 06:24:37

You sound like a lovely mum op but they aren’t children anymore. They need to learn to care for themselves and they won’t even realise how much you do for them until you stop doing it. My mum and I lived together until I was 31 and when I finally did live alone I was really amazed how many things she did that I didn’t even realise she did! - and I thought I was very independent (single mum myself, working full time etc etc). I genuinely think just letting go of the washing and doing stuff for them you’ll give them the kick they need. And no one is going to judge you for it- a 19/20 year old going about in a dirty, smelly top isn’t the same as a 6 year old! No one is going to expect their mum to be sorting them out!

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